Exhausted!!!

[iloveyoualways]

Hello all. I've been reading but haven't had the energy to respond.  It's been five years plus as a solo parent. I rarely have childcare outside of work, school, or studying. I've been doing it since he was two. I think that I just hit a wall. I'm just exhausted. All. The. Time.

 

We've gone through so many loses during the last five years. So many. I didn't want to continue to live, for a long time. It has been the worse time in my life. Yet, I'm still here and just graduated with my second degree.

 

I thought that this degree would signify the end of our struggles, just as I thought that one year after his death my grief would end. I wanted so badly to be proud of myself for this accomplishment. I even won an award to help me pay my tuition and was in the local newspaper. But the happiness was short lived. My mind thought "what's next?" Meaning what negative thing would happen to overshadow the accomplishment.

 

Not long after my car's electrical system started acting up. And the Govt sent me a bill for my first student loan, which was exempt from a bankruptcy. I was right after all.

 

I haven't applied for one new job yet. I've been working some six day weeks to stay afloat. Too tired on day seven to look for a better job. The more I work the more pain I have. The childcare to get a better job is unaffordable but I need it to get that better job to pay for childcare. I make too much for a subsidy but not enough to pay for it.

 

I may send my child to the in laws for the summer. But right now even knowing that is a possibility and something to look foward to is not enough to motivate me. I'm just looking for some encouragement.

[Trying]

Solo parenting, school, work, and financial worries.  Each of those alone is exhausting and you are juggling all of it. 

 

First of all, congratulations on completing your degree!  I understand how it's hard to celebrate these accomplishments because the daily grind just continues on but it is a really big deal.  It's difficult to see the amazing things you have done when you are living in the thick of it but one day you will look back with pride.

 

Sending your son to the grandparents this summer sounds like a great idea and may give you a little breathing room to focus on what comes next for you.  You have done so much already and when you are ready you will find that new job.  Maybe you can start with putting your resume on some job search websites and sign up for job alerts until you ready to start looking with mor earnest. 

[Mrskro]

iloveyoualways;

 

First let me just say how much I admire you going back to school, I have so much respect for all of you that have managed that.  Congrats on such a huge accomplishment.

 

I completely understand that exhausted feeling.  Solo parenting is hard. 

 

As for sending your son to the in-laws....even before my DH passed, my kids (at the time 6 &4) spent 3 weeks every summer split between my parents and my in laws.  The kids loved it, the grandparents loved it.  I think everyone needs a bit of time away from each other. 

 

You have accomplished so much!  Hugs

[Guest April]

That is so awesome that you went back to school.. Congratulations on all your hard work! I hope to once my youngest starts going to school.

 

Try not to let bad times get to you so much.. and I know that's easier said then done..

 

After my husband died there seemed to have been a never ending dark rain cloud over my head... he passed (which was the most traumatic event I ever went through).. then the VA withdrew all the money out of our account (because he didn't live the whole month.. their exact words.. "sorry for your loss.. but we have to retract Aprils payment because he didn't live the whole month of April").. not even 3 weeks after I buried my husband my basement flooded and I had to go to my moms and get the wet vac.. we pull up in front of the house.. a half a second after my son got out of the car a drunk driver whipped around the corner and smashed into my car smashing the front end.. he got out and pissed himself on my sidewalk.. at this point I was like.. "WTF!!!  UNCLE!!!".. then someone graffitied the word "Penis" on my brick garage.. and at this point I laughed.. like a lunatic.. because it was so much all at once it was like a prank show.. I was positive it was my husband doing it all.. that he was pissed at me.. and I said.. "nope.. you're not going to break me!!"  Eventually everything worked out.. I couldn't stop thinking how if the drunk driver was a split second sooner or my son got out of the car a 1/2 a second later he would have been pinned up between the cars and he would have been gone too.. It was so close.. I never thanked god for a 1/2 a second more then I thanked him for that one.

