Brenda

I only started with FB a few months after my wife had died, so I started with the "widowed" status. No issues, but then again I had (and still have) very few FB friends. After dating my now-ex-girlfriend for a while, I changed my status to "in a relationship". Plenty of people were rather happy to see that I'd taken that step, but then the relationship quickly fell to pieces and I had to change it back to either "single" or "widowed". It felt somehow wrong to change it back to "widowed" after being in a relationship - as if "widowed" is a one shot deal and I couldn't go back to it after giving it up - and I ended up just listing myself as "single". I guess "single" is the most appropriate for me as it says that I'm open to a relationship, whereas "widowed" seems (evidently unsuccessfully from what I've read here) to tell people to give me some space. In my mind, "single" is looking towards the future, while "widowed" is looking towards the past, but that's my personal opinion only.

Mel, this is such a positive way of looking at things! After my first Chapter 2 relationship fell apart, I was thoroughly miserable. Heartbroken. I hadn't felt that way since my wife died, and I always thought after going through that pain, nothing could hurt me ever again. Was I wrong about that! But that first Chapter 2 relationship was so positive because it taught me that I don't feel guilty about moving on, and that I am - like you - not dead inside to the little pleasures that make life with somebody else wonderful. A learning experience. At the time, would I have done anything to mend that relationship? Absolutely, and it's almost worse knowing that the person is still alive, still out there, and there's still a chance of saving things. But now, not so much. While the immediate pain of the breakup was unbearable, the scars do heal in a way that the scars of bereavement never quite do. And now, I'm happily and confidently looking for someone else, and thankful that the failed relationship taught me that my ability to love didn't die with my spouse. I hope yours works out well. I'm sure it will given your positive and thoughtful posts on the subject. Wishing you the best!

Sounds like you've found someone special - at least in the sense that there seem to be rather few out there who put up with, let alone understand, these ups and downs, these odd mixtures of happiness and sadness, for any extended period of time. To the uninitiated, we do look insane. Without coming off as "victim-blaming", I think we're sometimes responsible for the destruction of new relationships by not properly explaining how we feel and why we act in certain "odd" ways to those who want to become closer to us. They don't get it, thankfully not having gone through it themselves, and they're often afraid to ask. It's not their fault, but to a new romantic interest it's probably a little disconcerting to not know why our emotions are all over the place when we should be happy. They run because they think we're nuts, when they'd probably be inclined to stay if we'd just let them in and do our best to help them figure us out. Good communication does wonders for a relationship. I guess the point I'm trying to get across is that you're on the right track by not trying to hide how you feel from the new girlfriend, nor are you failing to let her know how what you need in terms of support. For example, by explaining that the tears aren't a simple indicator of sadness, but that you feel happy too, she's that little bit more aware of who you are as a person and how your history will fit in with your combined future. She's not being left in the dark, and consequently won't think that she's somehow in an impossible competition with a dead person. "The Dead" by James Joyce and all that. But to be honest, I'm the last person to be dealing out relationship advice... The blanket: I know somewhat how you feel. I was looking for a woolly hat a few days ago because it was freezing outside. Found one, then saw that inside it was full of my wife's hair that had fallen out during chemo; she used it to keep her own head warm when thinning hair no longer did the job. One of those shocking little moments where it all becomes very real once again, and the feeling of wanting to hang on to every physical part of her is still very much present. All from a fucking woolly hat that cost a couple of bucks from Target, which is now put somewhere very safe lest anybody carelessly wash it and take one of the few physical reminders of her presence away from me. Wishing you the best.

One year down. Many more to go (hopefully), and surely they can't be worse than the first. Can't believe how the time has flown and dragged simultaneously. But glad to have all the "firsts" finally out of the way. Thanks for the support, everyone at Widda. It's meant a lot. Life would have been far worse without this fantastic group of people who reach out and help one another despite being in the same awful situation themselves.

