mbanyard

I am going to totally crib some bits from your original post, as I am in the midst of exactly the same thing....and my answer is absolutely YES....YES we can have a great love after our spouse passes, and sometimes it's a stronger love because of everything that has happened. I also knew from the first moment I saw him and talked with him that he was the one. It was like being struck by lightening! We know what the other person is thinking without saying a word and everything is so comfortable all the time. What we share is so special that I now believe in love at first sight and think that my DH sent my wonderful new love to me. and I knew he was the one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I know I will always love him and miss him. It wasn´t supposed to be like this, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him not just the rest of his. I was also scared that if I met someone new that I would forget and disappoint my love... I was torn and I felt guilty when I initially dated other people. With my NG I don't feel guilty at all and think my DH is smiling down on us....that he would truly love NG. NG is also super respective of DH and would never try to take his place....what he takes is a completely new place in my heart....a place I never even knew was there! I did not want to be alone forever, and know DH would not want me to be alone and lonely either. Now I won't be. I will be cherished and loved. Believe...there is more love out there for all of us and it doesn't diminish what we had with our spouse one bit.

I have done a few things. - The local Music Festival now has a beautiful trophy to present to the kids in the age group that he most enjoyed speaking with from my vocal studio - The local Vocal Festival has a Memorial Scholarship for their competitions - The local Air Cadet Squadron has a Memorial Bursary for a deserving Grade 12 student - My vocal studio has a Memorial Scholarship that students can apply for. I also, this first year, purchased a bunch of season tickets for the National Arts Centre and have been taking kids from my studio for dinner and a show on a rotating basis. I figure this was all a good way to honour the good person he was!

A few weeks ago I posted about being absolutely terrified about joining an online dating site. You all were so generous with your advice and encouragement that I did join. I am VERY glad I did. After some absolutely ridiculous messages, some disgusting ones, and some drinks with some nasty people, I ended up at coffee with a man who is everything I never knew I was looking for....and more. I never thought that I would find happiness after I lost DH, but there seems to be a real possibility that I just waked onto the path of somebody that is going to make me happy for a very, very long time to come. so...thank you!

LOL...thanks This is excellent advice. I have set it and made it non committal sort of thing. (I live in Ottawa, so we have the largest Skating rink in the world...the Rideau Canal....so we're going skating) It seems safe enough and really, this NG DOES KNOW the entire situation and has already said he's quite content to move at whatever speed makes me comfortable...so it is pretty safe and gentle as a first step. I guess I'm freaked out because it IS a solid acknowledgement that my DH is never coming back and I need to move ahead. Thanks for your insight, MB

Hi All, So.....I did it...I joined a dating site at the 6 month mark. Do I feel like I'm ready to not be alone any more? Yes Do I feel like my DH would want me to try to move forward? Yes Have I met and chatted with somebody who I am interested enough to meet? Yes So why am I having such a hard time in setting a meeting for a drink or a coffee? He knows the whole deal and has said that he is more than willing to take things at my pace...so why am I terrified of setting that first meeting? Has this happened to any of you? Any advice for how I get the courage to make this step? (I have NEVER dated in my entire life - my DH and I were introduced, had dinner with other people, then we just were) Thanks in advance for your wisdom, as I don't want to drive this guy away as he is pretty well exactly what I'm looking for in a partner.

I also hit six months this month and I also hit a low spot and couldn't even fathom wth was happening. I think we do buy into the bullshit about it getting better as time moves on, but I think there will always be things that bring us to our knees along that path as well. I am already planning with my friends for major distraction on his birthday in March, as I know it'll be a REALLY low point amongst the days - which have been good mixed with mediocre and some terrible lately. All we can do is to give ourselves permission to fall off the horse, provided we get back up again...if that makes sense at all. I certainly find it encouraging to know that others are in the same spot as I am. Thank you all for that.

Not my DH birthday, but today is the 6th month mark, so I also had a tough day. I'm there with you ladies.

I am at 6 months, today actually. I had another episode of just those feelings last week again. I think it's normal for where we are to feel like this occasionally, if you are feeling like this continually, please, PLEASE speak to your doctor about some assistance from a counsellor. (I did and it helped a great deal) My thoughts are with you. Hang in there, you're not alone!

