In all honesty, how much can one person take?

[Carey]

I'm about to snap. I have no idea what that even means or what will happen. All I know is it is NOT possible for me to stand up under all of this anymore. All the screaming and breaking dishes in the world cant fix all that's wrong. Some of this sh*t storm was set in motion before he died.  In three years between the two of us we lost three very good jobs.  That caused things to pile up, it's a long story but I owe the IRS, the NC Dept of Revenue,  the county tax department and a student loan. Amongst a plethora of other things. I was just handed my pay stub.  This has been a BAD week and we almost didn't eat were it not for the kindness of a stranger. Friday was supposed to bring relief to that.  But no.  Student loan had been garnishing my pay. I worked out a deal with them if I paid $5 a month for 5 months they would stop. This is month 6.  I've made hundreds of phone calls.  The $100 or so for that was deducted yet again.  Employer states they never received documentation from Dept of Education.  AND.  Weeks ago HR here got another notice, this time from the county tax office for $600. Taxes on my house I bought in Feb 2014 that I had been told were included at closing, and I never received a bill or any documentation. Was sent to the old owner. She said they were already garnishing me so they couldn't do it. They called her and said yes we can. But she didn't warn me , I didn't know they were going to and guess what. So there's been two garnishments and a hefty health insurance payment taken out. I make $10/hr so you can kinda guess whats left. checking acct is already negative before it even hits. Meanwhile 16 yo son skips school more than he goes. He is angry and getting in trouble he never has before. Smoking.  Doing weed. Drinking (which his dad died from).  The sheriff's dept has been at my house twice  6 days. Washer is broken, so is fridge. Can't keep food in it, when we have it. the house that my husband died for me to have and it's only a doublewide...there are holes in the walls from disrespectful teenagers, has plumbing issues.... and Sunday I spent 9 hours in the ER because of my heart condition that I can't keep under control because of copays and medicine costs so I never feel well physically. Which really just lowers your defenses when the rest of it all comes at you full force.  I listen to myself and I wonder why Im pouring all of this out. I know I sound whiny but I'm scared and I feel like a failure. I can't do this. I've been putting out fires and putting bandaids over big problems and I just cant anymore. There's not enough of me. My kids are ANGRY at the Lack. And they blame me. And don't hesitate to tell me so. They are 16 and 17 and just say it like it is. I'm a failure.  We went from a two story brick house with a full fridge and a freezer in the garage to a doublewide in the middle of nowhere with cows for company.  He left us with nothing.  He ruined us.  And as much as I tell myself and I DO believe alcoholism is a true illness like any other disease I can not seem to reign in the anger.  THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.  And there are many many single moms who pull it together just fine why can I not get it together for my kids? It's unraveling and I can't grab all the strings.  And I'm not saying I'd commit suicide because I don't believe I have the nerve. Id rather go to sleep and not wake up yes, but I don't have the courage to make it happen. But I'm losing the courage to face each new day of the shit storm either. Teachers and staff calling daily from the school.  Well from both of them. Not being able to do my daughter's senior year stuff -- which only happens once. I've just failed. Epically. And I don't know why I'm pouring this here but I just feel like I need a connection to people that can understand maybe part of it, to make me feel still human and not just a shell of nothing  :'(

[Guest littlebirdie]

It's good to get it out. That's what were here for. This whole thing sucks. It's hard and complicated and sometimes it feels like the bottom just keeps falling out and the bad stuff will never end. All of the financial stress is overwhelming, I know, and to have grieving, angry children on top of it all is so tough. It hurts to see them hurting and not be able to do anything to make it better or easier for them.

 

You'd think that life would cut us a break given what we've already been through, but somehow that doesn't happen. You're not a failure. You're doing the best you can with the crappy hand you've been dealt, and that's all any of us can do. We didn't ask for any of this, and I don't think people understand how desperate it feels sometimes. 

 

[LostMyCharles]

I wish I lived nearby so I could help you with some of your worries. I have a refrigerator in my garage that isn't really being used and I would give it to you in a heartbeat, but I live in California.  :-\

 

All I can do is say, I hear your calls for help, I hear your anger, frustration, desperation and fear. And we all will always be hear to listen and give virtual hugs. All these words seem so inadequate, I wish I could actually do something to help.

 

Jessica

[Captains wife]

Honestly, that is ALOT. Im sorry. And it is frustating when we cant seem to get a break, any break. Venting here is good for you as no one else outside this forum will really understand - and the financial pressures of being a single parent are brutal. You havent failed - you are just having a rough time, understandably. Maybe you can try and tackle one thing at a time, breathe, move onto the next. Can you get any more financial assistance as a widow - ie. I think you can apply for reduced property taxes for example ? Look on Craigs List for a free appliances - I know I have given away appliances in the past that way. I think you mentioned you tried this but try again to negotiate with your creditors so you can pay a little but still afford what you need for you and your kids. I dont know what state you are in but can you somehow get help with your healthcare costs via Medicaid? Please take care,

[Guest Munsen]

Wow, it does seem to some of us (many?) that while we are down on the ground, curled in a fetal position, just trying to survive the loss of our spouse, the world comes alongside and starts boot-kicking us. Sometimes, it doesn't even have to be a big thing to make us feel overwhelmed in this new life.

