The 'Move On' speech

[Adley]

That's the kind of well-intentioned speech I got from my Dad yesterday. Along with examples of situations from which he

has ''moved on''.  The last time we spent any amount of time together was around our wedding anniversary. My wife and I shared the date with him and my stepmother (a truly wonderful lady). So for their formal dinner party I'm expected to show up all smiles I guess.

  I decided (we were in Alaska) to soak in a creek and see how much whiskey I could drink instead. Bad decision? Of course! Yet I would rather do that a thousand times than put on a smile and celebrate anyone else's anniversary on OUR anniversary. Especially with someone who was so anxious to pull the plug. Please allow me a day of selfishness.

  So months later he gives me the speech. I imagine he was angry I didn't make it for Thanksgiving. I cry on holidays anyway. He lives 3 hours away and knows little about my life. We probably see each other 5 times a year these days. If it weren't for this forum I would still be thinking there is something wrong with me for not living up to everyone's standards. Now I'm pretty sure they just don't get it, or am I reeeally missing something?

[Ruth]

Hey Adley,

 

No, I don't think you're missing anything. I've recently stumbled upon a video post of a widow and she said to move FORWARD, not on. That moving ON implied, in her mind (and in mine as well), some form of forgetfulness - and that 'forgetting the love your life is somehow gonna help me is, actually, very offensive'. I couldn't agree more. Yes, at some point we will probably realize we are or have moved forward, but we will never forget. Besides, it's OUR grief and it's different for everyone. Let no one tell you how to grieve or when to take a next step. This is your life, your journey, your loss - no one should have anything to say about that.

 

Gentle care to you,

Ruth

[Adley]

Thanks Ruth. It DOES imply forgetfulness, and maybe even impatience on their part. That is quite frustrating.

  Regarding other peoples' opinions- in hindsight many of the mistakes I've made since my wife died were probably influenced by the remarks of others. I just felt so alone with no one in a similar situation, that I often deferred to the advice of those whom I knew cared about me. And while most everyone has good intentions, their opinions are seldom grounded in facts or experience.      That's one reason I'm so glad I found this place

  Thank you, and thanks and hugs to all the fellow wids who share on so many topics. It is such a breath of fresh air.

 

[Julester3]

What I struggle with is putting myself and my kids needs first now. In the past, we put family first so we'd accommodate everyone first and fit our needs in between as best we can. Because this is our first holiday without Josh, without apology I've stated our needs. Go ahead and have your Christmas and Hanukkah but we need to learn to survive this and if avoidance is what we need, we will do that. If doing something completely contrary to than we've ever done, that is what we will do. They have to respect our wishes.

 

Just some perspective for you. Your family should not force expectations on you. Hugs for today - I feel your frustration.

[Adley]

Thanks Julester, I surely appreciate the validation. And keep doing what you're doing with the children, you're doing great!