All change - now I'm bawling my eyes out

[gracelet]

I've been seeing new girl since August (we met through a work engagement) and although we've been exclusive since October time, it was yesterday when she finally asked me to be her girlfriend.  Technically, nothing changes.  We act the same.  We're considerate of one another in our planning of schedules.  We're honest etc etc.  Yet for some reason, after we officially confirmed our status last night, I bawled my eyes out for the rest of the evening. Those heavy, heavy tears. What the fuck?

 

I'm a wife, a widow and a girlfriend.  Too many labels. The duality of emotions - happy/devastated, excited/mourning - is such a mindfuck.

 

Am I crazy? It's just a label and I deserve to be in love and happy again.

 

It probably doesn't help that yesterday I also found a compartment under the sofa that I didn't know existed and found my wife's favourite furry blanket in it.  I thought she'd thrown it away when she was angry at me and preparing to kill herself.  But it's there. I've not seen it for two years and I'm doing that thing of 'Oh my God I must not wash it because she's still on it' thing.

 

It's like going back to 6 months in of grieving and not being able to control myself.

[Guest TooSoon]

Of course it is all overwhelming but labels are labels and nothing more.  You can be all of those things and none of those things.  In the end it comes down to love, honesty, trust and respect.  If you have those things it doesn't matter how you define it.  And the only definition that matters is the one you two decide upon. 

 

As for the blanket, maybe fold it up and put it right back where you found it so that it is there when and if you need it.  Sometimes I just like knowing that certain things are there even if that's all they are: just there. 

 

I'm sorry you've been upset.  Sometimes it really is all just a bit much, isn't it.  Hugs.

[gracelet]

Had a dream visit from wife last night.  We were at university - I'd been trying to blag my way into the college and was explaining to the porter that she had died.  Lo and behold, suddenly she was next to me.  She told me she approves of new girl.

 

Cue more bawling this morning.  New girl must think I'm nuts.  She even asked if we should not be in a relationship because it makes me sad.  I explained that as well as being sad, I'm incredibly happy and that the last few days have just been, well, a lot to deal with.

[Brenda]

Sounds like you've found someone special - at least in the sense that there seem to be rather few out there who put up with, let alone understand, these ups and downs, these odd mixtures of happiness and sadness, for any extended period of time.  To the uninitiated, we do look insane.

 

Without coming off as "victim-blaming", I think we're sometimes responsible for the destruction of new relationships by not properly explaining how we feel and why we act in certain "odd" ways to those who want to become closer to us.  They don't get it, thankfully not having gone through it themselves, and they're often afraid to ask.  It's not their fault, but to a new romantic interest it's probably a little disconcerting to not know why our emotions are all over the place when we should be happy.  They run because they think we're nuts, when they'd probably be inclined to stay if we'd just let them in and do our best to help them figure us out.  Good communication does wonders for a relationship.

 

I guess the point I'm trying to get across is that you're on the right track by not trying to hide how you feel from the new girlfriend, nor are you failing to let her know how what you need in terms of support.  For example, by explaining that the tears aren't a simple indicator of sadness, but that you feel happy too, she's that little bit more aware of who you are as a person and how your history will fit in with your combined future.  She's not being left in the dark, and consequently won't think that she's somehow in an impossible competition with a dead person.  "The Dead" by James Joyce and all that.

 

But to be honest, I'm the last person to be dealing out relationship advice...

 

The blanket: I know somewhat how you feel.  I was looking for a woolly hat a few days ago because it was freezing outside.  Found one, then saw that inside it was full of my wife's hair that had fallen out during chemo; she used it to keep her own head warm when thinning hair no longer did the job.  One of those shocking little moments where it all becomes very real once again, and the feeling of wanting to hang on to every physical part of her is still very much present.  All from a fucking woolly hat that cost a couple of bucks from Target, which is now put somewhere very safe lest anybody carelessly wash it and take one of the few physical reminders of her presence away from me.

 

Wishing you the best.

[Guest Mel4072]

I am so sorry. Hang on to the good memories....