Existential crisis?

[Guest TooSoon]

So this screed has been a long time in coming.  Part of it should be in the parenting section but it is primarily about the changes that are about to happen that definitely belong here. 

 

Most of you know my history so I will keep this part brief:  I met my partner on the old iteration of this board in the fall of 2013.  It took us a long time to "get together" and now two plus years to put our pieces in place.  In the meantime, we've built a really solid foundation for our future and our children's futures and have become a family and we are very much in love.  We have a fab summer planned and in September adp will move here for his sabbatical and live with us and we'll have a year to work out together our plan for the future.  It has been a long time coming. 

 

But I have some lingering confusion and I need to sort it out.  My house is nearly ready for them.  I've gone through the boxes and bins and sorted that.  I'm pretty sure I have a car arranged for him so he can commute to a residency at a local college during his sabbatical next year.  Apart from getting furniture, I've readied what was our playroom for his daughter.  OK, I haven't done all of the paperwork stuff that needs doing in my life but working for the state, paperwork is a constant in my life and I know it gets done one way or another at some point. 

 

A lot has happened in the past few months including Andy's Mom's death and my getting rejected for promotion and other stuff.  I've felt pretty worn down for a while.  On Wed. I sent in our paperwork for the "alien fiance visa" form.  It arrived at the processing center at noon yesterday.  12 hours before the UK Brexit.  Sending in that application meant reliving my life for the past 20 years in some ways and also facing putting it to rest, writing narratives and thinking about things I'd rather forget.  I was down near Philadelphia where my daughter is having another fucking battery of tests to try to document the learning challenges she clearly has and that is stressful in itself.  Some man reacted to a political bumper sticker on my car, pulled up next to me in the Staples parking lot where I was sitting with my windows open taking care of something for work and shouted expletives at me and told me I should move to Russia or Iran.  It super-shook me but I was glad Marina wasn't in the car with me.  Anyway, she's also on this swim team.  It is super-intense and a very complicated dynamic to explain.  Let's just say,she loves it but it is not my scene.  Her little team competes against these hyper-competitive teams and she's getting older and more aware now and the win/lose thing is getting harder to explain.  It is also at my parents' country club - not my cup of tea - but it is free and she likes it so I go along but I find it all very stressful.  Last night she realized the "races" she is in are just exhibitions and was crestfallen.  The coach won't put her in a real race.  I melted down at the end of the meet after spending 3.5 hours timing other kids in actual races with crazy intense parent only then to deal with my own child's exhaustion and meltdown at 9 pm.  And finally, we organized a playdate with a girl from her class for last Friday.  On Thursday evening, in the midst of planning the details, the child (who has her own phone) did a 180 and said she had to go out of town.  I didn't quite get it but let it go.  On Monday I let Marina text this kid and (I monitor what's being sent) she just said "Hi" and when the kid didn't respond, Marina said, "I am sorry if I did something wrong."  And - OH MY GOD my blood is still boiling - the child wrote in capital letters "I HAD A PLAYDATE WITH KAYLA ON FRIDAY AND NOT YOU." Followed by a devil-faced emotji.  What the hell!?  Thank god I intercepted that and could managed it on my terms.  I told the child she could not speak with my daughter until I spoke with her mother (the child never gave me her mother's number and the mother never called).  But it and the swim team situation started me down the road of realization that my little girl is going to grow up soon and fast. 

 

Sorry, I feel like I'm just ranting and raving but I'm a little bewildered by all of this.  My cats keep killing small animals, dismembering them and bringing bits and pieces on to my porch to greet me every morning.  I am terrified about being chair of my department in the fall and I'm being sacked with chair duties now when I'm not getting paid for it and have no clue what I am doing and mostly I just want to quit.  My Union is threatening a strike with more urgency than I've ever seen before.  I just got a bill from Social Security telling me I owe them more than 4500$ in overpayments from 2103 (!?) but I can't get them on the phone. I've thrown so much stuff away that my house is practically empty and I feel like I threw my memories out with the bathwater. 

 

I'm just really sensitive at the moment and trying to figure it out. 

 

And so what is this post about?  I have tried to be so careful and cautious and always calculating.  I still am but we're finally doing this and it is so exciting that we've made it happen on our terms.  I just need a safe place to say that I think I am scared.  Of what, I have no clue.  I keep trying to articulate it to adp but the closest I can get is that I'm going to trust someone else again.  I mean like trust with my whole life.  For five and a half years, it has just been me - making all the decisions and choices, making things happen, keeping us going.  None of this is rational - Andy and I work together -we always have in such an easy, symbiotic way even if our logistics have been trying.  It isnt that.  It is moving beyond the trauma for me, I guess.  Believing in something again and believing it isn't going to be taken away from me.  Believing the other shoe isn't going to drop because that's all I know. 

