To cry or not to cry

[keeptrying]

At first I would try to run and hide. Go and pretend I had to do something in the basement, or go to the bathroom. Unfortunately with small children they follow me everywhere and I don't get a minute to myself. I didn't want

them to see me cry, because I didn't want them to feel bad for me, or feel bad  themselves. I break down, some times really bad. Places where I can't hide, like driving in the car. My 1 year old will run over and hold me, my 3 year old

says mommy,you are crying over daddy? it is okay, my other one says mommy, don't be sad over daddy you have us, I will take care of you.The other ones don't know what to do I see the look in their eyes, I know it makes them uncomfortable.

I feel so bad and guilty. I don't want my kids to see me this way, but I wonder if maybe it is good that they see me this way, because then they know how much I really love their dad.

[Guest TooSoon]

It is so hard.  Our experience with brain cancer was such that my daughter had seen so much by the time my husband died (she was 4 when he was diagnosed and 6 when he died); we decided not to try to protect her from it too much because we felt she might suffer more and be more confused and scared if things weren't out in the open.  I chose to keep doing that after he died.  I did fall apart.  I talked to her in those moments.  I wanted her to know it was ok to let it out.  I'm learning now (she is 8) that, while she remembers a lot, there are also a lot of things she does not remember, which is both a good thing and also bittersweet.  I committed to letting her be her and over time she has opened up about her fears and insecurities and pain.

 

In the end, do what feels right for you as a parent.  I found it impossible to hide or mask my pain.  Home is where we don't have to perform, at least that has been my governing principle.  In my experience over these past four years, there is no one right or wrong way, only the way through that is true to you.  Sending lots of empathy. 

[widowat33]

I struggled with this as well. I didn't want to be sad all the time around them, but I didn't want them to think I wasn't sad either.

Now when we talk about him it's mostly with laughter, and tears too.

My youngest would ask all the time if I was ok, especially if I was being quiet.

As a parent we can usually sense when something is wrong with our children, I feel children have the same intuition.

I don't think it's bad for kids to see their parents sad. In fact I think that if I pretend I am not it may make my kids feel like they shouldn't be sad either..and of course we should be, we lost a very important person. But I try to balance the sadness with the happiness, I make sure that they see me laughing and having fun too.

Try not to feel guilty about showing any emotions, I think kids need to see that it's ok to show whatever emotion you are feeling! This is how they learn to feel and cope with their emotions appropriately.

((Hugs))

[AaronP]

I used to cry in the shower, even before S passed away knowing what was about to happen to out family!

 

The kids need to see you cry, need to know that it's alright to cry and be upset.  Show them the happy times as well as the sad times, this normalizes their feelings.  They will have moments just as we do, if they don't see you upset or crying they may think that something is wrong with them.

 

My girls would comfort me as well when I broke down, just as I would comfort them when they needed me.  AS much as my daughters learned from me I learned probably twice as much from them.  They showed me that life went on, we needed to move forward and it was alright to be happy and enjoy life despite losing my wife and their mother!

 

Let them see you cry, let them see you be happy despite it all - all of this is part of life and hiding reality from them would be doing them a disservice IMO.  I learned!  I grew!  And in turn we all have.

[Ursula]

Children are sensors of our emotions. Our son picks it up every time I am down and he will be hovering aorund me and start to talk to me. When I cry he knows why. He just knows .And sometimes he says, don't cry Mama, it's ok. Of course that makes me cry even more. He is 3 years old - damn !!  I read him a bedtime story, that is so cute and innocent, it just ripped me apart, I had to stop reading for a bit. I don't think it hurts them to see us cry, maybe it will make them more empathic people? IT is just so bad that we have to cry and they have to suffer it and can't have the happy and energetic parents we could be...

[SoVerySad]

KT, I think it is inevitable that your littles are going to see you cry, because you must be able to express that grief. You don't have enough free time to try to keep it all inside until you get a free minute to let it out. It sounds like your children are responding in a compassionate manner vs seeming afraid, etc.. That's a testament to your parenting that they are able to show that compassion. I would thank them for their concern and let them know they should feel free to let you know when they are feeling sad as well. I think the key is that they also see you experiencing lighter, happier moments with them as well. As others have said, the balance is important. I think it makes us better parents overall to let out the sadness at times, especially when raising children solo is so stressful in itself.