You Do Not Have To Be Good - HuffPo Article

[Guest sphoc]

Read this today, thought I'd share:

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nora-mcinerny-purmort/you-do-not-have-to-be-good_b_9283332.html?utm_hp_ref=healthy-living

[fuchsiasky]

There is a line in there about stuffing pillows into their clothes for cuddling.  I do that.  I put his shirt on my pillow 4 months ago and haven't taken it off. 

[SoVerySad]

Fuchsiasky, I also have a pillow that is covered with one of my husband's shirts. Sometimes I pull it out when I go to bed and rest my head on it as I used to rest my head on his chest, close my eyes, and just spend time remembering.

[Jen]

I have one of those back rest pillows with the arms, the kind you're supposed to be able to lean against in bed, but really it's too short/small to do much. Jim and I bought it when we first got married-- I don't even know why. We were getting bean bags for the kids, and I saw it, and for some obscure reason I wanted it, so he got it for me. It spent most of its time on the couch-- I used it for lower back support when I was sitting on the couch and surfing on my laptop. It got pretty worn, cat-clawed, leaking stuffing, etc-- when he died, it actually had a big hole in it, and I was getting ready to toss it.

 

The first night I went back to our house, I moved that pillow to our bed-- it had been sitting beside him on the couch when he went into respiratory arrest. It's not really snuggle-able, but I tried.

 

When I got around to sorting his things, I had a drawer full of his underwear-- some brand-new, he'd only just had his birthday. But who wants a dead man's underwear, even if it's unworn? I couldn't bring myself to toss it... but I didn't see the point in donating it, either. (He was, shall we say, not an average-sized man, so there wouldn't be too many people who could use his shorts, anyway.)

 

I folded them all neatly, the way he taught me-- laundry was his specialty, lol-- and I stuffed them into that pillow. As many as would fit, and then I sewed it up. Now that pillow weighs close to 20 lbs, and it's definitely not very snuggly, but it stands sentinel in my bed, and will for the foreseeable future. Kinda pitiful-- my comfort objects include a pillow stuffed with my deceased husband's undies-- but it is what it is.

[fuchsiasky]

I also have a giant stuffed moose that sleeps in my bed.  It belongs to my daughter and was given to her shortly before Rob died.  We put Rob's Darth Vader shirt on it and spray it with his cologne.  Its name is Moose Vader.  We cuddle him when we miss Rob too much.

[fuchsiasky]

 

When I got around to sorting his things, I had a drawer full of his underwear-- some brand-new, he'd only just had his birthday. But who wants a dead man's underwear, even if it's unworn? I couldn't bring myself to toss it... but I didn't see the point in donating it, either.

 

I still have all Rob's underwear.  I'm keeping the boxers for me cause they're comfy under my skirts.  I always used to steal them!  The rest though I have no idea what to do with.  I also kept his ratty old shorts that were his favorite.  I will probably never get rid of them.  I just can't bring myself to do it.  Even though they are the ugliest thing ever!

[lcoxwell]

I also kept his ratty old shorts that were his favorite.  I will probably never get rid of them.

 

My Kenneth had this ratty old pair of jeans that had holes in them, paint stains on them, and white blotches from where he had dropped bleach on them by accident. They were the most God-forsaken, ugly pair of jeans imaginable. On top of that, as his illness progressed over the years, he lost so much weight that they just hung loosely on his body. There were times, when it was a good thing he was in a wheelchair; because if he had had to take more than three steps, he would have been flashing his underwear to anyone who happened to be in the immediate vicinity.

 

I had begged him for years to get rid of those things, and he flat refused. I bought him new jeans that he never wore; but nearly every time we left the house, he would have those ugly old things on his body. It was embarrassing to be seen with him.

 

After he died, one of the first things I did was go to the closet. I thought, "Finally! I can throw these ugly things away!" And then, I broke down into tears. I simply could not bring myself to let go of them. When I moved last Summer, I tossed, gave away, or donated nearly every possession I/we had owned. Those jeans came with me, though, and are still hanging in my closet. For nearly two years, I was convinced I would likely never, ever let them go.

 

I've recently had a change of heart and made the decision to make a special ceremony of finally getting rid of them on June 9th of this year, the day before I get married to New Guy. It seems like the right thing to do, and I feel ready to part with them, now. It also seems like a way that I can spend a little time thinking of him, honoring him, remembering him in a special way, and of letting go, before I start my new life.

 

I still have a few very special, treasured items (like the black cowboy hat Kenneth wore in our wedding) that I will be keeping; so I won't be completely erasing all traces of Kenneth. At nearly two years after Kenneth's death, though, I realize it is a bit silly to hold on to ratty jeans that I hated so very much, when there are more meaningful remembrances I can hold on to, instead.

[Wynne]

My Aunt very thoughtfully gave me a large stuffed tiger after Ronnie passed.  I think she realized how strange it would be for me to sleep alone.  Turns out, one of the girls ends up with me every night, but that is beside the point.  It was a nice gesture.

 

Some other points that resonated with me were the people looking for a wedding ring.  I now sometimes feel judged as a single mother by people who may not know my situation.  I know it is their problem and not mine, but it makes me a bit uncomfortable.  I also agree with "people don't want to look at the hard things."  I understand it and I don't understand it.  Sh** happens everyday.  How can any adult still live in a bubble of rainbows?  I'm not saying to live depressed.  I believe just the opposite, that sadness and tragedy bring appreciation for the good times, but shouldn't we have learned how to tolerate it in others, even to just bring the comfort of our presence?  At least not to run away?  I'd rather get an insensitive comment (at least its an attempt) than for someone to turn when they see me coming.  It's a hurt on top of hurting that no one needs.  I'm rambling. My point is that I think society should have evolved to be able to cope with loss since it is ever-present. 

 

I'm sorry.  I'm just sad and hurt and angry, and mostly friendless.  No one wants to hear about Ronnie.  They run away when I mention him.  As the author said, its not our job to put on a happy face.  I still try to do it though and I'm aggravated when it doesn't pay off.

 

Thanks for posting.