My turn I guess

[MrsDan]

Warning, rambling vent post here. I need a break. Or maybe it?s the last thing I need, because I am completely unmotivated lately, and if I took an actual break from things I might not be able to ever make myself do all the stuff I should be doing at all. I have to do my taxes, I haven?t even started working on them and they will be ridiculously complicated this year. DD needs her yearly hip x-ray. My laundry sink is leaking, and despite numerous phone calls there isn?t a single fucking plumber in the entire metro area willing to do evening appointments, so I had to cave and ask my BIL for help to be there. Because I have to be able to do laundry, but cannot miss a day of the job that I absolutely hate. I just put my foot in my mouth with one of the few coworkers that I actually like around here. DD and I both need to go to the dentist. I have had a splitting headache every single day (except two) for the last three weeks. My FIL has been given roughly 1 ? years to live, could be less, could be more. DD and I are supposed to visit him this weekend, but now I think I?m getting sick, which will delay the trip by two weeks. The neighbor behind me hates my dogs, actually comes outside to tell them to shut up, despite the fact that almost everyone in the neighborhood has a dog and they all bark constantly. I have a boyfriend who I love, but I?m finding the adjustment from being a wife to a new girlfriend tricky. I find myself dealing with trust issues and insecurities. DD loves him, which is awesome on the face of it but what if things don?t work out? I?ve been trying to focus on this new relationship and forging ahead. But last night it hit me like a tsunami: Dan was my best friend, and I miss my best friend. And today is leap day and for some fucking reason that I don?t understand, it is hitting me especially hard that the last time there was a leap day, Dan was alive, and we had no idea what was coming seven months later.

 

In sum: I hate my job, I feel like crap, I?m unsure where my relationship is headed, and I miss my best friend.

 

[Guest TormentedTwoStep]

I don't have any advice, trite little stories, or motivational lines for you.  All I can offer is that I hear you, I understand you, and I get it.  I hadn't thought about the leap day implication until I read this.  And I realize that like you, my spouse was alive the last time this rolled around, and we had another year and 8 months until "Death Do Us Part."

 

Fast forward a year ago at this time and I was in love and happy.  Now, I'm still reeling and longing for a Chapter 2 that didn't work out, and the fear that Chapter 3 may never show up or happen for me.  The house is a wreck, my job is nothing stellar, my creative endeavors really don't mean a thing to me, the laundry is piled up, I've gained almost 40 pounds since the break up, I have an injured knee from a fall I incurred on a date which resulted in being friendzoned, I haven't cooked for myself in months, I binge watch crap on netflix, and generally feel exhausted and powerless. My therapist is worried for me and says I'm stuck in a deep case of clinical depression.  Without increased medication, I may be stuck.  I just want to leave work, go home and sleep, but I'm a severe insomniac so I don't.  When I do sleep I dream of my wife and my ex chapter 2 both showing up to tell me how they're much better off and happier without me.  Sleep-when I get it-isn't even an escape.

 

At almost two and a half years out, nobody wants to hear it anymore.  I'm miserable and feel like I've regressed so far and no longer have any capacity for happy.  I desperately want to love again, but I'm in no shape to contribute to a relationship and I can't expect anyone to take on a mess like this.  And I'm ashamed that as good as things were a year ago, I'm in a world of self defeating crap now, and feel isolated due to poor choices.  And all I want is my best friend, my wife, to talk to and tell my how I'm going to make it, and to hold me while I spill it all and cry like a baby.

 

Sorry to rant myself, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.  It must be the season and I guess it's par for this course from hell.  I get it and stand with you-from the member formerly known as MG.

[Captains wife]

Sorry Mrs Dan - rant away. That is ALOT to deal with and it seems to always come at once, right ? Understand feeling overwhelmed by everything and it doesn't help that you are unhappy at work. I sooo get the boyfriend issue - I had such a hard time adjusting from being a wife (and with my son's father) to "just" a girlfriend. I had many insecurity issues, especially as the man I was dating was not particularly sensitive. (Your guy actually sounds supportive). And, after all you have been through the trust issues are completely understandable. But here is what I did learn on the relationship front- 1) my trust issues, insecurities and just handling them myself (and not always in a good way because I would get confrontational when I felt threatened) only created more fights with my ex. So my advice is to talk to him about what you feel comfortable talking about. Also try not to worry about things out of your control.  2) Worrying about the future also created issues for me. Its not easy but trust your gut and try and go with the day by day for now.

 

Wishing you all the best - somehow we are supposed to be superhuman to deal with all this crap !

[MrsDan]

Thank you for responses. TTS, no apologies necessary. I'm sorry others are struggling but we should all remember we're not alone. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time; I hope posting about it helps, even a tiny bit.

 

Things got worse; daycare called to tell me DD was throwing up. So I had to pick her up and right now we're watching Doc McStuffins, a show I hate for its medical theme, but she's sick, so.... Right now it's a lovely episode about a father and son jack in the box pair. The dad got hurt, but it's okay, sometimes parents get sick or hurt but they'll be okay. They'll always be there for you. Fuck you Doc McStuffins.

