Those with young kids-childhood amnesia

[Sugarbell]

So...my boys were 3 and 4 1/2 when they lost their Dad.

 

The first few years...both of them had memories...I only focused on the good stuff...but they had them. And we had pics..I took the kids places we went, told stories, etc.

 

My oldest son...being 4 1/2 had the most memories..and for several years remembered the good and even the bad. So I have been reading that from age 8-10.. Childhood amnesia happens. The brain can't remember everything from so far back as more memories are being stored. Basically most adults have very few memories before at 7...we may have a few select ones...but not like we do after age 8-10.

 

So I was talking to my oldest (whose now 13 ) on the long ride home about memories with his Dad. He doesn't remember the funeral or preschool or his Dad laying in bed reading to him for hours. He doesn't remember him coaching Tball team...this is basically all he remembers (and I used to think he was suppressing them..but he's not..so much has happened in his life that it makes sense he filtered most out)

 

1. He remembers his Dad had a Jack Johnson CD he played in the car with him. He doesn't remember seeing the Curious George movie with his Dad which is where the movie came from...but when he hears a song he says "Dad liked him we listened to him"

 

2. He remembers riding on a golf cart with his Dad on one particular hole.

 

3. When he smells me burning sage he says "Dad used to burn this in the garage didn't he?" I tell him yes...in reality his Dad smoked weed in the garage and the smells are similar.

 

4. He remember his Dad going to train day at his preschool.

 

That's it. My 3 (now 11 remembers nothing). my daughter of course doesn't cause she was a baby.

 

 

[Guest TooSoon]

I had a fascinating conversation with adp's 18 year old daughter this summer.  We'd been on vacation for a week and a half and I took her to Manhattan for the day.  At lunch I asked her what she remembered about her Mom, in the context of talking about M and what she might remember about her Dad.  The stories she told me were all so very sweet, mundane little events of togetherness like baking a cake.  I have to trust it will be the same for all of our children if the loss came when they were little.  She was 8 and mine was 6.  If I look back at my own childhood, the things I remember from very early are similar.  Many things I think I remember, I probably only remember because of photographs or the stories being told over and over again. 

[Guest Damiansinc]

I'm very curious about how this will go. My wife had a rare form of dementia. I had to place her in a nursing home when my son was only 3 when she went away to the nursing home. Her mind started to go before he was even born (no one knows for sure when, but it's easier for me to understand now looking back). They never built a bond. I was always caring for him pretty much since day 1.

 

He never brings her up. He's very matter of fact about not having a mom. I'm not sure if he has any memories. When she went away, he would occasionally remember some of the bad stuff she did (she was very childlike during our in home care phase.)

 

I had books created for him. One with pictures of her since she was a baby and another with her professional portfolio. All these are put away for when he wants to know more. Till then it's just the boys.

[TofinoMan]

My daughter was 4 years and 10 months old when her Mom passed.

That is nearly 3 months ago and she already doesn't talk about Jenny too much.

Kate was always a Daddy's girl.

But she really loved her Mother to.

So i have no idea what her memories will be over the next year, two years, five years.

She has caught me not thinking and pouring a coffee for Jenny in her favorite cup a couple of mornings, and says that I shouldn't because Mommy is not coming home to drink it. But she has not so far been to vocal about it.

I'm torn that she won't remember Jenny...at the same time as I hope it might spare her a lot of pain if she doesn't remember.

A crystal ball to tell the future would be nice.

Now I just pray my little girl grows up healthy and happy, and we take it one day at a time.

[Guest TooSoon]

TofinoMan, 

 

Everything you're feeling and thinking about is normal.  My daughter was 4 when her father got sick and 6 when he died.  Now she is nine and a half.  Memories fade but you will keep her alive with stories and photos and just by loving your daughter as she grows and changes and finding glimpses of your wife in her.  I find myself saying things to mine now like, "You sound like your Daddy when you say that." or "Your Daddy always loved that flavor of ice cream, too."  I know, small comfort at 3 months but you two are going to share an incredible bond - right now, it is all just too raw and too new even to think about that but I'm writing to you from 3 years down the line and I know it it to be true.  Sending you a ton of empathy and support.  People here will help you as they have and still do help me.

