Post widow breakup complicated by kids feelings of desertion

[AAA]

I have been a widow for 11 years. Kids were 5 and 3 when their dad passed away. A couple years out, I started dating and eventually met who I thought was a wonderful man and we had been together for 8 years, until last month.  With very little warning, this man decided he was bored in a committed relationship with me and wanted to go separate ways. We have, however, become VERY fond of each others kids and he realizes what an important role he has filled/played in their life and told both me and my kids that he would continue to be "there for them." Over 8 years time, the five of us (me and my 2 kids and him and his daughter) had become an unconventional little family. Although we never lived together, we did almost everything together, including holidays, vacations, etc. Obviously all that has come to a screeching halt.  This man started dating another lady within a week after "dumping" me. If this was just me, I know the easiest way to recover from such a devastating breakup would be to cut ties completely....but it's not just me.  Both of my kids, but mostly my son (16yo) is having an incredibly hard time. He feels loyalty to me, but would love to continue to engage with my ex. I have even tried to encourage it if that is what he wants, but he is REALLY struggling with the dynamics of all this.  Add to that he just recently found out about the new woman and he is realizing how permanent the breakup is and that I (and by default, all of us) have been replaced. He basically feels like he's lost a dad....AGAIN!  Help! Any experience with this? Ideas? Counseling? Anything? I'm just trying to get through the day to day myself. Never expected to have to help kids navigate through a second loss.

[Captains wife]

So so sorry - I worry about this too. Firstly, I hope you are taking care of yourself so you can help your kids through this situation- I did a lot of therapy post my first break up and it helped. Try to limit your contact with him the best you can - it will help you over the long run. Does this guy want to maintain a relationship with your kids as well as your kids wanting to stay in touch with him? His being "bored" makes me very wary and I'm so sorry for the pain your kids are going through. Spend  lots of time with your kids and I think therapy would help. I feel that your kids continuing to have a relationship with him could be very tough, especially if he is moving on. But I would think that depends too  on how he is handling it- a therapist could be very helpful here, maybe even joint therapy for you and your son together? My son is very young and once in a while he mentions missing my ex but they didn't have a great bond to begin with plus I have my son in kids counselling already- to deal with his grief. And I think it's been helpful.

[Trying]

I'm so sorry you, and your kids, are going through this.  I have no great advice but I think counseling for you and the kids would be a place to start.  I would imagine that any contact between ex and your son would naturally dwindle as ex moves on so maybe you can just let it run its course.

 

As Captains wife said, make sure you are taking care of yourself dealing with the break up.