BIL being a DGI with MIL

[MrsDan]

How's that for anagrams! This is a tad long, so bear with me.

 

Many of you know that a year ago I moved to a new state with DD, not far from my BIL and his family. We stayed with them for about five months and they were tremendously supportive and helpful. Since we moved I've felt like they're sort of "over" helping me, which I kind of get, I mean they did step up a lot. They also offered a lot of emotional support in my grief.

 

My FIL died last month. Although he was terminally ill, it happened quite suddenly. It very quickly became obvious to me that BIL really has no idea what my MIL is going through, how very different losing him is for her than it is for the rest of us. And really, the only one who really can get it is me. I remember at the funeral home when they closed the casket. She shuddered and cried "Oh god" and I knew exactly what she was feeling, I mean I felt it. I've felt it so many times, and I knew even at that moment I was the only one in the room who shared that experience with her. So I get that he and his wife won't be able to be as empathetic as I can be.

 

But they have behaved like absolute idiots with her since and I am really getting fed up. I had to leave the day after the funeral. I called a day or two later, and Dan's sister answered the phone. She mentioned that she and MIL were babysitting BILs two boys, and let me tell you, they (especially the youngest) are a  HANDFUL. Now, Dan's sister is pregnant and has already had one miscarriage. MIL is 70 and has a history of cardiac issues. I said, "Why are the brand new elderly WIDOW and the pregnant lady watching their kids?!" I called a few days later and Dan's sister had gone back home, across the country. Mil was babysitting AGAIN. At this point she has been widowed maybe two weeks.

 

When I talked to Dan's sister last night, she mentioned BIL and wife were talking a trip and leaving the boys with MIL for three whole days! I lost it. I told her that's not okay. SIL agreed, and she said MIL did object. Now if MIL's saying it's too much, it's waaaay too much. I just got a text from MIL, and it looks like they worked something else out until the weekend, when Dan's sister is flying in and can help. But still, WTF BIL?! She just lost her husband! Who was also her partner in grief over their child. I think BIL thinks his kids are a comfort to her, and maybe they are when it comes to visiting, but caring for them is a whole different thing. My DD is a little different. I know she is a comfort to her, but I still am careful not to let her take on too much when DD visits her, or when MIL comes here. And my DD is a very easy kid, and provides the added comfort to my MIL of being a connection to her Danny.

 

I feel like I'm the only person in a position to have a sit down with BIL, and explain what his mom can and  can't handle. But it puts me in an awkward position, because they have helped me a great deal, and frankly I continue to rely on them some. But I don't feel I can stand by either. I have had some rough times with my MIL and FIL, don't get me wrong. But I've moved past it, for the most part, in large degree because they lost their child. And I know Dan's sister is also worried about her, and I don't want her stressed out either. She's pregnant, she just lost her dad, we're coming up on the anniversary of her brother's death, and they were very close, and now she's worried about her mom.

 

I know I just need to think about some ways to approach the subject with them that are non confrontational. I know that.  But man. It's aggravating.

[Trying]

You are in a very tough spot because you are the "in law", not a blood relative yet you have a unique perspective.  It would be nice if his sister could advocate for their mom but if not, I would find a way to be as non confrontational as possible.  Hopefully with your support you MIL will be able to speak up for herself once she gets past the initial shock of grief.  it must be so difficult for you to watch her going through this difficult time. 

[SemperFidelis]

Yikes, what a strained position to be in. Sounds like you will have to get somewhat direct with reminding them that you've been through this before and know what you are talking about.