Funk

[MrsDan]

The last few weeks I've been a major funk. Things are okay in some ways, but that makes me anxious because I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

Thursday is my wedding anniversary. It would be nine years. Instead we just made it past five. This anniversary is the main source of my funk I think. I've been focusing on my present relationship, which I am very happy with. I wish I could put it on, like a new coat, and shed all the grief and pain of the old. But I can't. I miss Dan. I'm still blown away the fact that he's gone. I'm trying to reconcile these feelings I have for someone else. And there is uncertainty there, being that it's still a new relationship. I miss the security that I had with Dan. I miss knowing we were partners. Even though there many times when I felt very much alone. I've tried to remember how much he hurt me, to focus on the bad times. But the problem is, they weren't all bad. Most of it was very, very good, stolen by addiction, but good. I miss that man. I miss that us. I don't want to but I do. Especially this week. 

 

In the past week I've had some difficult dreams. Twice I've had a dream that Dan came back but I didn't know what to do because of my boyfriend. Last night was the worse of the two. He came back fully expecting to be with his wife, acting like nothing had happened. I knew I had to tell him about N. I decided to see how things were between  us. But I realized in my dreams that things were better with N, not that I didn't love Dan, but I determined in my dream that N was better for me. I tried to imagine being okay with Dan moving on from me, but I couldn't. I knew I had to tell I'm but it killed me to think of hurting him that way, when he was so oblivious.

 

I know that I'm not doing anything wrong. I also know that if our roles were reversed he would have found someone. But I feel like right now I am mourning, not just the end of him, but the end of us. Which ended of course when he did right?  But maybe because it's of the anniversary, but it feels like that us is so far away.

 

It's not helping that N, DD, and I are all sick. N is busy all week so I probably won't see him until next week. Which makes me more anxious about the relationship. Which I'm tired of. I'm tired of all the anxiety, guilt, sadness, and uncertainty.

[Trying]

It is all so much to try to wrap your head around some days.  In my day to day life I feel I can mostly separate my love for DH and missing him and our life from the love I have for my boyfriend and my hopes for our future.  But in my dreams, it gets cloudy and confused like you described.  DH coming back, me not wanting to choose or sometimes a dream when I'm not sure which one I'm with because I can't see him clearly.  A total mind f***!

 

I would say that you need to honor your anniversary and the feelings it brings up in whatever way feels right to you so when it passes you get back to focusing on what is here and now. 

 

In the mean time, gentle hugs to you

[Ruth]

I can see why that messes with your head in some ways. I don't have someone new in my life atm, but I can imagine the question 'who would I pick if M came back' would really mess with my head. Even though, obviously, it's an irrelevant question in the end...

 

I agree with Trying that you can spend this anni any way you want.

 

About your question if the 'us stopped when he died', I'm not sure tbh. In a way, yes, but looking at myself, part of it hasn't died yet. I still wonder what he would like, I'm still considering his 'opinion' of a sort when making decisions. I think 'us' would really die once I would make decisions completely for me or for me and another spouse instead of involving him in it in any way. In a way that might never completely die as long as I live, especially when it comes it annies. Just my thoughts...

 

Take gentle care these days and offering some hugs,

Ruth

[daysofelijah]

I had that dream where dh came back and I had to choose between him and NG too. And of course I had to choose dh, but I didn't want to. Terrible dream.

 

I hope things get better for you as you make it through this hard week.

[Guest TooSoon]

Just sending love and support.  It is a complex negotiation, all of this past vs present and past made sense in present.  I'm there, too.  No dreams but lots of wild thoughts running through my head.  My 10th anniversary would have been this month.  Weird. 

 

While the "us" died with Scott, it has helped me to remind myself that I would not be the person I am today were it not for the years we spent together and all that I learned during our relationship and marriage. 

 

xoxo

[MrsDan]

Thanks. I guess this post belongs in BAG but I just can't bring myself to start a thread there. I don't know why, I guess it's kind of silly.

 

The first anniversary after Dan died I made a video from our wedding over our song and I've posted it every anniversary since. I asked N if it would bother him if I did that this year. He said, no. I asked if he was sure, and he said, "I don't want to get in the way of anything that provides you healing." I responded that he provides healing for me. So he said, "I don't want to step on anyone's toes." I responded that I didn't want to step on his toes. I suspect that he's trying to be magnanimous about it, but that it might bother him, if only a bit. I know that a lot of widows think that partners of widows being bothered by mention or feelings the widow has for their late spouse is unfair, a bad thing. It's branded as insecurity a lot. I don't agree. I feel like it must be a tremendously difficult situation. I've been someone's one and only, and I could understand wanting that. N told me the other night that he rather I have "too much love" than not have enough. I was talking about being so full of emotion over two people, and asking if the fact that I still have feelings for my husband bothered him. Still, he's human. I can't imagine it's easy.

I know it's a silly thing, but it's funny the significance small things take on in widowhood. I simply find it interesting that in order to move forward in my current relationship, I need to honor my old one differently than I have in the past. And it's self-directed; I feel no pressure from him.