Any opinions

[Needytoo]

I will try to keep this short.  I never had any support from family and only my SIL and her family are local. I have accepted this forgave etc.  My SIL and her family are different even before my husband's passing if we were invited over the whole family would disappear and we would be left in the living room by ourselves. 

The kids and I have gone over a few times and through their weird way I think they have tried to be involved in our lives but it just comes off as poking their nose into our business. 

My BIL also lost his wife and quickly started dating again and I do wish him well. He wanted to be their for my kids but that didn't happen. 

My SIL son has come out that he is transgender, my kids are having some issues with it.  Not sure why since we don't see any of their cousins when we go over they are all hiding in their rooms. 

My SIL only emails me, never calls.  I will admit I never call her either.

She invited us over for a few hours on Easter Sunday.  It has to be a only a few hours because her husband's family is coming over. 

My kids really don't want to go, as my youngest puts it they don't care we don't care why fake it. 

I am at a loss on what is the correct thing to do.  What would Miss Manners say in a time like this? 

[BrokenHeart2]

You have to leave before husband's family comes?  How odd.  Your kids don't want to go, do you?

[Portside]

What would Miss Manners say in a time like this?

 

"Gentle Reader, try this - Thank you very much for the invitation. Regrettably, we are not able to attend as we have a previous engagement."

 

Mike

[Mrskro]

Needy;

 

you have just describe my sister and brother and our relationships.  My kids and I have all adopted the "why fake it" approach.    The once in a blue moon they invite my kids to something (I'm no longer invited) we just say we have something else going on. 

[klim]

I've had these debates with myself for quite a long time. Not the same situation but the same essential feelings.

My kids hate going to family gatherings(both sides of the family). They haven't always been picnics for me either but we have gone. I can't seem to cut ties because of awkwardness.  Yes I limit  the amount of time spent but usually show up for a while and now that my son can drive I'll probably say drop me off and stay for 15min Pick me up later.. 

This was  all true even before dh died and I'm really happy I hadn't cut anybody off because I needed people to lean on  when dh passed. Family is who came through.

 

So I don't think it's an etiquette question , it's the need not to cut  ties.. If you are strong  alone or have a strong friends network. Then make a choice...

[Mrskro]

Mine was frankly easy to cut the ties too.  They weren't there for us in any way shape or form after DH died.  I see no need to extend myself to them now.

[Forgottenwife]

She invited us over for a few hours on Easter Sunday.  It has to be a only a few hours because her husband's family is coming over. 

My kids really don't want to go, as my youngest puts it they don't care we don't care why fake it. 

 

This is enough to politely decline. And you can do so with class as Portside so eloquently worded.

 

I would be tempted to never see this person again - her rude attitude that you can't be present and part of family when her husbands family is over? I'm shocked. She sounds... gross. I would happily find something, anything else to do.

[Guaruj]

My SIL and her family are different even before my husband's passing if we were invited over the whole family would disappear and we would be left in the living room by ourselves. 

 

Her family does not sound like a happy one. This level of social dysfunction also suggests that neither parent worked very hard to teach these children any manners.

 

She invited us over for a few hours on Easter Sunday.  It has to be a only a few hours because her husband's family is coming over.

 

I have to assume that she meant well by inviting you. Even so, she might actually be relieved if you turned her down nicely.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[Needytoo]

Thank you everyone for all your replies.  I think I have finally moved on from all this family stuff.  Not one family member was there for us. I remember begging for help from my SIL and got nothing. I am not angry any longer but still jealous of people that have supportive families.   

 

Last night my oldest son said he doesn't consider anyone but his brother and myself family. 

You are right Mrskro "why fake it". 

 

I emailed my SIL  to let her know. 

[Guest TooSoon]

I pick and choose my battles with family, as I am the only one in my generation who lives close enough to see anyone regularly.  I prioritized my parents and my FIL because I want my daughter to have them as constants in her life for as long as possible but my brother and my SIL - no thank you.  It helps not to have expectations.  I can't count on my brother or my SIL so I simply don't have any expectations.

 

My 80 something year old uncle died last year.  I loved him very much.  He had been extremely ill for a long time and it was time for him to let go.  My aunt, with whom I was also close, is understandably devastated but has, for reasons unknown, targeted me for not doing enough or being there for her and directed much of her anger at me.  Like because I'm widowed, too, I have an obligation.  I've just not engaged it.  I can't; I suspect even if I did, nothing I did would be right or enough. 

 

I wouldn't say I've cut ties with any of these people, I simply choose not to involve them in my life or engage more than necessary and the less I reach out, the less I hear from them.  So much the better.