going backwards

[Wife of Tomasz]

Hello everyone,

I don't post often but an always lurking. Up until now I have never had the feeling of going backwards. I mean I have bad days and worse days, but more or less on an incline forward. The last few weeks have been different though. The fog is back with a vengeance. The anxiety is constant, and my chest hurts again. I am not functioning at work and am back to drinking to get me through the night. Its like I am back to the 7 month mark. Now I understand what widow(er)s mean when they say its like I am back to the beginning. I think its the holiday anticipation that is kicking my ass. Last year I was 3 month out for Christmas, still in shock and in basic survival mode. This year I am aware of what is happening and it is so much worse. I just want everything to go away. The holiday music the parties and get together, all of it, I just want it all to go away. How can I possibly do this without him?

Thanks for listening. I just wanted to let it out where people will understand. I just need a hug today.

[sikeuritgadeun]

I hear you and am sending a (((hug))) your way.  The Holidays do make us feel bad.  We don't have what we once did and it is so very painful.  I hope that you will find some peace this Holiday season.  Everyone here knows exactly how your feeling.

[marjoe]

WOT, I speak from much further out, but I remember, and it still hits me (albeit to a lesser degree).

 

This is the way it goes. You are not going backwards, although it feels that way. I think we all describe it as waves that come, sometimes overwhelm, and subside. Take it easy on yourself, and please know this is normal, in our new abnormal. Don't feel that you have to do the holiday thing. I mean, the first Thanksgiving (at 6 months out) I cooked a 15 lb turkey (for myself) and made soup and gravy, blasted Black Sabbath, and cried a lot. Couldn't face anyone. Made it through. Thank the Lord for Ozzie.

 

And yes, I also know exactly how you're feeling, and I'm glad you wrote. We're all here for you - Marsha

[MACC]

I am approximately 2.7 years in and this holiday season is hitting me hard. I miss him immensely! I don't share this with anyone. I try to keep a strong front for kids and my family. However, at times its just a facade. I understand how your feeling.