I feel like an Ass

[Sugarbell]

Remember the guy I was seeing with great job, home..but messy? Like wouldn't take care of anything???? Well he now has a weekly cleaning lady...and is wanting to woo me back.

 

But I don't love him. Like him yes. In limited amounts.

 

We've had occasional sex...the sex has always been amazing..and it's tough to find someone sexually you are compatible with. We get each other in that area.

 

He just annoys the shit out of me outside the bedroom. I don't want a relationship...I don't want seen around town with him, at ballgames..etc. I don't want to spend the entire weekend with him. There really isn't anyone else...just outside of sex...we aren't compatible.

 

He used to be super busy....suddenly he is wanting to spend lots of time with me...cause of course I don't want to. Like wants to go on weekend trips (and he would pay for) with the kids and me.

 

I don't like traveling with him. It gives me a headache.

 

Gawd I am horrible. I've been trying to lead in the direction of "no strings" but he wants 100 percent.

 

Can't do it. But the sex is therapeutic.

 

Don't judge...I am beating myself up enough about it. Just had to verbalize it.

[arneal]

Hey, Sugar -- good for you for recognizing what you DO want. Too many of us (myself included for a while!) had no idea, other than we needed ... something.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head that now he wants you because you don't want him. You may need to get out and find other folks to date (honestly, I know a few women who do the Tinder thing for a hook up when they need it. No strings) and tell him you aren't ready for 100%. That would probably be the kindest thing to do.

 

That said, if he's good with being there for the hook up only, understands that it's nothing more than that, and you are okay with that, handle your business, honey

[Needytoo]

Sorry you are going through this, but I am also glad you brought this up.  I haven't been in post relationship but what you are going through is something that is in the back of my mind.  I love having good friends but sometimes they drive me crazy. My therapist talks about setting boundaries, allowing people in and also not settling, and also asking for help?  All of this I am trying to work on. 

 

Have you told him how you feel?  Are we suppose to wait for sex 6 months or longer to make sure we like the guy?  Cause for me it has been a hell of a long time, if you get me on that one.  How do we react to this situation like an adult? 

[arneal]

The whole sex and intimacy thing was a concern for me as well, Needy. I think I've posted in other places that my mourning began when my former was hospitalized and intubated. They'd given him a 50/50 chance then. He came out of it but had additional debilitating sicknesses after having had a heart condition for years. Prostate cancer took sex but we still loved each other. I was physically desiring it before NG made any moves and the first time he seemed interested, we were out in public (kissing goodnight after a movie) and I didn't catch it until I was in the car and driving home. Could have kicked myself! However, about three weeks later, the same sort of thing happened but we were at my house. I made a comment and he was in agreement. As it turns out, it was pretty close to six months after my former husband's death. It wasn't planned that way, but now that you mentioned it, I did the math.

 

I would say that if you are ready, you are ready. No one can put a time frame on that. However, be sure because intimacy is a tricky thing. You might be in it just for a moment but dude might get hooked. Or vice versa. If you are concerned about getting in too deep too soon, it might not be time ...

[Sugarbell]

Tricky thing is we were in a relationship for a year and a half...In May when we were moving I cooled things off. When we were in a relationship...I lived an hour away...he was very busy so I had space still.

 

Since we moved I am 25 minutes from him. (our move had absolutely nothing to do with him..my family is from where we live now). So I sense he wants to be all together more. And he's no longer coaching football so his Friday evenings are free.

 

I really don't want to do the Tinder/hook up thing..I have friends who do it..but it's nice that we do know each other well...I don't want to sleep with anyone else (don't have the time or energy)...But I don't want him at my house hanging out all day me his...or him thinking he's going on trips with us.

 

Yes...I have subtlety told him. Actually was a little blunt. Ironic thing...before me most of his interests were FWB...he would do it for years because he said he didn't have time for anything else. Now that his daughter is grown...he doesn't like time on his hands. So wants a relationship.

 

 

[arneal]

That makes sense, Sugar ... be careful of his feelings too, particularly if subtle and blunt didn't work. You may need to sit down and have Come to Jesus moment on this issue and get it straight.

[Trying]

Don't beat yourself up, you are only human.  It does sound however like he really wants more than you want to give so it would be kind to let him know that.  It sounds like you are conflicted about stringing him along when you know there is no chance of a real relationship.  No judgement at all from me but I can't help but think if it was a guy stringing a woman along I would tell her to respect herself enough to find someone who wants the same thing as her. 

 

Sounds like you need a new playboy neighbor in the new hood that can scratch that itch😉

[Needytoo]

Good luck to you Sugarbell.  I think you are going the right thing.  I think most of us need to work on the communicating part and then work on that weird guilt feeling that we sometimes get afterwards and then that is when I am stuck too.

 

 

[Virgo]

I don't think you should feel like an ass at all. You know what you want. Nothing wrong with that. You've told him how you feel, so it's up to him to decide if he is comfortable with a FWB's situation or not.

[Guest Justme2]

He sounds clingy.

[Sugarbell]

Yup.

He used to not be at all....that's why I think the relationship continued on as long as it did.

 

I haven't changed. He has.

 

Nice guy to me and my kids....just too many things now irk me...I need to cut out sleeping with him occasionally.

It's not worth messing with my peace of mind. Not fair to him either...even though he says "It's cool...it's like every guys dream".

 

I am just not good with heavy duty relationships...I have guy friends...I think like a guy half the time. I like things a lot of girls around this area don't. I am independent (he tried and still makes comments about my little house-it's not that little..it's 2000 sq ft..it's simple..but it's decorated the way I like it and it works for me and the kids. He keeps throwing up "We could get a huge home with land for the kids if we bought together".

Some women would jump at that opportunity.

I like MY place...it's "small" but it's paid for. IN FULL. I can stretch a dollar a long ways.

He has lots of debt.

 

Think when my kids are grown...I will run away and just join a commune. (And I am only half kidding)

[Guest nonesuch]

You know what you want. If you think he doesn't get it, feel free to cut him loose.

 

Nothing is more frustrating and sad than working at crossed purposes, romantically.  I got into a FWB at one point, and I was the one who ended it.  I was falling in love with him, he didn't feel the same way.  Being with him was *just enough* so that I wouldn't bother looking for someone.  Finding a real consort was my wish, and it was never going to be him. 

 

Financial differences cause a lot of divorces.  if your world views were more in sync, maybe you wouldn't feel annoyed by him.  I'm reminded by a line from the Odd Couple: Oscar, at his wit's end with Felix, says, "Everything about you irritates me, and when you're not here, the things I know you're going to do when you come in irritate me."  That may be extreme, but that's what I'm hearing.