Grief is a Beast.

[Heartspy]

3 years ago today. 3 Muthafking years. I thought I was doing ok, for a widow. You know- working, eating, sleeping, laughing, breathing. Then this day shows up and I am crippled. Grief is such a sneaky beast. Paralyzing, really.

The compound fracture, of it all, is tomorrow is my birthday. It's so awkward. I will never be able to celebrate my life without thinking about his death. I'm a smidge over 50- so who cares about Birthdays anyway, right? haha. Someday, I hope to evolve enough, spiritually, to look at the two as the same. You know death vs birth = same thing. But, I'm just not there, yet. Not in my heart, anyway.

For now, comfort comes from the belief that love is stronger than death. I'll hold onto that.

[Wheelerswife]

Grief is a beast, isn't it?  I'm glad you stopped by to post.  I get the wind knocked out of me, too, when these days approach.  I met my second husband on the day before my birthday and that day just seems to slap me upside the head.  That was last weekend.  I had an exciting time doing yard work and I bought myself a lawnmower for my birthday.  Yay, birthdays!

 

Love is the most important thing in this life...that, and our memories.  Today and tomorrow, I hope you can find some good memories of the love you shared with your husband.

 

Maureen

[Heartspy]

Thanks, Maureen.

You're kindness and response are much appreciated.

It's hard to articulate the bizarre emotional stuff to "others" - but at least here, I feel understood.

Haven't been on this board since the old one closed and grateful I had a place to express my downward slide, without judgement. Widow/ers are the best pillows. We can just rest and lean on each other- no explanation necessary. 💞

[Guest TooSoon]

We've been having a bit of a 3 years fest here lately.  Mine was in February and the conclusion is that Im going to survive - and sometimes thrive - but that I'm really, really tired.  Solidarity. 

[BrokenHeart2]

Hugs HS! I'm coming up on 3 yrs next month and so many thoughts and emotions hitting.

I really like "Widow/ers are the best pillows"  What a great way to state it, you are so right!!

Like TS said....solidarity!!!

 

 

[Trying]

You are all really screwing with my delusions that in 5 months when I hit 3 years I'm going to magically be whole again.

 

Since that's apparently not going to happen, I am happy to be another pillow for you.  I hope you find a way to do something special for yourself on your birthday, you've made it to another one and that is pretty awesome.

[klim]

I have my birthday 5 days before DH's deathday(April 6 and April11 ).....it does get odd because at 3 years I have moved forward and this year celebrated my birthday with NG. He had fun giving me balloons( actually he came to pick me up and when he opened the  car door for me to get in , my spot was filled to overflowing with balloons). Well all those balloons ended up in my house. So 5 days later I'm reflecting on Dh's death, and what changed for ever that day, the end to so much  and yet there were pink ballloons floating around reminding me of what has transpired and the rebuilding that has taken place.

The closeness of the dates will be forever but I believe that at three years I was feeling better( that's a relative term on purpose) .

 

I like the pillow thing too. It's a good image

[BrokenHeart2]

Hey Trying nowhere near whole so there's no magic but I like the pillow analogy once again. Thinking back, you have all been my soft pillows to land, sometimes I feel like I'm starting to get some footing under me only to have it sucked out from under so fast. And then I have to pull myself up again.  What a trying jouney this has been.

I like 'Solidarity'

Hugs

[JeanGenie]

It will be 3 years for me this Friday and this morning I'm a mess.  I came on here to post and found this thread and it's just what I'm feeling.  I had a good weekend away.  I laughed, I enjoyed the sun and good company.  Yet here I find myself this morning with a sadness surrounding me.  Sometimes I feel so "bipolar".  I think it began to hit as I drove home yesterday, alone....to my empty house...  When I'm in a "good" place, I can be proud of all I've managed to do these 3 years and the new friends I've made that provide support and happy moments.  But then just as quickly, I'm reminded of my reality.

 

I'm reminded of how alone I am and that how I no longer have that one person who really cares for me.  If I never made it home yesterday, would anyone notice? would anyone care?  There are many triggers this morning that remind me of each moment 3 years ago...my week from hell.  Yet, what saddens me even more is that it's been 3 years and I'm just tired.  How much longer can I continue to try to pull this off? I work hard to pretend to be this independent woman...working hard at my job, maintaining my house, to be a good boss at work, to maintain these new friendships I've formed.  But today I just want to shut out the world and disappear. But my greatest fear if I shut down and pulled away? That no one would even notice. And that scares me even more...  And then I feel weak and that's a side I never want to show anyone.  Yet here I am sharing it with all of you.  I F*ing hate this!