 

And I don't want to be an island anymore but I've been like one for a long, long time and it is a little scary to let that go.  Exciting and just so right but a little scary.  This post likely makes almost no sense.  I just had to get it out and hopefully get some feedback and perspective (please don't tell me what is wrong with me, thanks) so I can more effectively process it. 

[MrsDan]

It reads to me like emotional exhaustion. You've been through a lot of things that require emotional backflips to get through, so of course it's natural to be worn out. I think when we're overloaded emotionally, it makes us more prone to anxiety. Especially about change. Even positive change.

 

There are positive and negative emotions, but just experiencing a flood of emotions can be overwhelming, whether they're good or bad. I found myself feeling emotionally overwhelmed as I was falling in love with my boyfriend. It was very, very good, but I still felt overwhelmed having such strong emotions (even positive) for two men at the same time. It's subsided, but there is still anxiety about what the future holds.

 

You seem to be dealing with things on multiple fronts in which the stakes are very high: professionally, as a mother, and romantically. It's just a lot.

 

Holy balls what is wrong with that kid?! That is something that would absolutely break my heart, if my kid did something like that to another person. Shave your head, fail a class, but do not be cruel to another person. There is so much drama with little girls, I'm starting to see some of it already and is so hard to navigate.

[Trying]

Parenting stress, professional stress, big personal changes, grief triggers.  I would say you've got a full plate of emotional turmoil right now.  Putting faith and hope in the future is very scary and something I am struggling with.  I had dreams once, thought my entire future was planned out perfectly, but I didn't know know then what I know now.  What I try to tell myself is that if I had known that Tim would die young, I still would have married him and had our kids.  The only thing I might have done differently is cherished our time together more.  That is my lesson for my present relationship, to try not to sweat the small stuff, to be present in the moment, to always be sure he knows how much I appreciate him and cherish our time together.  That being said, I don't always live up to it and I let the craziness sneak in.  Stress, fear,  lack of self confidence and stubbornness still get the better of me at times. 

 

I think when you and adp are together things will balance out.  Of course there will be some adjustments to work through but at least you will be facing challanges together, not just emotionally together but physically together in the same place.  The most wonderful thing at the end of a stressful day is pillow talk in the arms of the one you love.  I miss that.

[Taurus]

I would set your cat on to the rude little girl :-)

[RobFTC]

Hey TooSoon,

 

Hugs!  Even good changes this big can be overwhelming and scary, especially since you are casting your fate upon the winds to some degree.  And you have the usual crop of life junk going on at the same time as well.  I hope you can find some peace about it all soon.  But maybe you can cuss out Marina's former friend and devil-girl before you get too calm again! :-)

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Guest TooSoon]

Thank you, all of you who read and who commented - I had to get it out.  I have no doubt we're on our right path and I should know that complex emotions will be part of it, especially as it gets closer and we'll weather that, too, as we have these past two and a half years.  Getting close brings a lot of things to the fore and then there is the  timing an, as Rob said, life's regular stuff, and the (WTF?) Brexit adds to it and what that could mean for us.  Thank you for standing by us. Thank you. 

 

PS - WTF with the playdate?  I may never get resolution on that one but G-sus. 

[Sugarbell]

That kid is a bitch.

 

This is my weakness as a parent....another kid being cruel to my kid...you are so much classier than me. My inner redneck would've instinctively wanted to rip her a new one. And like an unstable teenager probably would've via text and gotten myself in Trouble...or been passive aggressive and planted seeds for that kids demise. 👹👹

 

My boys I have put up with mean kids...and we subtlety deal with it. My timid daughter I am really scared (especially since we have moved to new place) might go Apeshit.

 

Total character flaw on my part. You've got a lot going on...give yourself some credit...you didn't totally lose your shit on the kid like you WV redneck widda friend.

 

Want me to go egg her house?? Lol 😤😤😤

[SimiRed]

{{{Hugs}}}

 

You have so much going on and the emotional stress and anxiety is just overwhelming at times. 

 

I have no clue what is wrong with children nowadays, sending that hurtful text is just down right nasty!  It would have taken everything within me to not respond!  It hurts and ticks us off when someone is nasty to our children!

 

Hang in there, by this Fall, hopefully some of the stress will be less and you will be feeling much better! 

 

I'll help Sugarbell egg the kids house!  With pleasure!