Fuck that one year after she died, I'm unhappier than I've ever been before. Fuck that I would rather now be watching her die from cancer like I was last year rather than being here today in a worse situation. Fuck that nothing has got better, and instead has gotten only worse. Fuck that I lost everything. And fuck that I'm once again on the brink of killing myself because I'm a pathetic widow who can't handle something that countless other people manage to deal with.

My relationship with the girl who I literally could have seen myself staying with for the rest of my life? Yup, gone. I ended it. I started to see the beginnings of the things I (in hindsight, and through lots of therapy) despised about my long marriage, and I cannot let myself make the same mistake again. I tried to address it with the new girl, but nothing changed. So back to being single. Regrets? Yes. I would have preferred to have a great friendship (which we kinda had) with this girl instead of a quick fling. Now I have neither, and I needed a good friend. Trying to not let this send me back into the depths of a nasty depression, but it's just one more thing going wrong at the moment. Frustrating!

So many long distance relationships! Glad to see that some seem to work out, because my biggest worry now is that the distance will make any chance of success virtually zero. We're 4,500 miles apart (although once you get beyond driving distance and into flying distance, the mileage really means very little), and it takes me about fourteen hours door to door to get to her. Six hours time difference too. I'm UK, she's US. But fingers crossed. She's wonderful. I'm lucky. Worth taking a chance.

After months and months of worry that I was somehow betraying my wife by accidentally falling in love with another woman only five months after she died, recent events have been surprisingly easy. First kiss - wow. No issues whatsoever, and no feeling whatsoever that I had cheated on my wife. Er, first sex - yeah, wow too. No issues! No afterthoughts that I had just done something awful. I had been ever so worried that it would bring back memories of being with my wife, but nothing of the sort happened. That said, the new woman is someone I'm truly in love with; she's not a casual relationship. But I wanted to report back that all my fears about my wife "intruding" into my new relationship were utterly unfounded. I do not feel guilty. I do not feel upset. I do not feel like I'm cheating. I'm very happy with the new relationship, other than the fact that we live somewhat far apart and that makes things awkward. So overall, good news. Really good news. Life does go on!

Big believer in counselling here, despite thinking initially that it was all a load of total crap. But the value of having someone professionally trained and experienced who will sit there and listen to anything you can throw at them is immense, and has no doubt saved me from becoming a total nutjob. There's no harm in seeking counselling. It's a positive step towards making your life better, despite it being about as miserable as it can be right now. I hope you find it as helpful as I did.

Yeah, it's not a daily thing. It's a once-weekly thing, saved for Saturday, and I never drink at any other time. Normally, I can stop at a bottle of wine (and I know that's too much in one sitting anyway) and have a pretty decent evening doing some cooking and having a few family members over for a meal. But once in a while, I get the "yeah Brenda you're having a great time after knocking back the whole bottle so surely adding more alcohol on top of that will make you feel even better" thing going on. It never works; I always regret anything over that single bottle of wine, without exception, but in the moment I kind of lose my common sense. But that's alcohol, right? I like the concept of the "widow proof" house. No alcohol sitting around (and if I do buy some, it needs to be a sensible single portion, not a case of beer or a two-for-one offer on wine), etc. I've already taken steps to widow proof the house in other ways (getting rid of any firearms, razor blades, stockpiles of prescription meds etc.), but there's clearly work to be done. But today has been a pretty good Sunday considering. And next week is looking bright. And I've a few positive things to look forward to in the near future in terms of getting my life back together (will soon be retraining for a new career, my wonderful new girlfriend, kids who aren't causing me any headaches and who are doing great in school, moving into a smaller and more manageable place, and finally scheduled surgery to sort out a nagging health issue), so things are moving in the right direction other than the occasional careless "I'm still twenty years old - woo hoo!" accident with the alcohol.

