First birthday of husband passed away

[Seagirl]

I love that this forum is there and that someone commented that part of grieving and coming to terms with everything is being on a forum like this. I don't always want to post and as a newbie haven't yet got the pearls to offer to others but in time I will. First birthday today, my husband hated family celebrations etc and I was always trying to make it special for him which was all ok, we had our own ways. My hostile in laws arranged a mass but instead of dwelling on it I asked a friend who has been amazing from the night of the accident and she came to support me in church and we had a lovely brunch and I feel ok but sad. No anger or bitterness and just  need to be ready for our children coming in after school and help them get through today too - widow lesson learning today : surround yourself with positive people to get through a hard day. Hard to believe that there will never be another birthday with him around...

 

[Julester3]

That first birthday after they pass is so hard. Our first was in May was not a good start of the day either. We went to brunch, bought flowers and visited the cemetery. What made it hard for us was the weather. It was cold, rainy and gloomy and it magnified the sadness for us. We cried out an entire box of tissue, the girls and I. Our day got better as I hosted a game night with his friends at our home just like he would have done if he were still alive. My husband didn't care for celebrations on his birthday either but I always tried as well. It was so comforting to have his friends around me and to hear the familiar, comforting sounds of a game night with good friends.

 

A month later though we discovered visiting the cemetery on a beautiful, sunny, warm day was much better like how it was on Father's Day. We were okay. We shared a few funny stories in our experiences so far without him that we thought Josh would find amusing. We teared up a little but we had good thoughts when we were ready to leave and it made the cemetery less traumatizing, less sad.

 

Every first you will experience will be hard to believe that your loved one isn't there and you'll have different types and levels of reaction and sadness to them. It may or may not make sense at the time. Hugs to you!

[Trying]

Hugs to both of you.  All of the " firsts" are so hard and so often just trying to get through it is the best you can do. I found that the anticipation leading up to those significant days was the worst and then I was left drained the day after.  At 3 years those significant days find me reflective and sad, still difficult but nothing compared to that raw pain of the first year.  I'm not sure if that helps you but I know I found hope in reading posts from those further out when I was in those dark days the first year. 

[Mcdc10]

It was my husband's first birthday a month after he passed away.  I still sometimes think I'm dreaming.  I have a young son and a teenager. This is an absolute nightmare.  A sudden death, that we did not see coming.  We took the boys out bowling the day before his birthday and began to talk about how he taught us how to bowl properly.  It was raining that day, which made it worse, because on rainy days, I would snuggle up to him. On his birthday, I cooked his favorite meal and dessert. I have been a mess ever since his birthday. He was really a great guy!  I miss him so much.

[Maverick86]

My boyfriend's birthday is new year's day and mine is new year's eve. Another reason I really thought we were meant to be together. I'm really not looking forward to that weekend this year. I was so excited to celebrate it with him. My birthday/ new year's will never be the same. I'm sorry to hear of your bad experience but I'm glad you have good friends around you to get you through it.

[beth_krkswidow]

I can't imagine the holidays.  He passed away 2 days before our 28th anniversary, so that day was ... just kind of a blur.  I had to make the funeral arrangements on our anniversary and I was just not really aware of anything going on. So that "first" kind of didn't register as a "first".  But looking to the holidays... there's Thanksgiving then my birthday then Christmas then his birthday.  So I am dreading the whole season.  Can't imagine a birthday without him.  Mine or his.

[Seagirl]

Thanks for the replies - I am realising that until the anniversary everything will be a first and that after the firsts the ones to come will be hard too. I am now adopting a strategy of micromanaging special firsts, like Christmas coming up which I am dreading so trying to put a micro distraction plan in place as my kids deserve their childhood.

 

I put my neck out and attended a large function to promote our business, which distressingly is called after my husband. It was hard but many people were supportive and understanding (even competitors). It was exhausting. I met a very kind lady again who told me about the impact her father's death had on her mother which was that she stopped living and the impact this had on her as a child. This one struck me quite hard and is encouraging me to perhaps consider myself and my future a bit more. But of course this is scary too.