Mrskro

My 2 cents. 1. Is such a marriage deceitful or our own business? I think two people's commitment to each other is between them and whatever works for them. 2. Can we call each other husband and wife, or should that be reserved for the legally married? I personally have no issues with people referring to their significant others as husband and wife without the piece of paper. 3. Would you as a child, friend or relative of a couple doing this attend the wedding or feel duped if you found out it wasn’t a legal wedding? No, I would be happy to celebrate love, for me that's more important than the legal aspect. 4. Does anyone have any experience with having done this? No 5. If we opt for a commitment/unity/hand fasting ceremony instead of a wedding, is he your husband/she your wife? For me, yes, the commitment to each other is what makes a marriage not a piece of paper. 6. What do you call one another signifying your relationship if there is no ceremony but you are together, committed and in love? Whatever works for you! The institution of marriage and the laws and rules surrounding it have evolved over time. Different cultures have different traditions. Traditionally marriage was about power and wealth, love within marriage wasn't even considered. Today, society views marriage through the eyes of love. But, marriage means money to governments and who's to say marriage definitions can't evolve again to leave the government out of it.

My DH passed suddenly, but my step mother has brain tumours and my father recently passed away. The amount of information my step siblings should have had but didn't about their mothers condition when my dad passed away was astounding. I live 3 hours away from them but my Dad told me everything, from her meds to appointments and all the financial stuff. I think it was easier for him to talk to me because I've been there and know that information is so important to have. My step mothers tumours caused seizures and fairly significant memory issues, and most symptoms came of very quickly. I had to sit my step siblings down the day after my dad's funeral and go through everything step by step. NONE of them wanted to hear it and it sucked. My step brother called every day for weeks for new information and thanked me eventually for having the tough conversations. I don't think there is an easy way to have these conversations, but an opening could be (with the wife), "when my wife passed away I wish I had known these things....passwords, bank accounts whatever...." I'm sorry for you and your friend.

@Klim; Thanks for sharing, my daughter sounds a lot like your son, and goes away to University next year. I'm so glad to hear your son is headed in the right direction. University can be such a struggle without the added burden of grief on top of it.

Every little thing

And I don't know why this one is so much harder. Our birthdays are 4 days apart. So really on his last birthday I was already on this planet longer than he was. But now I"m officially older than he got to be. How is that even possible? And even worse...and I get it...how others don't see why this is a thing...but it's a thing...a huge thing to me. I shouldn't be older than he got to be.

But then DH dies on Sept 29th, we buried him on Oct 4th, our anniversary is Oct 9th. My birthday is in a couple days and his on November 6th. I'll be officially older than he ever got to be. I hate the fall now.

Coffee, All the coffee! Milk or cream for your coffee?

@Captainswife Their character amazes me every day, since 2012, we've lost both their grandfathers, their grandmother, great granny, their dad and their 2nd grandmother getting lung cancer that metastasized to her brain. They've had numerous people that swore they'd be there for them leave their lives and yet they thrive. Everyday I look at them in awe, they have both handled the shitty hand they been dealt with so much grace and dignity. Far better than I have. Thank you all for listening.

It's been three years now that I laid him to rest. Today is much harder than the day he died this year. I didn't think I was actively grieving anymore but today I miss him, I miss my kids father, my best friend, the other half of my story. I'm sad that he isn't here to see our beautiful daughter picking universities and preparing to start the next chapter in her life. I hate that he's not here to teach her to drive stick shift. I hate that she's playing on someone else's hockey team instead of his. I am so proud of the amazing woman she is turning into, that he helped her turn into and so angry that he's not here to see it. I'm sad that he can't look up to our 6' 3" 15 year old son and see what an amazing kid he is. I'm devastated that the boy has taken up playing rugby, plays for our Province, plays for an elite international team and he never even got to see him play. I'm heartbroken that he can't teach the boy about girls and dating, celebrating and teasing him about his not quite there mustache, Ok it's peach fuzz at best. He should have got to celebrate what a wonderful kid he is. I still can't believe in 5 days it would be, it is, our 17th wedding anniversary and he won't be here to celebrate it with me. How did it get to be 17 years? I'm sure it was just yesterday we met, fell in love, had our girl, got married, had the boy. How can we possibly have 17 and 15 year old kids? and how are you not here to raise them up with me? Time is a cruel thing, it flies by at times and is devastatingly slow at others. These have been both the longest, hardest 3 years of my life and at least in relation to the kids the quickest, bitter sweet years.

