life would be easier/brighter if...

[Mizpah]

Well, obviously if DH hadn't died.  But that's not what I'm getting at. 

 

I don't often wish myself to be different from what I am.  Gotta just embrace who you are and go with it, be genuine, don't self-hate, etc., etc.  But.  All these memes and cliches everywhere about positivity and "practicing gratitude"....  I'm not naturally a ray of freakin' sunshine!  I'm realistic.  I'm an overthinker.  I want things to be perfect all the time.  I'm sensitive.  I take things too seriously.  In the right circumstances, having my personality is awesome.  In others, it really works against me/happiness. 

 

Next week is five years.  I don't know if it has to do with how bad I've been feeling lately, but I'm sure it's at least partly "to blame."  (Half a decade?!  WTF?!  Let me tell you - when he left for work that Friday morning, his 5-year plan was NOT "be dead.")  I'm returning to therapy.  I think it's a good idea. 

[Heartspy]

Anything that makes a widow feel supported and stronger, is a good idea. Gentle hugs to you, as you navigate thru the emotional mess, of the upcoming 5 year death anniversary, of your husband. I feel like every month on the calendar is symbolic to something/somewhere my husband and I did or had been. I guess that makes for nice memories, but that doesn't float my happy balloon, just yet. I just cried thru the 3 year anniversary. Still in disbelief of how time marches forward, without him. How it bombarded me with every single detail and emotion (mostly fear!) of his final days/hours. This board was the only place I could come to rest & digest, without having to explain that my brain understands what happened - but, my heart just still can't believe it happened.  We all feel that way and something about that makes it less lonely. Sending you comfort and support.

[Guest TooSoon]

Andy's mom is dying and I can't be there.  It nearly kills me.  It also reminds me how important it is to reach out in these challenging times.  Reach to the one you love and reach out to us to find your footing.  oxox

[Needytoo]

Hugs to you Mizpah. I took the positivity  path and for me it did a world of good but there still those deep routed issues and so I am back doing the therapy route.  When I first started back into therapy I hated it. I just wanted to focus on going forward but the therapist kept bringing me back to that nasty part of my life.  I do find this time I am much more open to my issues, I guess self care does get easier with time.