MACC

We all manage in our own ways and we all have our different circumstances. Unfortunately we all have felt the pain of losing someone we loved too soon. There is no shame in needing and taking time for yourself. One thing I wish I learned earlier was not to rush to make big, important or potentially life altering decisions in my 1st year. Sometimes it can't be avoided but if it can, give it time. Whatever you decide I hope it is based on what you need to get through this, not what you think other people need from you. If your co- workers/boss care about you as much as you care about them they will be understanding of your needs.

I took leave so I could work through things myself and be present for my kids that were 4 & 6 at the time. I also eventually switched jobs within same company. New job is less stress. Wish I would have made the move sooner. One thing I learned is life can be short. I'd rather be present for my kids and be with my family. They are my priority.

I miss my husband. He was my best friend, my lover, my everything. This stinks.

Has anyone heard of Camp Kangaroo offered for bereaved children? I was in process of signing up my kids but we had a personal conflict. I want to research and try again next time it's offered.

I agree. It is not your fault.

My son was 6 and daughter 4 when my husband died unexpectedly in 2014. I am an advocate for therapy. We all went for the 1st year. School counselor was involved as well right after and was a big help. I took as much leave as allowed through my benefits to give myself time to get through it and so I could focus my time on the kids. I think it was in year two where I was having some additional concerns about my son. He too didn't express much to me and think it was because he was trying to protect me. I restarted him for a while and he is not going now. However, I always look for any signs. I also agree with person that said its important to find a therapist that is a good fit.

Up at 3:30am. This is getting old. Maybe I will need to look into taking something(thanks inovermyhead)or maybe I need to get back into therapy. Over 2.5 years later am I heading back to square 1. God I hope not!

i am so sorry Lmsmdm. I don't exactly know how you feel but my dad has similiar health problems. My DHusbands mom, I still call her my mother in law, had a Kidney donation given to her. My dad has several core morbidity illnesses (high blood pressure, diabetic etc ) and will soon be 77. Doctors never even spoke to him about kidney transplants or getting on an organ donation list. Is his life not worth it because of his age,seriously? My dad didn't want any of us to donate because 3 of his four kids are the sole providers and single parents. Not sure why he wouldnt accept from my other sister. But thats not my place to interfere. So instead my dad does Dialysis at home every night. It is a big adjustment but he is getting by. Seeing our parents age and seeing them sick is very hard. I can understand why you feel it has become a burden and why your angry. I dont have any words to make it better but I hear you. Vent away.

I totally get how you feel. We were supposed to raise our kids with our spouses. My husband was the one with an even tone that balanced us out. I remember totally breaking down at a mall after an attempt to agree of we should stay in a huge line to see Santa. My son didn't want to wait and my daughter did. My husband would have made us go early in the season and early in the day. Alone I was a total mess and was just happy to have made it at all. We walked away from the line after bickering with one another. I broke down in tears while they pouted in the play area. We shook it off and went for a second try. I think they had mercy on me in round 2 because they saw what a horrible effect round 1 had on me. I am overwhelmed trying to manage it all. Two kids, a full time job, managing the finances, saving for retirement,managing my house and its upkeep, managing our two very old rental homes (4 apartments) and all the repairs and work to keep those rented , shoul i keep them, should i sell them, helping my retired parents financially by allowing them to live with me (but my mom helps watch kids a bit before and a bit after school, dad has medical problems, helping my sisters financially (but they usually pay me back with their tax return(so consider it a savings). Am I managing it all right? Am I doing enough? This week has been particularly stressful with a wake that I think pushed me over the edge. I missed two days of work even though I said I would not as I have to manage sick day usage wisely. Just was feeling overwhelmed by everything. Felt like my emotional and financial well was running dry. Then ,as I write this I hear my 7 year old daughter ask my 9 year old son... Do you love me? He responds yes, I do..do you love me? he asks her.. she responds yes. I broke out in tears again but this time good tears. I am imperfect and wonder all the time, am I managing it all well and wishing I had my husband here to help. Hearing my kids share their love with one another tells me I have to be doing something right. Those kind words have filled my dry well enough to get through for another while. I pray we all have better tomorrows! A special prayer for you fuchiasky! As hard as it is lets both try to be gentle on ourselves and know we love our kids and are trying our best. Hugs.