I am so sorry you are going through this. In my opinion he did take advantage of you, so many people leave us during our grieving and I can completely understand why you would stay close to him.

@66etype; I need a fuck it bucket! I might actually make a real one. May I steal that?

I may have laughed a little.

Why is the forum open to all who have lost? The mods have determined that this forum shall be an area open to anyone that has loved and lost that love through death, no matter what legal status they held or how long the time was that they were together. That certainly is their call (and that of the owners of the site.) But, having such a broad range of experience waters down the shared experience of those that participate. A widow who was married for 10 years has a completely different experience than that of a girlfriend whose boyfriend passed after less than a year of committed dating. I'm not a mod but really? It's 2017 and even the legal definition of spouse has changed, at least here in Canada. A widow married for a year has a completely different experience from a widower of 10 years has a different experience from a widow who has 3 kids and had been living common law with her spouse for 15 years before he passed but never married in a church has a different experience from a childless widower. A piece of paper doesn't define a person or their experience. I don't feel that being a widow or a widower is a shared experience. Everyone's path through this mixed up horrible journey is different. Coloured by our own experiences leading up to it, coloured by the people within our lives and by our paths moving towards. Some have in-laws that are great. Some suck and are horrible. Some lose friends and others have friends that stick by them. Some have kids and some don't. Some would like to remarry and some don't. Some find comfort in God and some like me, (I was raised very religious. Still believe but) do not find any comfort in God. I know, for in my case life tends to get busy in the summer. I've been lurking and not posting. But this board and its predecessor have been a life line for me.

@oneoftwo I'm completely anti hand-holding. I've never liked even holding my kids hands. My daughter grabs my hand just to bug me, it takes everything I have to not rip my hand away. But to echo the thoughts above, there are no rules. Or none that I was given.

I had my late mother's ring remade into my engagement ring originally. Her diamond was gorgeous, the ring not so much my taste. My mother had always said jewelry should be worn and not sitting in a box somewhere. I intend to remake the ring again, I just haven't decided what I want yet.

SL, I hear you. I'm not as far out, coming up on three years, and I haven't even tried to have a relationship but my life is work(I'm going to high jack your thread for a sec. I work for a man child, micro-managing idiot and quit for 2 blessed wonderful days last week until everyone I work with made me come back), kids, everyday life chores, sleep. Repeat. I feel like I'm existing and not living. But I know, at the very least I can come here and vent, to people that get it. People generally suck is my new life motto, but I know there are people that unfortunately get it. One of the strangest things about widowhood, is the people I thought would be here and aren't. But there's a couple I didn't expect to be that are. Hugs to you.

My 2 cents, there is a huge difference between going out picking up a stranger for a one night stand and texting a friend even saying you're looking for trouble and saying you want to date. But. Everyone's definition of casual sex is wildly different. Either way though, neither choice should be tied to your dignity and self respect. Other people's opinion of my sex life is really their problem and none of my business. Not that I have a sex life. I have, had a guy like vegas guy. Was all over wanting to date me until I said I was ready and then ghosted. He still pops up every now and then and I have no idea what he's trying to accomplish. I'm not interesting in pursuing a guy that doesn't know what he wants Good luck! Being single over 40 sucks.

I would love to approach this with the puricanical view that no one has sex out of marriage, but let's be realistic. And really that's not ever going to happen All you solo parents, what did you say? Who did you enlist? As a solo mom, I've tried to instill the "safe sex" talk. I'm sure the girl got it. The boy I'm not sure. How does a mom tell her boy about condoms? Etc? He's mostly embarrassed when I try then really listening.

