Telling your in-laws you're dating

[Virgo]

I had that awkward conversation today. It was unplanned, short, and not what I expected at all. I wasn't planning on telling them until I was in a serious relationship, but because of certain circumstances it was unavoidable.  It was awkward, but not horrible.  They were both smiling and very supportive. 

 

Feel free to share your 'coming out 'to in laws stories. 

[widowat33]

That's great that they were supportive. I think that would be my biggest fear if I were to start dating, telling the inlaws.

I know my boys would be fine with it, or I think they would be. My youngest is always asking me if I will be getting married again, I ask him how that would make him feel and he always says he would be fine with it and wants me to be happy. My oldest tends to prefer being around males so I really don't think that would be an issue with him either.

My inlaws on the other hand... I have some good male friends, but they make comments about one in particular, of course he's the single one and it's almost hostile comments. I shared with another friend that I think they are worried that there may be more than a friendship between us. There isn't, nor will there ever be, but because he's helped me out financially (supplying material for my recent landscaping project for free, selling me a new car at cost, etc...) I think they get the impression that there is more to our friendship than there actually is. He's just a really helpful nice guy who I have known all my life.

I am not seeking another partner, and really can't foresee doing so in the future, but if there ever comes a day that I do decide to I really think telling the inlaws will be the most difficult thing to do. They are typically supportive in other areas but that's one area I cannot see them being very understanding!

[Trying]

My FIL was very sweet and very supportive and even sent a follow up text telling me he is very relieved to hear I'm dating and wants me to be happy.  My SIL has been very supportive and wants to get to know NG better.  My MIL was horrible, she cried, told  me she isn't ready, that I don't understand how difficult this is for her, and made it very difficult for my FIL.  She met NG once, for about 30 seconds at my son's basketball game, it was awful, he said that never in his life has anyone looked at him with such disappointment.  Lovely.  I waited a really long time to tell them because I knew she would be that way, my SIL knew for a long time and worried how MIL would react.  NG and I are very serious and I worry about her not accepting him because they are a big part of my life.  Everyone in the family is intimidated by her, DH was the only one who ever stood up to her, they butted heads but she would listen to him. 

[Jess]

I have a rather contentious relationship with my MIL so I did not feel she had a right to know (the contention is a result of her stealing LH's identity, stealing 3k of our wedding money, and stealing some of his things after he died). My SIL is wonderful and I felt she needed to know. She has been very supportive even though it did make her feel a little weird. When she finally got to "meet" him through Skype, she felt so much more at ease and offers her support without the reservations she had before, which means the world to me.

[MrsDan]

I told Dan's siblings first, over the phone. They were very excited and happy for me. BIL said he would let me tell his wife. At the end of the conversation I told him he could tell her, and he got excited and said "Oh I am totally telling her!" I expected it to be harder for my SIL but it wasn't. Dan's parents I told in person when they came to visit. My MIL jumped up and  hugged me. I told them I was concerned about their feelings about it, and my FIL said, "Well, you have to move on." I said, "Well, this is what I  mean, I don't like that term, I prefer moving forward."  "Well, whatever," was his response, but that's his response about a lot of things. But my MIL knew what I meant and agreed. Then she asked what he did, and when I told her (professional musician and adjunct professor) she asked if he had insurance. But the really funny part came when she offered to take DD any time BF and I wanted to get away for a weekend! I pictured Dan saying, "Aw no Mom, what are you doing? they're banging!" But then I thought about it and realized Dan would probably be laughing his ass off about that.

[daysofelijah]

My mother-in-law has always been positive about the possibility of me having a new relationship. When brother-in-law was asking me about if I was going to have my name on the stone, and I hesitated, mil spoke up and said  "No, you don't know she will probably want to remarry someday." Late dh's father died when he was a kid, mil was already divorced from him and remarried when his father did die.

 

So pretty much every time I see the family over the last 3.5 years they ask if I'm dating (we only see them 2-3 times a year as they live several hours away). I didn't make a big deal about it when I did start dating just said I was seeing someone, nothing too serious and they were positive and supportive. Brother-in-law and his family visited last month and wanted to meet NG so he came over and we all had dinner and had a good visit. It was a little weird, but a little not, idk. Everyone was good with it. Haven't gotten a chance for mil to meet him yet, but when she does I'm sure it will be okay.

[Guest TooSoon]

I took the lazy way out and just let my FIL, who I love and who is deeply involved in our lives, figure it out on his own, over time.  Plus, big pronouncements are not my thing.  I was over that when I had to make the big pronouncement about terminal brain cancer; that was enough for a lifetime. 

 

Its going on two years now and he has figured it out and I did sit down with him just before Christmas and we talked about being widowed (his wife died less than two months before my daughter was born and then his son died 6 years later) and I vaguely talked about the future.  For our relationship, which is a suprisingly good one given what it was like when Scott was alive, this seemed like the gentlest route.  I'm hoping less is more and that he can slowly come to grips with my daughter's and my life moving forward.  I know in some way it breaks his heart but in other ways, as a widow, he knows that we need to keep living and a part of him wants that for us. 

 

We're a small family on both sides so these things take on a big significance as there just aren't that many of us and the bonds feel tenuous.  I understand that and have tried to be conscious of others' need to feel like there is continuity between the past and the future.  So hard.