Sifting Through The Anger

[KrypticKat]

I've been sad but I've also been really angry. It's only been 8 months and I feel myself changing for the better but there is still a lot of work to do. The anger bothers me a lot.

 

I'm angry this happened to a good man. Angry I feel so alone and abandoned. Angry at the awful things people have said or done to me since then.

 

Sometimes I think I've let it go. Then something happens and it all comes flooding back. I'm having a hard time telling apart the true injustices and when I'm just projecting my old issues and letting off steam.

 

I box, talk, play music and exercise to let it out but I seriously worry about this anger. I hate feeling angry. That's not me.

 

How do I REALLY let it go? How can I help myself better recognize when my feelings are justified so I don't get walked on but avoid taking out my deep wounds from this tragedy on the wrong person?

 

Anger just feels toxic.

[Captains wife]

Hopefully I can help a bit. I went through a lot of anger when my husband died suddenly and I was left to raise a 9mth old alone. It wasn't good and it lingered....and my moods were all over the place. I sought out a grief therapist, took up rigorous exercise, improved my diet and then set out to figure out how to get my happiness back. I was tired of feeling angry and sad. I think some of the aforementioned things helped, especially talking it out with my therapist and doing aerobics/running (for the endorphins). I also spent time making small changes to my life and figuring out what made me happy - some of them included reducing my work hours, finding ways to bond with my son, hiring help so I didn't feel overwhelmed, taking up new hobbies to keep me busy for some me time,  spending time with family and working on expanding my social circle. But one of the biggest things that helped was time - and letting myself feel angry or sad when I felt like it but using coping mechanisms so I wasn't taking it out on people. At almost 5 yrs out I'm in a very good place, as is my son, and my anger has dissipated- it's actually been gone a long while.  It's good you recognize these moods and are looking to deal with them. And you know, we all have a right to be angry after what happened to us...it is part of the grief process (maybe more for some). Wishing you all the best. PS - if my older posts are still on here, I posted a bit about my "happiness project" as I went through similar emotions.

[Trying]

Unfortunately anger is very common as part of the grief process and the part I was most uncomfortable with.  I had never been a particularly angry person so I didn't like that part of me when it would rear it's ugly head. At 3 1/2 years it is not really an issue very often.

 

It sounds like you are taking some really positive steps to have a healthy outlet with the boxing, exercise and just venting.  There are some great breathing techniques that you can use in the moment to help center yourself that can work really well if you remember to use them (it took me a while to get to the point where I would remember I had that tool). 4-7-8 is the one I like but there are others (Google "Dr Andrew Weil relaxing breath exercise").  It something you can do right in front of people without drawing attention unlike punching or screaming into a pillow.

 

I agree that while anger is understandable it is also toxic and we need to learn to deal with.  The people who run into trouble are the ones who use their grief as an excuse for anger and don't try to control it, that is obviously NOT you.