Jen; I'm a bit behind you, timeline wise, in 4 months and a bit, it will be 3 years, my God how did it get to be three years. I've missed you on the board and your honesty, I could never put into words the way I felt like you did, but I heard you, I am you. I'm sorry, I couldn't say, well write my feelings out like you did, maybe I should have to help you too. In so many ways, I'm over the loss of my partner, my husband, I am definitely not over the loss of my kids father. I know that part never goes away. I sit here and wonder where I went. I am an introvert too, honestly most of the time I'd rather be home by myself, work takes most of my socializing energy away, and at this point anyone I'd like to have socialized with is tired of me. My DH was my energy, he helped me deal with people, he helped me get the energy I needed to deal, and now that's gone too. But I used to be able to, I used to love being around some people, now I decline invites more than I accept. I don't know if it's dealing with the kids and their lives, their friends without a buffer sucks any life out of me that I may have had, or if its this shitty hand I've been dealt. My therapist says I'm an introvert, dealing with people is draining, I think I need a new one, I knew that going in. Anyway, I could ramble on, but please know you are not an outsider. And I hear you!

45 on the quiz, I'll echo Donswife. No shit, Sherlock. I'm in on the widow house! I'll bring my sleeping bag and snacks

I would double check that he still has rights to come and go in the house. If you and your late husband owned the house jointly you may have survivorship rights. If that is not the case and your step son was willed a share in the house, I would move any personal possessions out right now, rent a short term storage unit if you must. Document everything, especially what he takes.

trying2breathe, No you aren't being too sensitive about this, but and I'm not siding with the school, they need to limit the number of people attending, schools are getting bigger and families are getting larger...if you include all the steps, grandparents etc. When my daughter graduated, her school limited tickets to parents and grandparents, some kids brought 10 or 12 people to include all the people that can possibly fall under that category. For my son's graduation they limited tickets to parents and step parents. I happened to know the vice principle of their school and actually talked to her. My daughter went with me and moving forward their policy is to limit the number of tickets per student to 4, regardless of who those 4 tickets are for; if tickets are available beyond that more can be 'requested'. Which is still not a great system because then some families get parents and grandparents etc. But for me, it was better than arbitrarily deciding some kids get 4 people and some get 1. It's a shitty, imperfect system and I would email the school, to make sure that they are aware that there are family situations beyond 2 parents or 2 parents and 2 step parents. Because I'm trying to not be completely cynical, I would like to believe they will change it moving forward. Congrats on your daughter's graduation and hugs, for me it was such a bitter-sweet event.

Candice; A will is about more than just possessions, there are other factors to consider. When my FIL passed away in 2012, without a will because everything was jointly owned with my MIL, she just left everything the way it was, names on bills etc. When MIL passes away, my husband was her executor and we had so much trouble trying to cancel the Hydro bill from her house. Him to Hydro "we've sold the house, please cancel the service" Hydro "your name isn't on the bill" DH "No, that gentlemen passed away" Hydro " are you his executor" DH " no, he didn't have an executor here is his death certificate" Hydro "who's been paying the bill for a year" DH " his late wife, who has also passed away, here is her death certificate and will" Hydro " she isn't listed on the bill either, we can't help you" Fast forward 8 months, DH passes away with no will and I'm still receiving bills in the name of "The estate of...." 3 deaths later and can't get them to stop. I called and got the same run around, at which point, I'm seriously annoyed, so I started sending the bills back "deceased" It actually went to collections (and was dismissed easily once I told them the story but still a hassle I didn't need) because no one was named to deal with FIL's bills. Everyone else has pretty much covered what I think you need, guardian, power of attorney, medical power of attorney (not the same person as power of attorney so your money and health are separate). This stuff all sucks but is necessary.

Bambi; I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of losing your DH. I'm sorry but losing a parent is no excuse for abusive behaviour. And you didn't ruin his life. He did by assaulting you. That's on him, not you and please don't let anyone convince you otherwise. People are responsible for their own actions and the consequences of those actions. I'll lend my voice to agreeing with this.

Michael. There are no words. I am so sorry. I'm listening too. Nic