Thanks Amor! Another late night its 2:54 am.I am hoping I can shake this off quickly.

Hugs HCE. What a beautiful gift she gave you with her journal. I have a horrible memory, my husband was so much better at that. He would also save ticket stubs or receipts to places we had gone. When he was alive I didn't understand or appreciate the sweetness of it. Writing a page back to her daily, inspires me to try to capture my memories before it is to late and my memories fade even more. What a great gift it would be for my kids who only had him in their lives for such a short time. Thanks for sharing!

Up at 1:30am. Its now 3:30 am and I can't sleep. Went to wake yesterday of coworker that unexpectedly died at 45. She was engaged and to be married in October. Heartbreaking to see her laid to rest in her wedding gown. Another beautiful life taken so soon. Triggering so many emotions. Overwhelming. Then daughter asks to sleep with me and I let her because I know I didn't see her while I was gone at wake and she was missing me. Weekends is our time together. She tells me she misses her dad and the last time she got to hug him was at the hospital. Breaks my heart. I too have fond memories of laying on his chest listening to his hear beat. Thinking of calling in sick and sleeping when kids are at school but won't because I have to use my allowed sick days wisely and it is just the start of the year. Mental health day... not today. Does remind me to schedule a day off on my husbands angel date that is in April. Thought I could go to work last year and regretted that decision. Not a good day. Couple hours have to put my happy face on and get kids ready for school and go to work. Sorry I know this post is all over the place but I guess thats where my head is at right now.. all over the place. Happy face outside... inside sad face...inside an exhausted emotional wreck.

Thank you Lewis! From a very grateful user.

RyanAmysMom-Kudos for you for giving it a try. We are our own worst critics and I am sure it wasn't a disaster.. and if it was you have survived much worst. Be proud that you are venturing or tried to venture into this new journey. You can be the only one to decide if you want to continue on it. For me. haven't been brave enough. Due to a childhood trauma my family experienced I am to scared to bring anyone new in my kids life for fear that they may hurt them. I am lonely and wondered if I can just be with someone casually but that hasn't been my style in the past and that scares me too. Please continue to share. Maybe I can live vicariously through you or gain some strength and courage from you. Best of luck on whatever you decide.

I am so sorry for your loss. My kids were 6 and 4 when their dad passed. They are 9 and 7 now. My eldest son didn't show much emotion around me either and to be honest still doesn't. I think it's because he is afraid it would upset me and he didn't want to see me cry. My daughter who was younger was more open and talked to me about how she was feeling. I recall one of them saying they wish they could fly so they could see their dad in heaven. Broke my heart.I found that my son needed more counseling to have that outlet since he was unable to open up with me.. We all have our unique situations and we all grieve uniquely. I think it is the same for our kids. Sending hugs your way.

Hi I'm Macc. My husband died suddenly in April 2014 at the age of 41. He had a tear in the basilar artery (at the time we were unaware of)that caused him to have a brain aneurysm and stroke. Within a weeks time I had to make the hardest decision of my life and then tell our kids who were 4 and 6 that their dad died. I joined Widda in October 2015 and have been an occasional visitor and silent observer. I am so grateful for those that share. Recently I have become a frequent visitor and have taken the plunge and started sharing and participating. I guess I'm finding myself going through a tough patch and find this site is so helpful. Thanks to everyone!

I miss him so much but rarely ever share that. Well except now that I finally decided to start sharing on Widda. I hear about people dreaming of their loved ones. I want to have one of those dreams that feel real. A dream where I can hug him. Tell him I miss him. Tell him I love him. Ask him if he is ok? Can he watch over us and see how were doing? Can he hear me when I talk to him? Sometimes I pray that God will allow him to come visit me in my dreams. But it never happens. Or if I dream of him, I don't remember.It's been over 2.5 years but I miss his friendship, his companionship...miss him in every way.

