Magic and grateful

[barney_12]

I know how hard yesterday must have been for some of you. I know what firsts are like when we lose someone we loved with everything we have. I wanted to share how I felt and what I wrote last night when the day was almost over.

 

 

 

" When we suffer a loss, I think some of us tend to anticipate a day like today or an anniversary or a birthday being very hard and for some, I'm certain it truly is. I know I was and did. I was scared. I just wanted to forget it. My saying for 2 weeks was " Christmas bites this year " and I was dreading it.

 

But you know what? I've had an amazing day. So wonderful. And it's made me really realize how blessed I truly am. With what I have and what I don't have anymore.

 

The haves:

3 beautiful, amazing children - my daughter, my son and my son in law. They truly are the magic in my life. They need me and I need them. I have no words to describe my love for them and what they bring to my life.

 

I have a beautiful, warm, cozy home. I'm sitting by the tree in all its beauty looking around my house. As a young adult I never thought I'd be able to have a home like I do. And it's mine. It's mine and my children's safe haven.

 

I have an incredible fun career with amazing little rugrats who brighten everyday and I also have their wonderful parents. I have met so many great families throughout my years of daycare. Not all of us can say that they truly love what they get to do everyday.

 

My intuitive loving pets....my Dewey dog who has been a comfort for me for the past 3 years and my sons one crazy cat who hasn't let me sleep alone since Dan's accident. And let's talk about the really crazy kitten who keeps knocking every ornament off the tree daily but delights me with her craziness.

 

I have a brother that no matter what, has always been my biggest supporter. He listens to me cry. He rallies behind me when someone has hurt me. He gets me. He is the only one who completely understands me because of our childhood, our losses and what we both had. I'm his older sister but he takes cares of me like he is the older one. Again I have no words for what he means to me and how much I love him.

 

My family and friends....old and new. You all know who you are and without you, I don't know how I'd manage. The ones who listen to me over and over and get me off my crazy pole. To the ones who sent me an inner self care package. To the ones who take me dancing so I can lose myself on the dance floor and then they make sure I get home safe. The texts. The calls. The thinking of you's. The ones who have given me the space I have needed and are still there for me. I could go on and on. I love you all...I truly do.

 

Now for the hads:

 

I had one of the most amazing, loving, beyond description mom's. I had her for 32 years and in those years she always put myself and my brother first. She taught me how to love hard. She taught me how to be a mom. She's still teaching me because I think to myself what would my mom say or do and I try to follow that. I am so lucky to have had her for a mom, for my role model.

 

My stepdad, Pete. He loved us unconditionally. 2 kids who weren't his in blood but absolutely were in love. And he was one of the best Poppa's 2 little kids could ever have. He taught me that real men are strong, emotional and sensitive. He showed me how real men respect women. How a woman is to be treated. How to love.

 

Dan. My beautiful sweet gorgeous Dan. He was my Pete. I never got to tell him that. But that's what I wishing for before I met him. My own "Pete" like my mom had. Strong, sensitive, emotional and so very kind. Open and loving. Funny as f*ck. An amazing dad. Unconditional love. I am and will be forever grateful to have known him. And I know how lucky I am to love him. I've said it before, not everyone gets to experience what we had.....I get to say that I did.

 

So today, on Christmas I know how incredibly blessed I am. I found the magic I was looking for. It's all around me and it's always been. Even in my darkest days.

 

Merry Christmas and I hope for everyone, they have magic and love in their life like I have......xo "

 

 

I also know how hard it can be to see the magic. To feel grateful. To feel anything but pain, despair and devastation. Please be gentle with yourself if you aren't finding the magic. You can't be grateful. Always, please always be gentle with yourself. And have no expectations. Be you. Feel your feelings and allow them. You are so worth it. Please always remember your value, your worth and your beauty.

[Julester3]

Thank you for sharing. This really resonated with me.

[mbanyard]

Thank you for this. It was a needed read for me.

 

MB