His birthday

[TornApart]

Hi team,

 

Today would have been his 47th birthday. I thought I was going to be okay - it's the 4th birthday without him, I have practice - but I spent all night reading this forum, weeping.

 

So much of what you have all written is so exactly what I have gone through, the things that nobody else understands. I am so grateful to have found you all again on widda.org. I am at a point where I am struggling again. I know that it gets better again. I know this is temporary. But I still feel so apathetic, and I indulge myself all the time... you know, the old "Well, I could be dead tomorrow, so why shouldn't I enjoy today?" But I have so many years ahead of me. The things that used to matter, just don't. I can't bring myself to care much about work. I like the new me - I am gentler and more patient - but I would like some of the old me back. The ambition. The drive. The never-ending support that he gave me unconditionally. I just miss him. It wasn't perfect, but I wish I had a chance for him to see the 'better' me.

 

I was the main breadwinner, in a job that I don't really enjoy anymore, and he always strived to make his business a success so that he could support me through a carerr change. And now I could take a career break to try something else, but I don't want to leave the security after the turbulent last few years, or without his support, his cheering, his pride in me. So I just lie here and mainline TV shows or the news or Facebook... like junk food for existence. It isn't what I want but I don't know what I want so it is easier to just drift in the gilded cage of a secure, well-paid job.

 

The poem by Veronica A. Shoffstall below resonated with me in the last few months as I came out of my first relationship post-beloved:

 

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And so you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much,

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure... that you really are strong and you really do have worth."

 

And this song brings me to tears every time:

 

Thanks for listening. I am sorry that we are here, even if we are learning a lot of life lessons. I read a quote in one person's post last night that struck home:

 

“The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.”

― Tom Bodett

 

Yep. ^^This^^

 

Love and hugs to you all on this journey.

[hikermom]

I'm so sorry his fourth birthday was as hard for you as it was. Odd, isn't it, that we can be 4+ years in and still get walloped by grief. Just passed the fourth wedding anniversary since my DH's death and it was much harder than last year. Weepy and moody for days. I found myself back to "leaking" - the term I used for the slow, unbidden tears that just drip of their own accord. No noise, no drama - just a slow, steady leaking from the eyes.

 

I hadn't experienced that for a long, long time. Same with the apathy. Although I'm in a different situation - I love my job and find it very fulfilling - I'm having trouble concentrating. I can't seem to shake myself out of the doldrums. There is something in the air. If I didn't have to ensure my daughter ate healthy meals, I'd probably be dining on Ben and Jerry's and beer.

 

I so wish there were folks near me - I could really use a get-together with others. Do you have any widdabagos happening near you? Perhaps getting out to a new situation with folks who get it could help shake up the apathy.

 

In any event, know you aren't alone. I'm following a parallel track!

[TornApart]

Thanks for your psot, @hikermom. This is exactly why I come back to this board - other widows know and are facing the same things.

I hate public sympathy grabs but I ended up posting photos of him on FB later that night. I needed acknowledgement that he hadn't been forgotten, that people still cared.

I'm in Australia so no widdabagos, as far as I am aware. And a much smaller population so it doesn't feel like there are many young widows around, and no support groups that I could find.

I have to say that I am struggling with being alone and wanting to spend time with people but they have their own familes and don't have time. Most of my single friends have moved overseas, so out to meet strangers... 😞

[canadiangirl]

TornApart, thanks for this post honouring your love. I love the Tom Bodett quote and share the lack of motivation and ambition, and wish I could at least find some more of the former.  Thinking of you

[piecesofapart]

TornApart...you are not alone...may you find comfort here....hugs...