 

CW, I brought up the issue a bit with BF the other night. I didn't want to scare him off, so I just explained it's been a while since I've been a new girlfriend, and might be a little clunky at it. So I wanted to know if he's okay with the pacing. He said he is, it's been a while for him too. He said it's good to check in now and then. But sometimes I have a hard time knowing where he's at. Like, he stayed in contact all weekend when he was out of town. But I haven't heard from him all day today, which is kind of unusual. I realize this is probably no big deal, and whenever this happens there is always a reasonable explanation. He is also dealing with an incredibly stressful situation of his own.  It's just that I'm having a bad day and I don't feel well, so I'm overanalyzing. In addition to fighting off this cold, I'm dealing with an awesome case of heartburn that came from out of nowhere.

 

 

I'm tired.

[Guest TooSoon]

Sending solidarity both about the puking kid (mine puked all weekend) and about being tired.  For what its worth, I've been a mess lately.  The smallest thing sets me off and I'm just so sick of it all.  It is not grief for me any longer but something else that defies definition.  And my job - oh my fucking job. 

 

Vis a vis your relationship, I want to reassure you that I went through the trust issues and insecurities; allowing myself to be "vulnerable" or taken care of were probably the two single most difficult things for me.  Some days, they still are.  It has abated but a year ago at this time, when Adp and I had been "together" for about a year, I was a royal basket case.   

[Max2507]

I have been thinking about leap day as well and it has been kind of wrecking me today. It always seemed like it should be a special day just coming every four years. 2008 we had a family party and campfire. It was so wonderful everyone around the fire eating s'mores. 2012 was a busy year. It seems like we didn't do anything really for any day just working, trying to recover from the recession, exhausted. We did nothing for leap day and really not for any other holiday that year. Then 2013 he's gone. Now it's already almost three years since he died. Next leap year 2020 sounds insane.

[MrsDan]

Thank you again for your responses. The more I think about it a big part of the problem for me right now is I really don't feel well. I've had very bad headaches every day except two for over three weeks now. I stopped one medication I thought was the culprit. I went to the eye doctor but they said my prescription really hasn't changed all that much. The last week or so I've gotten more sleep. The next thing to try is the dentist; I know I have some dental issues and I think I may be grinding my teeth at night. But that's a whole thing, finding a dentist covered by my insurance, finding the insurance card. It makes it hard to stay motivated and focused at work when I am in constant pain. I also find that the things I'm anxious about are so much worse when I'm not feeling well.

 

BF didn't call until late in the day the other day because he was sick. Totally reasonable explanation, like always. He's given me no reason to doubt him, or us. He is so sweet, so considerate. It's just hard to have confidence in something so good, and it's 100% my issue. In my opinion, we're right where we should be at four months of dating. It's just so hard for me to trust in anything good.

 

I'm really sick of winter, sick of people getting sick. Yesterday I got stuck going up a hill in a snowstorm. I just thought, I'm screwed, but I can't freak out, I've got to get myself out of this, through this, like I do EVERYTHING. My BIL, SIL, their two kids, DD, and my boyfriend have now all gotten a stomach bug. I am the only one who hasn't gotten it. And I better not, because BF, DD, and I have plans to go visit my ILs this weekend. I spoke to my MIL this weekend about us possibly not being able to make it. She told me he really wants to see DD. She doesn't know how badly or how quickly he'll decline and she does not want DD to remember him that way. It gutted me to hear that.

 

Oh, and last night I had a dream that my boyfriend died too. When I got up this morning I saw that he had texted me this beautiful song. I could have cried. And I realized how emotionally overwhelming it is, being in love with two men.

[MauiMermaid]

Dan was my best friend, and I miss my best friend. And today is leap day and for some fucking reason that I don?t understand, it is hitting me especially hard that the last time there was a leap day, Dan was alive, and we had no idea what was coming seven months later.

 

In sum: I hate my job, I feel like crap, I?m unsure where my relationship is headed, and I miss my best friend.

 

Vent away. ^^^^ That hits it on the nail. Leap year hit me hard too and I'm about the just f*cking deactivate FB because I can't stand the "4 years ago", "5 years ago" shit that comes up. Stick the knife deeper in my heart thank you very much.

 

I totally get the insecurities of a new relationship. For me, the first 6 months were sort of honeymoon phase and the excitement of the new feelings almost served like a drug of sorts to my mood. Now, 1.5 yrs in, I feel anxious, a little insecure, scared of what would go down if this ended. I'm fragile and not trusting of his feelings (all me there, he has given me no reason to not trust). And "girlfriend" feel so flimsy to me. I'm still used to soulmate, best friend, life-long partner (in good and really tough times). It's all so strange. I never really dated before I met my husband so still trying to navigate this relationship thing.

 

I miss my best friend, too. (((Hugs MrsDan))) xoxo

[MauiMermaid]

And I realized how emotionally overwhelming it is, being in love with two men.

 

Spot on.