[Wheelerswife]

JeanGenie,

 

Fortunately, some people really care about you, but I know it isn't the same as having the love we have lost.  I'll be thinking of you this week.  I'm trying to figure out if I can pull off getting to the bago in a few weeks.  It won't be easy, but I would like to come!

 

Maureen

[Guest TooSoon]

It will be 3 years for me this Friday and this morning I'm a mess.  I came on here to post and found this thread and it's just what I'm feeling.  I had a good weekend away.  I laughed, I enjoyed the sun and good company.  Yet here I find myself this morning with a sadness surrounding me.  Sometimes I feel so "bipolar".  I think it began to hit as I drove home yesterday, alone....to my empty house...  When I'm in a "good" place, I can be proud of all I've managed to do these 3 years and the new friends I've made that provide support and happy moments.  But then just as quickly, I'm reminded of my reality.

 

I'm reminded of how alone I am and that how I no longer have that one person who really cares for me.  If I never made it home yesterday, would anyone notice? would anyone care?  There are many triggers this morning that remind me of each moment 3 years ago...my week from hell.  Yet, what saddens me even more is that it's been 3 years and I'm just tired.  How much longer can I continue to try to pull this off? I work hard to pretend to be this independent woman...working hard at my job, maintaining my house, to be a good boss at work, to maintain these new friendships I've formed.  But today I just want to shut out the world and disappear. But my greatest fear if I shut down and pulled away? That no one would even notice. And that scares me even more...  And then I feel weak and that's a side I never want to show anyone.  Yet here I am sharing it with all of you.  I F*ing hate this!

 

Oh my.  This is exactly how I feel.  This weekend I was busy - out in the world, feeling pretty good, but then that crushing weight of the alone-ness and the exhaustion and the pounding silence came back last night.  I hear you. I wonder every day how much longer I can pull this off, as you say.  Again, solidarity.  I can only hold out hope that this is just yet another phase of this process and it, too, shall pass?  More solidarity. 

[Guest TooSoon]

I'm just stopping back by to say that I'm having a terrible day.  I cried and cried last night and now have super-swollen, puffy eyes as I am about to walk into a classroom when all I want to do it go home and sit in the sun with a book.  Two years ago I would not have been able to force myself to do this - face life.  But I guess that's what happens.  I guess you just learn to do it.  Honestly, though, I'm actually taking all of my things from my office into the classroom with me so that I can bolt the minute I am finished teaching because I don't think I can handle any sort of encounters with colleagues or one minute of small talk today.  Ugh! 

[rifatheroffour]

39 months and 5 days...sad that I still can figure this out so quickly.  The reality is that most days are fine.  I do not cry daily, I can smile at her pictures and say good night to her.  I find my grief and missing her is worst when I try to envision my future and what form of happiness that future might hold.  I had a glimpse at being happy again and it vanished.  So now I try to focus on trying to take back some control in my life...lol...fleeting as it may be.  But the days when I do feel overwhelmed by everything that grief monster can get such a hold that I just want to crawl into a hole to be left alone.  The worst thing grief has stolen from me is hope and the ambition and drive I once knew so well. 

[Heartspy]

To all my pillows:

Thank  you for keeping it real. I so appreciate the rawness of your words. The reality of our forever altered, "we survived their deaths," state of consciousness can be so overwhelming. I dragged my puffy eyes to work today, too. Thankfully everyone honored my "please don't mention my birthday" request. I got lots of smiles, side hugs and back pats, but no words to make me engage in the bondage of small talk. (I'm always afraid I'll start screaming. haha- like a lunatic.)

No way can I celebrate my life the day after his death, but I did go down to the beach and caught the most amazing sunset (Naples, FL.) and swear I saw him wink at me, from behind the sun.

In the very beginning, the relief that his suffering ended was greater than my grief. But now, it's just me coping with life, as a widow. The days when grief takes it's best shots, I have no defense. I just give in. Fuck it- you win, grief. Now, go away.