 

In your case, though, that is an overwhelming list of problems but I'm glad that you shared it. As LittleBirdie says it is good to vent. And, who knows, perhaps someone reading will be able to help.

 

I really wish I had some suggestions or lived nearby so I could help. I think that Captain's Wife has made some good suggestions. All I can offer you is my prayers and hope that you will see some way out of this mound of troubles. Please keep us posted.

 

(((Hugs)))

[anniegirl]

One person can take a lot of disappointment, heartache and trouble b/c you are and are still on your feet, which makes you pretty amazing even if you don't think so and it doesn't feel like it.

 

Nothing that's happening is your fault. It's just fall-out and there's a lot and it's going to take time to straighten out.

 

I have a friend in NC. Her husband buggered off leaving her with two kids, debt and she's having trouble staying unemployed b/c of the bad economy. So, it's not you. Things are tough, and tougher when you're a single parent and everything is on you and no one is inclined to cut you a break or help you straighten out messes you didn't create.

 

16 and 17 is hard enough when things are okay and nightmares when they are not. Teen don't think too far into the future and seldom beyond how it impacts them when life is not what they'd hoped it would be. If you haven't been (and are up to it) honest about the situation with the school, consider it. Often teachers don't really know what's going on. It might surprise you what they can offer in terms of assistance - especially with the senior year stuff.

 

Please don't feel like a failure. You aren't. You've been dealt a sucky hand. It's not your fault. It's not fair. It's okay to acknowledge that and rant about it.

 

I wish I had more than words for you. (((hugs)))

[Carey]

words are good Annie ... Im clinging to them today

[anniegirl]

Somedays clinging is progress.

[Jen]

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

 

Being a single parent sucks donkeys. Doing it as a wid SUCKS S-- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We didn't ask for this, and we certainly would not have chosen it.

 

I wish I had the perfect words that would make it all better. More than anything, I wish I had a functional magic wand that I could wave and solve all our problems-- I'd do it in a heartbeat. As it is, all I can do is say I'm here, I'll listen to all the ranting you can throw out, and encourage you to rant some more. IT'S NOT FAIR. There is nothing fair at all about your situation, and no, it should NOT be that way. I am so, so sorry. I've been almost as financially devastated, and the only thing I hung onto was "they can take it all, but they can't kill me." Sometimes that was a disappointment. :-\

 

Please hold on. Today is one day-- this week is one week-- this month, this year, they're just for now. One breath at a time. You can do it. You're not alone.

[Carey]

I've spent the day on the phone. I keep getting transferred and put on hold.  Well intentioned people mention applying for assistance.  See that's the thing. All of those places look at Gross income. Not that my paycheck is being garnished by two entities and the other two are set up for automatic drafts. Or that $600 of my SS per month got taken from me to go to his daughter in Utah (he never met her, only found out she existed when she was 13. She quit school for over 2 years to have a baby, and is 18. Purposely restarted high school to continue getting benefits) AND .... they are taking back from me what they "overpaid" me.  At lunch I sat in my car and just sobbed and then came in and redid makeup and sat back at my desk but I'm on the board more than I'm working. I can't make myself engage.  I just feel spent.  I've done the "be strong" thing and pushed and pushed and borrowed from Peter to pay Paul or begged this teacher or that teacher to give this or that kid another chance or begged the kids, please deal with sandwiches till Friday and then we can do something different, but I'm out of begging  and I wish I was out of crying.

[lcoxwell]

Honestly, I wish that, somehow, there was something I could say or do to make things better for you, right now.  As others have said, it truly is not fair, and I am so sorry you are having to go through this.  Nothing about this is easy or makes any sense at all.

 

One thing you might be able to do is talk to your daughter's school about some of the senior year things.  I know where I work, there are "scholarships" to help pay for some things, such as school trips.  I know that won't help with ordering things like senior pictures or class rings, but maybe, you can get a little help with paying for the cap and gown, for example.  Not every school does this, but it wouldn't hurt to try.

 

While I may not have answers or better words of advice, encouragement, or wisdom, I do want you to know, you are not alone.  Without going into details, I can tell you that I know what it is like to struggle financially, to not have enough money to pay bills, and to have to worry about not having money for groceries or to feed my family.  I know it is hard to keep going, but we do, because we have no other choice.  Hang in there. 

[Mr C]

(((Carey))) Your post shows me that you have not failed. Life has been beyond unfair. Yet you have continued to try for yourself and your kids. Take things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself.