 

 

[Virgo]

My daughters were 14, 12, and 6 when their dad died. My youngest daughter was afraid she wouldn't remember her dad, so I bought her a journal.  In the beginning I would have her tell me memories or stories that she wanted me to write in her journal.  Eventually she started writing them down. Of course family members share stories too.

 

My paternal grandfather died at the age of 39, same age as my late husband. My dad was 5. My dad told my daughter that he still has very detailed memories of his dad.

[Guest Lost35]

Our son has no memories at all as his father died before he was born, as he mentioned to some random stranger in a matter-of-fact way today...

 

But he is so much like his Dad that it's odd to me that they never met.  They have the same heart.  They have the same mind.  They love words.  They build things.  They give their prized possessions away with ease and they even take their shirts off the same way. 

 

There is so much lost by children who are young enough to forget, but there is an enormous amount that is ingrained in their DNA.  The important memories exist even when there is no possible way for them to do so. 

 

It may not be conscious.  But it does exist.

 

-L.

[sbe21]

Im new to this... my husband passed away just 6 weeks ago...

We have a 3.5 year old son who adored his father and is basically his mini me. I can't help but cry reading how children of this age forget the memory of the one they loved so much. It is what I have always feared. Its hard to imagine because at this stage he misses him like crazy. He cries and gets angry because he isn't here. I know as he gets older, it will happen and he will forget...  I look forward to him not being as angry, but dread him not remembering the love they had for each other.

[Guest TooSoon]

When my husband died, I was traumatized and at a complete loss how I would ever be able to manage - it is what brought me to this community one late night when I was just wracked over parenting alone.  I hugged my child a lot.  I held her very close, read to her constantly, I spoke of her Dad and we poured over the pictures of happier times (long illness) but I also kept living - I realized I couldnt be two parents at once and eventually came to find my footing.  I made a point to make new memories.  Over time, she began to come into her own and we had our own adventures and developed a bond I at one time never thought would be possible as she and her Dad were two peas in a pod.  Her memories are hermetically sealed in her mind.  Other memories have faded, yes, and it is sad, but her father is still very much alive in her.  Now she is nine and a half and I see him so clearly in her.  Time has been my friend in this journey.  When you can, try to remind yourself that sometimes toddlers are just toddlers.  Sending you support.  It is all still so new for you.  I have learned, really and truly, that the kids are going to be alright.  You can't see that now just as I couldn't see it when I was where you are now. Please feel free to pm me if you want an ear.

[Sugarbell]

Im new to this... my husband passed away just 6 weeks ago...

We have a 3.5 year old son who adored his father and is basically his mini me. I can't help but cry reading how children of this age forget the memory of the one they loved so much. It is what I have always feared. Its hard to imagine because at this stage he misses him like crazy. He cries and gets angry because he isn't here. I know as he gets older, it will happen and he will forget...  I look forward to him not being as angry, but dread him not remembering the love they had for each other.

 

My middle child was 3 when his Dad died. He's almost 12 now...He honestly has no memories EXCEPT all the stories, photos, places we go that I tell him. He is also my child that is his fathers mini me. It's almost like his Dad is still here...looks, mannerisms, personality...it's amazing. His Dad also left the world on his birthday...it's still a little eerie to me.

But....he has a strong positive connection to his Dad. More than my oldest son (who was 4 1/2 and is now 13). He feels and connects to his Dad...through memories I and other family members have told him.

I

He was never angry (that was my oldest and it does subside in time).. but was sad. He still gets sad sometimes...but is an amazing well adjusted young man.

If someone would've told me 8 years ago my kids would have turned out as well as they have I wouldn't have believed them. Young kids are so resilent ...much more than adults. ❤️

[sdarrah1130]

My NG is also a widower.  His wife passed away when his girls  were 16, 14, 12 and 7 turning 8.  I know he fears that his youngest will not truly remember her mom.   

 

I am happy that the older girls keep the youngest filled with their memories, which I think she may live vicariously through them. (does that make sense?)