Uh, not a bad Saturday until about 5pm when the bottle of wine was opened. Drank it really quickly. Then a beer. Then had the bright idea of swigging out of a bottle of some disgusting brandy that had been sitting around for years. And it all came up - obviously - and I found myself in bed by 9pm, sick as a dog. Not too bad this morning though, but I somehow never learn that while being slightly drunk once in a while can be fun, more and more alcohol on top of that doesn't ever lead to more and more enjoyment.

I guess the unconditional honesty thing is probably a good idea. While new GF knows about my past, she doesn't know that it still affects me. I've done my absolute best to downplay things, to make sure that the baggage of the past is not brought forward into any new relationships, because I'm worried that new GF will think that she has to compete with me still loving someone who is dead; that's a feeling nobody wants to have, and I hate to burden her with that. So I think a quick heart-to-heart is on the cards. Nothing too serious, just a mention that I'm still recovering from what happened, but that I'm totally in love with new GF in a way that I can no longer be with my prior spouse. I'll always remember her very fondly, but I'm fully capable of loving new GF just as passionately and exclusively. Taking bets on whether that conversation will make things better or fuck things up irreparably...

Yeah, the in-laws often show their true colors once a spouse has died. Sorry you're going through family issues - the stress really isn't a welcome addition, I'm sure. When my in-laws pushed me away shortly after my wife had died, I thought that it would be temporary, that they were grieving the loss of their daughter/sister, and that I should give them some space to get their lives back together (notwithstanding the fact that I needed their help more than anything at that time, given the total destruction my wife's death caused to my life and our children.) I thought that it was just a natural reorganization. But when things didn't get back to anything like the normal (but distant) relationship we always had, I started to realize that the in-laws were just total assholes who I didn't want in my new life. Sure, there are grandchildren to consider, but I'm the parent and I decided to move on with my life and help my children move on with theirs, and the in-laws would in no way be a part of that. If they couldn't act reasonably towards me, then they have zero chance of being around my children. It's not too late to move on, cut them out, and do what makes you happy and comfortable. You are in no way obligated to see them, interact with them, visit them, live near them, nothing whatsoever. So if they're causing more problems than they're solving, get rid of them. We all know first hand and better than most that life is too short to waste on people who do not treat us properly, and I'm far happier now that I've cut ties and started to do what helps me get beyond my wife's death, not what helps them. If your new life with your new beau is where you want to focus, then do exactly that and don't look back. We can't please everybody, but we can please ourselves.

So most days, I'm pretty able to act and think normally. My new girlfriend makes me very happy, and I'm glad I'm making progress. But yesterday was a nightmare grief day; of course, overdoing the alcohol didn't help, but I spent most of the evening bawling my eyes out. Luckily, I was alone. But it makes me wonder whether I'm supposed to be in a new relationship yet if the old one still has such a profound, albeit occasional, effect on me. Thoughts on this? Has anyone successfully dated someone else in the gray area between active grief and moving on?

I'm going to add a big "fuck them" for such shitty behavior. Sorry your son had to go through that. People can be such total dicks and you're right not to put up with that ever again.

You know what? Fuck me. Fuck me for being thoroughly incapable of getting my shit together, finding a job, and not being such a complete loser. I'm tired of blaming my wife's death on my current situation; it's my fault now. So fuck me for being so pathetic and fucking everything up. I fucking hate this. I fucking hate myself.

The way my doctor explained it to me is that yes, there are side effects, but the side effects of not taking the medication - stress, worry, unhappiness, suicidal thoughts, suicide, self harm drinking, drug abuse, etc - are all far worse. As others have said, try 'em. If they work, great. If not, oh well. But they are a safe, effective means to help combat depression, and as most of us here already know, therapy and time sometimes just doesn't cut it.