I hate my sons teacher. I hate that my husband died. But right now I mostly hate myself. Yesterday night, I totally lost my cool and yelled at my 9 year old son, F bombs and all... What a monster I must I have sounded like and looked like while I had my hulk rant about not wanting to get another F'n note from his damn teacher. This time because he turned in a newsletter late to his teacher. Some stupid newsletter that is basically the same every week that I sign to show I read it. All he has to do is turn it in. He already missed out on a 'pbis' celebration earlier this week at school where kids get to watch a movie. He had to stay behind because of to many missed or late assignments. I feel like I am the failure and I lashed out on my poor 9 year old son. I wasn't angry at my son. I was angry at my situation and at myself. If my husband were here, with his help we would have a better handle on my sons ADHD needs. I'd have more time and patience to help him with his homework and to make sure it's done. Why should my son get penalized because my husband died and because I can't get my shit together. To make matters worse... I went to my room closed the door.. "to cool off".. guilt already kicking in... when my 7 year old daughter asks for a goodnight hug .. What does mama hulk say.. no.. go to bed. A while later I apologize to my son for my unacceptable behavior and hug my daughter goodnight... but it's to late.. The damage was done. I can't take away the hurt, pain and feeling of rejection I had just caused them 20 minutes earlier. I am the only parent they have. How could I? God I hate myself.

Hello Widdowwithbaby, I am very sorry this horrific thing happened to your husband and your young family. It's been 2.7 years for my kids and me. They were 6 and 4 when my husband suddenly had a stroke and passed away. You ask... will life ever be good again? I don't know the answer to that very simple yet complex question. I can only share my personal experience. Life has not been the same for me. I still terribly miss him. Maybe some days more than before. I find myself more on widda then ever before lately. I guess it has come in waves. Some good days and some bad days. Some happy days and some painful days. As the surviving parent not only do we grieve for ourselves but we grieve for our children. I have learned its ok to accept help from others as hard as it can be for me. I also learned that I am stronger than I thought. No, I don't things got better. I think I became stronger. The one good thing that came out of my husbands death.. Is the gift of perspective and appreciating the good in our lives while we can.This all took time for me. Everyones journey is different. You may be early in this new journey. I hope that you are able to find that life is good again.

Thanks for sharing blue green. My husband passed over 2.5 years ago and my son was 6 and my daughter 4. They will always need and miss their dad. I honestly don't think that will ever change. I notice my daughter craving attention especially from males. Worries me a bit to be honest. My son has told me he doesn't want me to remarry. I personally worry about bringing someone new in their life for fear of someone potentially hurting them physically or emotionally. I have a brother who lives locally but he has 2 jobs and a daughther he is raising on his own. One of my husbands friends and his wife will occassionally take the kids out. A very kind gesture that doesnt go unnoticed. Mostly I have focused on being the best mom I could possibly be. I am far from perfect but try my best and hope its enough. To help fill in the male role model role I sign my kids up for sports through the park district. I also highly recommend cub/boy scouts. The den leaders are parents of kids that go to same school. I made sure to stay during meetings and events. Got to know parents to make sure I could trust them. Scouts has been great and affordable compared to other activities. Everyone manages in their own way but we all find that inner strength that we never knew we had.

A friend recently asked if I am ready to find someone new. I told her I didn't need a man. I'm still mourning the man I loved and lost. All I need is a handyman. I paid contractors tons... regretting it now. Talked about that in impulsive home improvement thread. Truth is my husband wasn't very handy. But he was here to help me make these decisions. Honestly, i'd take all those leaks if I could have him back in my life.

I am approximately 2.7 years in and this holiday season is hitting me hard. I miss him immensely! I don't share this with anyone. I try to keep a strong front for kids and my family. However, at times its just a facade. I understand how your feeling.

If I could do things over I would wait. House looks much better but the money could have been used towards paying off my mortgage sooner. I think it's smart that you are taking your time. It's stuff we had wanted to do. Once it was done I was sad that he isn't with me and kids to enjoy it. Bittersweet.

I went overboard, hired contractors and spent way to much money. Wish I would have waited a year or two before i made such big financial decisions. Hope its worth it in the end as far as home value and upkeep.