Today

[Bunny]

It's his birthday. The fifth one without him here. How is that possible? Time continues to expand and contract without rhyme or reason- I've stopped trying to make sense of it. I celebrate each year by giving his grandma a call. Some day I hope I can look back with happiness and truly celebrate the day of his birth, but for now I'm still just so sad about it.

 

I realize on days like today just how tightly I keep him, the real him, locked up inside my heart. Euf wrote something very beautiful about this and her husband, Jim. I have it up in my pantry and the longer I'm widowed, the more sense it makes to me. Maybe I'll copy it here for everyone else to read- I hope she won't mind. It really does explain widowhood better than any words I can come up with.

 

For now, I will share with you our song. For whatever reason, it's an obscure rockabilly tune. Feel free to share your own 'our song'-s with me so I have a play list tonight while I'm drinking wine, looking up at the moon, and remembering my husband.

 

 

Happy 51st Birthday, Papa

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Big gentle hugs to you Bunny.

[Bunny]

From Euf, posted on the ywbb:

 

 

'Today is the day where all things are measured from. There is before Jim died and after Jim died. There is the mounting irritability and tears just below the surface as August 28 draws near. There's the sigh of relief when this day is over.

 

This is my New Year's Eve. Tomorrow begins another year. A fresh start. A year full of possibilities.

 

I think of Jim always. He just sort of lives in my mind. Not intrusive, but always nearby, ready for me to tell him something, or smiling with me at a shared memory. But it is not the real Jim. It is some image of Jim that I can carry round with me and take out and talk to. I guess he is like an imaginary friend.

 

My imaginary friend, Jim, is someone to talk to that shares the same past. The real Jim is kept in another place in my heart and I don't let him out very often. The loss of the real Jim is not something I can face day after day. At least not while I am trying to rebuild a life. The real Jim was so much more wonderful than the one that lives in my mind. The loss of the real Jim can still feel like being punched in the stomach. When I remember the real Jim, I fall on the floor and can't breathe. So I have this pretend Jim that keeps me company. This pretend Jim that is one dimensional. A pretend Jim is better than no Jim.

 

But on this one day each year, I looked him in the eye and say: "yes, I see you. I remember who you really were. I remember who I was. I know you. I still love you."

 

[MauiMermaid]

Beautiful words, Bunny. Thanks for sharing Euf's post, too. I understand every word... so much so that I have tears streaming down my cheeks. It all just seems so unimaginable doesn't it? Like you said, no rhyme or reason.

 

Big hugs to you today. We understand. xoxoxo

[beth_krkswidow]

Echoing every word that @MauiMermaid said.

[66etype]

Bunny.... xoxoxoxoxoxo

[MauiMermaid]

For now, I will share with you our song. For whatever reason, it's an obscure rockabilly tune. Feel free to share your own 'our song'-s with me so I have a play list tonight while I'm drinking wine, looking up at the moon, and remembering my husband.

 

The link below was a favorite of ours before he passed away. The lyrics touch my heart all the more now that he isn't here anymore... tough to fight the tears on this one.

 

Band of Horses "No one's gonna love you more than I do"

"We are the ever-living ghost of what once was..."