Funny that you should say this about the Phoenix, as my CD that I am working on (1 of two actually) is called "The Phoenix" for the same reason You folks amaze me and I am so lucky to have people who understand to speak to! MB

I did too. You're right...people don't understand, but I really don't need them too either. Do what you feel is right for you....and don't worry about what another soul thinks of it! MB

THIS is it EXACTLY. This is exactly how I've been feeling and I've been terrified to do anything about it. (I even started to make an online profile and deleted it) It's a scary place to be, for sure. I'm glad I'm not alone....but boy oh boy this part is really hard too! MB

Good question...wish I also knew the answer. I feel ready, as I'm comfortable in my aloneness. My issue is that I've never actually dated...like ever. I met my DH when I was in high school and we were together for 25 years. I don't know how to date, I know nothing about dating sites, and I work a lot so the "bar scene" is really not my bag. Ugh.....I HATE that this is even necessary, but I also HATE the idea of being alone for half my life. Frig! As if I need anything else to deal with. MB

Canadian here....in suburb of Ottawa.

Thanks Maureen. Just having you rephrase like that puts it in perspective for me. I think the plan I have in place right now (to try to expand my private music teaching and supplement with adjudicating and clinical work might be the way to go after all) Thank you for showing me a different perspective (I did leave my employment, which was in the law field, was so that I could take the time to try to heal enough to function while not leaving my employers in the lurch, as it were) Have a great week....I am going to try to do the same, Misty

I seem to be going through a really confusing time right now and I think I'm both flailing and kind of stuck, both professionally and emotionally.. I was working for people who were "not nice" (Understatement) after my DH died suddenly last July and while I did try to stick it out I finally resigned in early November as the stresses being imposed were not allowing me to cope with his passing and get a real handle on everything that had happened, everything that had to be done, and planning for what my foreseeable future might entail. I am now almost 6 months out and feel like I'm ready to move forward in some way, but have no idea how to do that. Though I resigned my full time daytime job, I have maintained my second job (evenings) where I teach privately, but it will not be enough income long term to sustain me. I do not want to get back to the point where I' working all day and all night with no time for anything else, or anybody else. (Let's face it, I will likely date eventually and need some time for that too.) The big issue I face is that my previous employers have done all they could to ensure that I cannot get a job in the same field as they've told people I am unstable and unreliable "because I quit." They are also not going to give a good reference if they are contacted, because they feel I left them "high and dry" despite giving more than the legally required notice period. With the savings I have put away, I can take 6 months to figure things out, get things done, get used to being alone in our home and just "be", however I'm a high energy person who needs to be busy and feel like a productive member of society (is that stupid?). Anybody have suggestions for moving through this quagmire? I am feeling like I'm stuck in a position where I'm eventually not going to have enough income to live and I cannot get anything part time in my field because of what my previous employers are, subtly, touting around the city. I am just stuck....and cannot see a way out at the moment. MB

Thank you for this. It was a needed read for me. MB

Yes, THIS....I have notes all over the house....and sometimes they still don't help! I will be glad when I am able to focus a bit more and stay on task a bit better! MB

I am there with you today too ladies. Today I just couldn't get motivated to do, well, much of anything. One day I'm ok, the next I'm a wreck and then I am through a rollercoaster until I get another good-ish day. I dreamed of him the other night too...he came to tell me it was all a mistake and wasn't true at all.....yet when I woke up it sure was. So, now I haven't really slept in 2 days. I agree with Geminigirl though, as we can do I continue to try our very best to move forward in some way....one tiny step at a time! It does suck though and I hope that some day it sucks a bit less. At least none of us are totally alone. MB

Thanks for starting this thread Maureen. It is great to see everybody with goals, even if it's just trying to move forward. 2017 for me will be, yes, continuing to find a new path forward, but with some real focus on myself (for the fist time in my life) and learning to use my strengths to make myself a better, stronger, person after this nightmare. I am planning to go back into the classroom as a substitute teacher (just working on reinstating my teaching license), I am going to continue to teach private music lesson, I'm continuing to get into the best physical shape of my life (which may or may not lead to another partner in my life, but we shall see if anything develops in that arena), I am working on several shows in the coming months with some very interesting characters (I'm a singing actor, specializing in musical theatre and opera), and I am going to have two cd's I have been working on mastered and out on the market (VERY exciting). I am also working on completing the renovations in my home that my DH and I always wanted, but could never afford to finish. (Not sure if this is more for his memory or for my moving forward, but the result will be the same - a safe and beautiful home). Wishing you all success and peace as we all move collectively forward in 2017! Misty