Gracelet, I read your post and thought, "Oh shit..." (But before I get to that, what you did is probably pretty normal. Little surprises me about this widow lark these days; it's so unpredictable in every way other than its entirely predictable undertone of misery, and crying in a situation such as the one you described sounds par for the course.) I've recently found a new girlfriend myself, but have yet to get to the upper levels of physical intimacy. The last person who saw me without my underwear on (other than the doctor) was my wife. The only person I've ever had sex with - yeah, ever - was my wife. So god only knows how this is going to play out. But I want to have sex with the new girl. And she me, one hopes. I'm determined not to be scared off by what happened or didn't happen in the past. I'm fully expecting something along the lines of what you described, except nothing like what you described. That's my experience of widowhood thus far; my subconscious is playing by its own set of rules, and it changes those rules every day without telling me. I'll report back after the knickers have come off, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in the "wft emotional responses" department. I hope your new girl comes back. Sounds like you've found a good match for where you are in life at the moment.

It appears that I now have a girlfriend, a mere nine months after my wife died. Turns out the new girl, like me, wanted to be more than just great friends, but neither of us were brave enough to air our feelings. I met her only four months after my wife died and we were just friends to begin with. She's one of those rare people who seems to fit so comfortably. Never thought this would happen, but I secretly and guiltily always hoped it would. Early days, but we'll see how things progress. But she does make me genuinely smile, and I haven't done that for so long. I guess it's time to take a second job to pay for the countless hours I'm going to spend at the therapist dealing with this whole mess... ...But at least it's a happy mess for once, and not one of the usual shitty widow financial/parenting/job/housing/depression/in-law messes that I've been dealing with for what feels like decades now. Just wanted to share, because without the support of you all and your advice in my multiple threads related to this same topic, I doubt I'd have ever felt it was okay to find somebody new. So thanks!

Not sure anyone can beat that statement in terms of "high fuck content". But yeah, I'll raise a glass to that. And again and again until the whole bottle is gone, because there's no fucking in my future either. Sucks, right?

MILF is a pretty classless way to refer to anybody and it has no place being used in polite society outside one particular movie (which was, IMO, pretty amusing, but that's where it stays.) The boss sounds like a moron, and it makes me wonder what else he's doing and saying around your daughter. Anyone saying that tends to be a sleazy guy who nobody would ever want to eff.

What a perfect way to sum it all up. F that indeed! At least I have a new topic for the therapist in the morning. I was going to discuss worries about loneliness and whether I'll ever find anyone (or should even bother searching). I think it's better that I discuss getting rid of guilt, because once that goes, life opens up once more.

Thanks for the responses. Informative stuff. Did you find that love kind of snuck up on you by chance and you took advantage of it, or did you actively go out to find someone? The former I think I'd have less of a problem with. The latter is what's causing the majority of the guilt.

I know, I know, there's no rulebook for being a widow... ...but I'm frightfully lonely at the moment and would love to dip a toe back in the dating market. Here's where I'm struggling though: I'd be perfectly ok with a new relationship that came along by chance, but I'm thinking of actively going out and looking for someone. Not hanging out in bars and that kind of thing, but maybe a very careful venture into the world of online dating. (Yeah, I'm young, but not quite young enough not to say to myself "ewww, that's sad; I must be a real loser" when I think about resorting to online dating.) Guilty thoughts aplenty when thinking about the possibility of dating once again. Feeling like I'm dancing on my wife's grave when thinking specifically about instigating the relationship myself. But for the 90% of my day when I'm not mortified about what I'm possibly going to do, I'm hopelessly lonely in the sense that I miss intimacy (emotional, not necessarily sexual) with another person. What to do? Too early to be online dating? Does this cross a line from "yup, you're allowed to do that as a widow" and into "honey, you've been widowed; have some respect"?

As always, thanks to everyone for the advice. I guess once in a while it's easy to fall into the trap of isolation and lose touch with the reality of widowhood. Seeing everyone around me doing normal things and living normal lives makes what I'm doing (i.e. nothing) look loserish in comparison, but compared to other widows, perhaps it's not actually that far outside the realm of normal for those who have recently lost a spouse. Hopefully this is just a temporary slump in mood.