There's freedom in letting go

[still_lost]

I've been widowed for six years now, and I swear it hasn't gotten any easier. I was in a relationship for over two years, which didn't work out. After several months, I tried dating another guy who I thought had potential. I soon found out that we were not a match as he was not a communicator, never returned phone calls, and just seemed preoccupied with whatever he was doing. I decided not to continue seeing him although we were never in an official relationship. I'm not all that disappointed, to be honest. Ending the first relationship that I was on after being alone for so long, really hurt and upset me but I did my best to move on. Now I've realized that I'm not cut out for this dating thing. I never wanted to date a bunch of guys to figure out who was right for me. I was content being with one man who made me happy. I realize that you have to date in order to get to the relationship part, and at this point, it's not something that I want to do. Yesterday I decided to delete my online dating profile, and just focus on myself and my son. I've let go of this idea that I would ever find a man with all of the qualities that my husband possessed because he doesn't exist. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I'm not looking for anyone else. I almost feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, as it is one less thing that I have to worry about.

[Mrskro]

still_lost;

 

I can completely relate.  I'm at the same point now, and I'm at 17 months out; where the thought of trying to integrate someone new into my life, split what little free time I have with someone new and my kids, just doesn't work for me. 

[Captains wife]

This is completely understandable. There is something to be said for being contented with one's own life - and I think it so important to be so. Dating can be such hard work, and especially with kids, new lives, baggage etc. involved. You shouldn't online date if you don't like it and focusing on your son and your own life is very positive. Maybe you will feel differently later on - or maybe other forms of socializing would be more fulfilling? Have you tried any Meetup.com groups related to your interests and hobbies?

 

I feel your pain. I have been trying to date for almost 3 years now (online), had one 6mth relationship and one 1.8yr relationship and both of them failed miserably - and the end was also really painful (surprisingly). I live in the burbs, have a full time job and a 4yr old so I have limited free time and I put a lot of effort into my last relationship. I currently feel I don't have the energy for it again and so am on a dating break. (Of course my ex was out dating immediately, and on the site we met on - sigh). And, this is unusual for me as I never minded dating all that much in the past (even though it can be frustrating at times) - but post widow dating just isn't the same and seems too hard right now.

 

However, as much as I am ok on my own for now (and spending time with family, friends) - I do know that a part of me wants to re-couple at some point. (Its not for everyone but I'm not sure I want to be on my own forever). I don't know what that "re-coupling" will look like (i.e. I'm not sure I want a household integration while raising my young son) but I do feel it is worth the effort. Yet I also have come to realize that I can only tackle this part of my life when I "feel ready" and have the strength and willingness to do so. I don't think Ill ever meet anyone as loving as my husband but I do hope to meet someone with certain other qualities that was missing in my relationship with him. After my first CH 2 breakup, I dove right back into online dating as I so wanted to have a boyfriend - and to fill the void of the loss of my relationship - but then what happened was disastrous and I ended up with a boyfriend that had characteristics that I might not have put up with for so long if I had waited until I was in a better frame of mind to date.

 

I'm rambling a bit - but wanted to express my understanding of your dating frustration and my support that you are going it on your own (and with your son) for now.

[still_lost]

Thank you both for your responses. I drive myself crazy sometimes because no one else knows and understands what I'm going through. At six years, they feel like I should be over it and at a different place in my life, but they have not lived through this hell. It's good to be able to come here and feel validated. Thank you.