Up and DOOOOWWWWNNNN

[JaseBlade]

Sorry about the capitals in the title,I just thought I had to stress how big a down I'm having right now.

I seem to have got myself into a bit of a difficult situation at the moment. I requested a deadline for university work due in last Wednesday, which was agreed to be extended to tomorrow. I was planning on doing this over the weekend, but got back from uni on Friday to find messages from people putting blame on me for Grace's death. I spent the entire weekend naming and shaming these people, with a video I made about it on facebook now going up for 50,000 views, with people word-wide getting in touch with words of support and saying it's inspirational. It made me feel good to have a way of releasing the anger I got from reading comments from people blaming me, but reality has now hit when I've tried sitting down to do some work.

Things have been very difficult today, and I have no interest and seemingly no ability to actually do the work. I feel mentally and physically drained.

 

I told my friend this, who then asked if I want my university degree. I replied with 'I don't fucking know', but then tried explaining things a little more to her-

 

'I've been forced to live a life I don't want. I though I was going to have Grace there to cuddle and laugh with every day after uni, to cheer me up when I was down, or to just give me hope to get through everything. I thought Grace would be there at my graduation smiling back at me with pride...and now I'm in fucking pieces writing this. I thought I'd get a job to save up for me and Grace to move in together. I thought I'd get to wait at the front of the aisle while Grace was walking down with her dad, before putting a wedding ring on her finger and kissing her- I loved kissing Grace. I thought we'd have children, I wanted them to look like mini versions of Grace, she wanted them to be mini versions of me. I thought we'd grow old together. I thought we'd die old, together.

 

But now, I have none of that. I have a life I don't want and didn't chose. The things that mattered then don't any more. The things I could manage then, I can't any more. I'm fighting to find another life, but at the moment, I have no idea what I want or need.'

 

So yeah, things aren't great today, not at all.

 

Hugs to you all though- I wish they could be physical and not just in words though, I couldn't half do with a big hug!

 

 

 

[Guest marian1953]

Here is a huge hug from California- I haven't commented on your video, but it brought me to tears and I shared it with others.

Is there any way to get another extension on the work due at the university? As a former educator, I would think they would. I am so sorry you are having such a horrible time at the moment. Please try to go easy on yourself. Those horrible, thoughtless people who put blame on you- I hope a few of them see your video. JaseBlade, huge hugs from me this morning.

Marian

 

[Wheelerswife]

Jason,

 

It is so hard to lose your love and your future and to have people place blame for her death on you, too.  I'm in school, too, started a new semester 11 days after my husband died, and I find the further out I get from his death, the harder it is sometimes to focus on my school work.  You should have Grace at your side, the opportunity to marry her and have children with her and have a future with her. 

 

The world is hearing your voice.  Sadly, at the same time, it does nothing to bring Grace back.

 

We are listening.

 

Maureen

[Carey]

OH honey ....... I'm so very sorry. Have you considered perhaps taking a semester off to regroup? I don't have much to offer but Maureen s right .......you have a powerful voice and a gift. And we are listening.

[Guest sphoc]

*HUGS*

 

 

I was in a similar situation with school. I was trying to finish my graduate degree, but by the time the final capstone project came around, I was having a very difficult time personally and struggling with major depression myself. I couldn't focus, and it didn't help that I was living in the apartment where my husband ended his life. Being stuck in there, trying to complete this project that seemed utterly hopeless at time... it was hell. But, I ended up graduating six months later than I intended with the help of some incredibly compassionate people.

 

 

I know schools vary in their policies, but the thing I will recommend to you is that you keep communication with your instructors and administrators open. Sadly, they have seen their fair share of students who have suffered tremendous losses, and they will do what they can to help you out. You just have to remember that they don't know what you need, so be open and ask for it. They can help you come up with a plan that will allow you the resources that you need (for me, it was extra time because most days I felt like I was walking through sludge), and maybe even provide some counseling both for the schooling and personally.

 

 

 

 

[Jen]

I can't offer any better advice, but I've got plenty of ((((HUGS)))))) I'm another one floundering through school-- I started with a full load (after 9 years away from uni) last August, when I was 4+ months out. I'm only taking one class this session, but it's kicking my tail. My original plan was to be done by the end of this summer, but I've reevaluated my position on that-- it's just not worth the stress.

[lcoxwell]

I am sorry you are struggling so much, right now.  It is cruel and unthinkable, the attacks you have had to deal with, and you responded with such dignity and have managed to make a video that may help others.  It's a shame that that had to derail your progress, and Maureen is right.  You should have your Grace there with you, and you should be able to grow old and have children together.  I'm sorry things didn't work out that way, for you.  If you need more time, ask for it.  The worst they can say is no, and you won't be any worse off than you are right now.

[anniegirl]

sphoc gives very good advice. Let your instructors know what's going on with you and see what they can offer for help and guidance.

 

I know it doesn't seem important right now because the person at the heart of all your hopes, dreams and the plans you'd put into place to fulfill them is gone. Trivializes the future and makes the now seem pointless.

 

But you are going to want to dream and hope again someday, so if you are up to it, leave yourself a foundation to come back to.

 

I saw your video. I was appalled that people could be so flip and cruel. I completely understand your response and it was a lot kinder nd measured than mine would have been. You are a good person.

 

Up and down is normal. Feeling like nothing matters anymore is normal. Needing to rethink before moving in any direction is normal.

 

There is no time table. No rules.

 

Just be easy on yourself. And as Icoxwell says, ask for time for your school work if you need it. It's hard to reach out. Makes you more vulnerable at a point when you aren't likely feeling interested in any more of that - but you are likely to find more help and understanding than not.

 

I am so sorry for your loss and the way you've been treated. You didn't deserve that.

[BrokenHeart2]

I hear ya Jason, the pain can be unbearable at times. It hurts like hell

Hugs to you.