 

[Guest Kamcho]

.

[Jen]

I have a M.S. degree and 1/3 of my class is either unemployed or unemployed in the field. It's ridiculous out there. My life definitely has not turned out the way I had hoped. In some ways I think higher education has become a scam.

 

I completely agree. I owe the equivalent of a decent-sized starter home for three degrees I don't use-- I was never able to find adequate employment in my field.(Hence the joke: What does a PhD in paleoprimatology say? "Do you want that latte tall, grande, or venti?") I went back and got an associate's degree in nursing-- that's what I've made a living doing for the past 10 years. Now I'm being compelled to go back and complete another !&*$%! bachelor's degree to remain competitive in this field, and I frankly resent it. At least I can't acquire any more student loans-- I'm maxed out, sigh.

 

Sorry to hijack; that struck a nerve. ((((HUGS))))

[SimiRed]

I don't think I can say anything better than what anyone else here has said.  It's good to vent, I'm glad you did.

 

Can you look on FB to see if there is a "Pay if Forward" site?  In the search box type "Pay it Forward North Carolina" ( I use to live there), and join that site.  There are people who put refrigerators, washers, dryers, clothes, small appliances, sneakers, etc. on that list.  (Everything is FREE) You could even post for a "handyman" to help with the plumbing issues.

 

Yes, IT SUCKS!! It's so not fair!  Hormonal teenagers can be angry, moody, miserable and they all say what fist comes to mind.  Don't take it personally,  I have a 14 year old that screams at me sometimes and I feel guilty and like I've failed him in so many ways.  I know one day when he is older (I've heard they don't get "normal" until 21-25) he will look back and understand that I did the best I could with the circumstances that were given to us.

 

Like @Just Jen said "Please hold on. Today is one day-- this week is one week-- this month, this year, they're just for now. One breath at a time. You can do it. You're not alone.."

[Carey]

Well for those of you keeping track, I won one and lost one this morning.  Son claimed he missed the bus again this morning. I said, get in the car kid.  I get "but mom you'll be late". I don't care. Get in the car.  "but mom you'll run out of gas". I don't care. Get in the car.  So even though I screwed myself in the process, at least today, he's at school. My gas light is on and I doubt I make it home but still a victory.  I really thought he was counting on me giving in and telling him to stay home.  I'm trying SO hard not to wallow. My daddy used to say how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. It's just lately, while I'm working on the first bite the elephant puts on a few more pounds.  I'm tired of feeling resentful. Thank you all so much for being here. it means so much.

[MrsDan]

Not sure exactly where you are in NC but I googled food pantries in NC and came up with a few hits:

 

http://www.foodpantries.org/st/north_carolina

 

http://www.foodbankcenc.org/site/PageServer?pagename=FBCENCHome

 

I don't think they're as stringent as government agencies when it comes to qualifying. The way public assistance is set up is total bullshit. I'm also wondering if there are any medical trials you could find that would help with your medications. I offer these suggestions with the understanding of how hard it is to follow through on suggestions when you are grieving. Finding the motivation to do things even things you have to do or know might help is so hard. Your kids' lack of appreciation when you are trying so hard must be tough too. Do they have jobs? Maybe they should get them and contribute to the food budget if they are so unhappy with the fare. Or give  them the money and tell them to go to the store and figure out how to stretch it for the week. I'm not a big proponent of tough love and that is not what I am suggesting but it sounds like they could really use some perspective.

 

I have not had the financial trials you are facing but there are a lot of similarities between the circumstances of our husbands' death so I get that piece of it. We were all under stress, but their way of coping launched the two of us into a pain and turmoil that they couldn't have conceived. They couldn't cope, because of their disease, but somehow we have to cope with something far worse. When I am dealing with logistical challenges or DD is being difficult, those are the times when I am most angry at him. There was one time my family room flooded and I was out in the pouring rain digging a trench trying to divert the water away from the house. I was saying, "I hope you're happy, I hope it was worth it."

[Carey]

 

I have not had the financial trials you are facing but there are a lot of similarities between the circumstances of our husbands' death so I get that piece of it. We were all under stress, but their way of coping launched the two of us into a pain and turmoil that they couldn't have conceived. They couldn't cope, because of their disease, but somehow we have to cope with something far worse.

 

Every time I see your name I remember your stories from the other board and the similarities. I definitely feel a kinship there, I know you understand.  You understand how love and hate can coexist so painfully. Thank you for the encouragement.  I too often tell him  I hope he's happy.  In that most sarcastic of ways

[Jen]

More hugs... I'm proud of you for standing your ground with your son. I'm right alongside you, trying to choke that damned elephant down.

 

Lol. That just reminded me of something I haven't thought of in years: http://shelsilverstein.yolasite.com/melinda-mae.php