 

It was the same thing for my oldest son.. just one thing after another and like you he thought.. "I can't wait for this year to be over".. thinking that everything was going to better after that 1st year anniversary was over.. but nope.. the hits keep coming for him.. a set back to his goals of joining the military after high school.. I told him.. you either let this destroy you or you ram through it.. it's a set back not a nail in your coffin.. get up!!  get your helmet on and lets ram through this!

 

I know I can be obnoxiously optimistic.. If I have offended you or annoyed you.. I'm sorry.. I never considered myself an optimist.. I consider myself a realist.. optimists crash when the great things they expect to happen with all their hard work and patience falls through.. If you expect bad times.. you appreciate the good times more.. enjoy and relax through the good times and when crap happens you put on your shit kicking boots and get to work.

 

I'm sorry about your daycare situation.. I wish I could help you.. I watch my neighbors kids for whatever they can pay me.. and if it's nothing.. that's ok.. I've been in that boat and it's not fair that we have to work so hard to just pay child care.

 

I really hope things start looking up for you.. sounds like you are doing so great!!!  and it also sounds like you need a day at the spa!!

[SoVerySad]

Well, your thread title had me nodding my head before I even opened it. I, too, want to congratulate you on finishing your degree. That is a big accomplishment for anyone, but as a solo parent still grieving, it truly is impressive. My ability to concentrate just to work with my son on his homeschooling has been awful. Would your field of employment you are seeking have any employers that have childcare onsite as a benefit? If so, perhaps you could try to get a job there?

 

I think having your child spend some time with your in-laws could help you and him both. He'll probably enjoy being with them and they'll enjoy it as well. You can get a little more rest, which it seems like you are in desperate need of with working, studying, and being a solo parent. With a little more rest, you may feel more ready to get your applications out there.

 

Regarding the childcare subsidy, would dropping back to working 5 days allow you to qualify? I know it may seem counterintuitive when you need money, but I'm wondering if the ability to qualify for the subsidy would offset the loss of the extra work day pay? That might at least get you headed to where you can find the job you hope to get since completing your degree.

 

Just a few suggestions. I recently started counseling. My counselor told me it is no wonder I have been so exhausted and depressed given all that has happened to me since my husband died. It felt so good to have her say that - to have someone acknowledge how much effort I've expended. I also am in that same place of worrying about what/when the next negative thing will happen as it seems I've been stuck in that pattern. She asked me what good the worrying had done? She was right. It didn't stop anything from happening, just consumed precious energy. I should have already learned that lesson in that I worried for years my husband would die and he did. The worrying didn't help prevent it, but it did rob me of time I could have spent enjoying my life then more. I'm trying to remind myself of that, but it will take a while for me to break that behavior.

 

You really have laid the groundwork for things to get better it seems. Hopefully that will happen for you soon. Sending you encouragement and tight hugs...

[iloveyoualways]

Thanks to all of the solo parents who took the time to respond. It's much appreciated. I know that I'm not alone and try my best not to complain but I feel like I've tried enough lately.

 

SoVerySad, I used to be a clinically anxious person. I worried about everything. When my healthy husband died tragically I realized that all of the worrying couldn't have prevented it. My intuition knew how he would die almost three years before. I'm less anxious as we've been through hell and kept going. But it's like a neverending hike where the summit remains out of view. And it's rainy and muddy.

 

Cutting my hours would make it impossible to pay rent. The childcare subdidy would only pay thirty percent of care. It seems impossible to get ahead.

 

April, I'm sorry for all that you have gone through. That is how it has felt. One thing after another. Non stop.

 

MrsKro, the in laws live on another continent. Far away. But at this point if I don't get help I'll have a nervous breakdown.

 

Trying, that's what I'm hoping. To have that time to gather myself and get more energy and motivation to keep going.

 

To all those solo parents: let's support each other to keep going even if this sucks.

[MrsDan]

 

 

But it's like a neverending hike where the summit remains out of view. And it's rainy and muddy.

 

 

 

 

BF and I were discussing all the difficulties we've both been facing and he said, "it would be really nice at some point to be able to get out of the foxhole." That really said it perfectly to me.