Sending out huge hugs to you all and your gentle broken hearts. xo - Meg

[Guest sphoc]

Yesterday was three years for me, and two days before that was one of those milestone birthdays, so your post truly resonated with me. I had taken the day off work yesterday, but damn, did it slap me upside the head - I think it was worse than last year had been. Flashbacks and nightmares and crying at the drop of a hat. April is just the worst. My thoughts are with you, OP. *HUGS*

[MrsT85]

I'm in the April 2013 club too - just had my three year on 4/5 and 4/6.  He died at around 2am, so 4/6 is his official death date although 4/5 - the anniversary of the last time I saw him before I left for work that morning - hit me much harder this year. 

 

I've done a lot of work rebuilding my life these past three years, but I feel I remain a fairly hollow version of the person that I was when he died.  Most days are fine, some of them are even really good.  But losing him still mutes the vibrancy of happiness I'm able to feel.  Some days the grief still kicks me hard enough to start the tears streaming down my cheeks and leave me just gasping for breath. 

 

Huge hugs to all you as well. Thank you all for being here for me and for each other and for always understanding.  It's truly and sincerely inspiring.   

[Heartspy]

Maybe it's the 3rd year when we no longer have "the fog" to keep us from seeing the brutal reality. I'm not sure, but I wish for all of us that it didn't have to be so blind-siding. It feels a little like year one- obsessing all day about getting home, so I can put on my pj's and go to bed- just to play a few hundred games of solitaire on my ipad. So pathetic. And I don't care!!  haha.  A nod to "rifatheroffour" for the statement: " The worst thing grief has stolen from me is hope and the ambition and drive I once knew so well." - true dat! 

Somehow knowing we all slide and slumber through April, together, does make it somewhat less lonely, I guess.

And we're back to Solidarity. xo

[JeanGenie]

I'm in the April 2013 club too - just had my three year on 4/5 and 4/6.  He died at around 2am, so 4/6 is his official death date although 4/5 - the anniversary of the last time I saw him before I left for work that morning - hit me much harder this year. 

 

I've done a lot of work rebuilding my life these past three years, but I feel I remain a fairly hollow version of the person that I was when he died.  Most days are fine, some of them are even really good.  But losing him still mutes the vibrancy of happiness I'm able to feel.

 

MrsT I can so relate to both of these things. Today/tomorrow I hit the official 3 year mark.  3 years ago today was the last time we were together.  I pushed his morphine pump since he was unable and I kissed him goodnight.  He died at 1:30am, so tomorrow is the official death date.

 

The sadness that envelopes me now is the life I lost.  The happiness I knew.  Like you, I've worked hard over the last 3 years to keep living, figure out this life of mine alone.  And I mourn the person I used to be.  This happy, go lucky person.  The one who always saw the glass half full.  I appreciated everyone and everything in my life.  This morning, it has dawned on me that I've become this over analyzer (which has been pointed out to me on occasion over the past couple years), but this morning I realize my overthinking may have caused me to lose someone close to me.  Someone I usually count on to help me get through something like the next few days and I've pushed them away.  Why can't I just be that happy person and appreciate what I have.  I will blame the grief beast because otherwise I have no one to blame but myself.

[Guest sphoc]

This year was tougher than I thought it would be, although the fog seems to be lifting a bit now that I'm past my birthday and the anniversary. It hit me a lot harder than I was expecting, but probably because I have so many family issues going on as well.

 

Days like today, I like to think of the words of Winston Churchill - "When you're going through hell, keep going!"  Love to all of you.

[JeanGenie]

Just checking in because I am now 2 days past the official sadiversary date.  It's the weekend so I'm trying to hang on until Monday thinking the return to the workweek will be good (yeah, right, but whatever...).  Thankfully the weather has been beautiful and I've been avoiding the grief beast, for the most part, by doing a lot of physical work outside.  My arms are sore this morning from raking, but it's a good soreness.  My mother stopped by on the sadiverary to bring me flowers that I'll be able to enjoy all summer. And my sister came to have dinner with me and we spent the evening catching up. It was the first time that I actually reached out to her and asked her to come keep me company.  I guess that's progress after three years, huh?

[Heartspy]

I was just thinking about you JeanGenie!  Family  and fresh air sound like food medicine!

Sending more hugs and fluffy pillows. xo