I read all of this thread and am appalled at why people say these things to us. (yes, most everything you've said has also been said to me at this point) Here are a few that have stood out for me: - A about 5 hours after my DH passed, my BIL told me I should sell my house; - Same BIL told me a week after the funeral that I needed to get on with my life, in particular that I needed to find a new partner so I wasn't alone (A WEEK!); - One of my best friend told me I was "lucky" that I no longer had a mortgage payment (since we have mortgage insurance) - I can tell you all...I certainly don't feel LUCKY and would rather be in a box in the street with my DH then in a mortgage free home alone. So yeah, people suck and I've come to expect the worst things to come out of their mouths. I have not yet been disappointed MB

Wow. She totally gets it, doesn't she. This is a fantastic article that just spells this horrible journey out so astutely. I have posted it, in hopes that my friends and family will actually read it and will watch what they say and do a bit more carefully. One can hope. Thank you for posting it, MB

These were very entertaining to read, thank you. They capture the essence of being a widow during "this season" when people, who normally don't get it (less face it!), don't get it even more. I have been basically alone for the past week, which I did for myself when I'd had just too many senseless comments made to me, just one too many people with their cheerful family photos and "look at us so happy together". (It was just easier then punching them all) Here is hoping that we all are able to find our way in 2017, for I cannot stay on this current path too much longer. MB

Thanks for this Maureen. I am also alone, and people think I am so strong that I don't bother to disillusion them about how very lonely I am. This was my first Christmas without my wonderful husband. Christmas eve I sang two services at a local church and was surrounded by supportive, kind people (they were all told in advance what my situation was and they were all so very kind). Yesterday was completely awful from start to finish. People don't understand, and I get that, but don't bubble on about everything wonderful you're doing on Christmas with your family and spouse. I had that done by about 16 people yesterday and it completely undid me. I went to bed last night vowing that today would be a better day, a productive day, and I made it so. I am hoping that, though sheer will, I will be able to make it through the next week before starting to work again and having enough to occupy my thoughts for many of the hours of the day. It's nice, well not nice exactly, to know others are feeling this way and understand though, so thank you. MB

Right here with you Beth, though we don't yet have the closure of a memorial to visit (It started snowing early here in Canada this year, and it messed everything up...well, worse then it already was). I cannot believe he is gone, that I am here, and THIS is my new reality. If I have to go through another Christmas season I might crack, as yesterday was the lowest I ever been in my entire life. (The day he died I went into a numb autopilot, where I stayed for 3 months). People are also so very cruel. I just cannot imagine what is wrong with people when they wish a new widow a very happy "Merry Christmas." Makes me want to punch them all in the face. In any event, my dear, you are not alone. I am just a miserable as you are and will keep you company for some time yet! MB

I am in need of this today....thanks in advance, and bear with you: - Fuck people who always want you to reach out to them for help and support, for they should know by now that I am not able to ask for the help; - Fuck people for being liars, users, and cheats (those who just want to see me for what they get that was my husbands, or for money they think I'm going to lend them); - Fuck those so called friends who have left me completely alone during this holiday season, continuously making ....and then cancelling, plans; - Fuck the family on both sides, who have bonded with me on the outside and left me completely alone....would it kill any of you to say Merry Christmas, or how about "how are you doing"; - Fuck those people who say they want to support and then don't even reply when you make a comment about being lonely, not being able to function, etc; - Fuck those people who invite you to sing places, as a pro musician, and then don't even use you once you've taken the time to drive there. A lot of FKN winners in my world right now and they all need to go to hell. I am so past being the patient, eloquent, gentle person. I have moved on to angry, bitter and jaded and think I will hang out here all along for the foreseeable future. Fuck them all!