Self reflection

[Needytoo]

Part of me feels really strange writing about this, but what the heck maybe someone will give me advise and things will be great. 

 

I am really tired of being single, I want to take that next step.  I am chatting with a few guys but still no real talk about getting together.  Since all my other coffee dates were a disaster I thought I would try this route.  One of my friends waiting 8 months to meet her guy and now they are married, so I thought might as well take it slow.  One of the guys is really amazing, he is everything that I am looking for.

 

The friendship thing has taken a big down turn lately.  I am going to be turning 50 years old in one week and pretty sure I am going to be celebrating it alone.  I can't lie it hurts deeply.

 

I am taking some personal couching lessons and it is fun.  I have done so many other courses etc but still haven't gotten a friend out of the deal. Really not sure why?  I don't think I am a bad person. 

 

Sometimes late as night I feel so alone and then 15 minutes later I feel great and soak in the solitude. I fear I might be turning into the crazy cat lady who doesn't have any cats. 

 

Suggestions?

[twin_mom]

Besides getting cats so you can be the crazy cat lady with cats?

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist, in in a silly mood today.

 

Seriously, I'm not sure I could wait 8 months of chatting to meet the other person, but I'm all for waiting several weeks. I only met 5 people- the 5th was ng, we had been chatting about a month. Two of the other 4 I dated for a couple of months, 1 was a complete weirdo, and the other I think was married- I thought that before meeting and meeting cemented it. So I believe in taking it slow. I have friends that are all about a few emails then meet in person because then you don't waste time if there's no physical spark... To each their own.

 

I'm sorry, I don't really have any serious suggestions- just hang in there though. Your next chapter is waiting for you, you just need to find the first couple of lines and it will flow from there.

[imissdow]

I could have written your post just changing the age to 49. I to have tried all kinds of things and had way more then 5 dates but with similar results. I've met lots of people, men and women but no real great friends. Thankfully I have a couple of friends who have stuck around but really only 1 that I can actually do stuff with. I have done dance classes, started running and joined a gym, taken kickboxing and boxing. I'm typically the grandma of the group. They are nice don't get me wrong but I'm easily 15+ years older then them.

 

I have tried waiting a few weeks to meet guys and done it rather quickly. Honestly I don't know that it matters. I met a guy last night, had a great time, hoping for a second date. But in a lot of ways I also feel like I'm waiting for him to just disappear just like the others. Then on the other hand if they are to needy that bothers me to so I'm not sure there's a win/win for me. Dating is tough. Miss the days when I would meet a guy and naturally get to know them as fiends. Doesn't seem doable now.

So no advise just solidarity .

[RobFTC]

Hi Needytoo,

 

I am a little unclear on what you're doing - is it that you're doing online dating and just taking it very slow before meeting?  Or do you mean something different when you say chatting?  One risk with messaging someone for a long time is that the mental picture you form is not necessarily lined up with reality, and you can get attached to a chimera instead of a real person.  It's not necessarily fatal, but it's like you have to unlearn something you thought you knew before you can learn who they actually are.

 

What was the failure mode with coffee dates?  I am normally a fan, as it's a small investment and you get to see the full 3D version of the person.  Certainly asking some questions to filter an orient yourself is good, but I would certainly not be sticking around for eight months!  I had a date on Sunday with someone about four weeks and two postponements, and it was very close to my limit.  It turns out that she was worth the wait, though the delay will have me paying close attention to her availability.

 

Friends, that's a gap I have felt as well.  I have been commiserating with my niece, who's been living alone for the last year and is just so desperately lonely it hurts sometimes.  I've suggested to her that she look at meetup.com - she's in Calgary, and I thought I saw some cool possibilities there, and it's appealing as a non-relationship-oriented site.  She was messing around on pof.com, and I thought that that was like juggling chainsaws in her state.  She'd set up dates and never managed to follow through (small mercies?).  I figured having a base of friends would be a better deal for her.  Myself, I have been focusing on pulling existing friends closer, which has been mixed but mostly good.

 

If you do decide to go the crazy cat lady route, I'd recommend a starter kit of two so they can play :-)

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Needytoo]

Thanks for the smile twin_mom.  The weird things is a year ago my cat and dog both passed and I got two rescue cats.  One of them died on the surgery table and the other one ran away. So I thought ok, maybe the universe is saying no pets.  Yesterday I saw a cat run across the street and I swear it is my cat.  Maybe the universe is telling me something different now.

 

immissdow I am so glad you have some friends that have stuck it out.  After my husband's passing I was so pissed at people that I thought should have been around but now I see things a little differently.  I was the one that really didn't let people in.  My husband was an alcoholic and one of my sons had a mental illness and I just never made that time for friendship.  Now I am trying to be a more open person.  I have done exercise classes and other classes and I love it but still haven't made that connection.  I have inspired other ladies to do it but still haven't really made a good friend. 

 

Rob my mentor, I'm not sure what exactly my point is.  This online dating thing I am still finding it so difficult. I am more open with members here than I am on these online dating sites which is weird because I am not a shy person.  I have been chatting for over a month with two guys and one of them have talked to on the phone.  But you are right I am most likely making a mental image of these guys that isn't correct. 

I have gone on some coffee dates and all of them were the same.  Extremely nervous guys who went on and on about themselves and never asked me one question. 

I also have gone out with some old acquaintances and just like you some of it has been good. So far not one have them contacted me after our get together. 

Now to your niece. My niece is in Toronto. Thirty and in my opinion beautiful but she didn't want to date and wasn't doing anything.  She has also joined a Meetup group for axe throwing.  I kid you not, she is loving it.

 

I am not sure if I am suffering a little bit of a depression and I just need to do something different just to see if I can change things. I am going to try going to a few meetings at a Lions club and see if I like it. 

[Forgottenwife]

I remember this... and I was so lonely. I can only offer what I did, I kept at it and went on even more of those boring coffee dates. And what is up with those guys that talk and talk and talk and don't seem to understand the art of a good conversation. They bored me too and I never went on a second date with them. I would feel so alone and lonely and want to give up. Sometimes I would take a break for a few days but I knew my ultimate goal was to find a partner, so I just kept at it. I kept trying and endured the crazy insults from the weirdos, BLOCK, and the nervous guys that talk too much and all that.

 

The Lions Club sounds great. What I love about your post is that you are still trying new things and new ways to meet people. That is challenging, yet we know that is what we must do if you aren't getting the results you want. Although I was immediately turned off by the insults and the superficial aspect of some of the people online, I quickly decided to not take it personally and I weeded thru the men until I found some genuine, nice guys just looking for love. I know they are in there yet it is so hard to not get discouraged. Online dating can really get you down, I'm guessing some guys feel the same way.

 

I remember one thing I changed about myself is I made a point to talk to people that I had no interest in, or people that would never ever be with me. I met a lot of interesting people and I learned so many things about myself. I chatted up the maintenance man at a charity event once and he was quiet at first but turns out he was the most interesting guy in the room.

 

Keep your chin up. Sorry for the loneliness - it sucks.