Weird widowed moment out of the blue

[Guest TooSoon]

We are at the shore for Easter weekend.  I've avoided this place as much as possible since Scott died, but especially in the past few years.  Too many memories tied up with this house, this town, and everything that goes along with it.  The first year after he died, I came here with M as much as possible.  I so wanted it to be our "happy" place, a "safe" place for us.  But it didn't work out that way for me emotionally.  In the last three years, I've come three times - once I was in the throes of early love and so that time doesn't count and the other two we came with our girls - a new family, new traditions - so that doesn't really count either.  Otherwise, I've let my parents bring M and steered clear.

 

This town has a whole host of Easter weekend beach events and M has been down for every Easter weekend since she was probably 2 and always with the same people.  My parents brought her for two of them when I could not cope and one year we came down and stayed at another family's house so what happened to me yesterday was staved off I guess.  But yesterday I woke up and just felt weird.  Over the course of the day, we did all the "traditional" stuff with all of the people who are always around on Easter weekend and I still felt off.    My family is Greek when we've been down here for so many Easters, I always make red eggs and when I put them in last night to dye, I realized it was just this weird intangible tugging - grief tugging at me, memories tugging at me, the passage of time tugging at me - that strange feeling of being in the same spaces with (most of) the same people from all those years ago (plus Andy), same traditions and everything seeming the same but nothing is the same.  I'm not sad or upset or even wistful really.  Its just weird. 

 

In the end, the job in England fell through so we're staying in PA for another year while Andy (or I) continues to try to get a job(s) that is the right fit for us.  I also realized this morning how much I wanted to move - not next year or in a few years but now; I'm ready.  Not to run away; I love this little beach town and I love Philadelphia.  I even love the deeply flawed town where we live.  But all of the weirdness of yesterday just made me realize how done I am with this feeling of being still somehow connected in too many ways to that life.  Its weird - and to me a relief - to think that my child barely remembers that life at all.  But I do - it seems like as long as I'm still in these places it will still be with me and its taken me a long time to get to this point but I hadn't realized how ready I am to move on and to visit these places instead of inhabiting them, if that makes sense.

 

Sorry for the ramble.  Just feeling a weird widowed feeling.  Thankfully they are few and far between now but "it" is still there, lurking around and decided to make a surprise appearance yesterday.  Thanks for listening.

[tybec]

I also realized this morning how much I wanted to move - not next year or in a few years but now; I'm ready.  Not to run away; I love this little beach town and I love Philadelphia.  I even love the deeply flawed town where we live.  But all of the weirdness of yesterday just made me realize how done I am with this feeling of being still somehow connected in too many ways to that life.  Its weird - and to me a relief - to think that my child barely remembers that life at all.  But I do - it seems like as long as I'm still in these places it will still be with me and its taken me a long time to get to this point but I hadn't realized how ready I am to move on and to visit these places instead of inhabiting them, if that makes sense.

 

THIS ^^^^  I am here, too.  Not married like you, but ready to not be in the same house, same place of my life of 16 yrs.  22 total.  I am terrified to change, though, as NO ONE will know DH.  I have been tied to DH since age 14.  New identity there.  But the tug for change is great. The tug is greater than the desire to stay the ghost widow of the past.  5 yrs. to get to this place, so not quickly for me.

 

Thanks for sharing.  No one can understand this strange world until they live it.  Kind of like those movies where they show you in between two worlds in some way, and trying to figure out what is the reality. 

 

[Sugarbell]

I get this....different situation..I wasn't seeing or serious with anyone when I decided to move..but had this very strong desire that my kids and I needed to get out of Stepford. I had been there 17 years..DH and I bought the house together, and it was time to go! And the cards all fell in place to make it possible for us to leave within 6 months of the decision. Yes, part of me was scared with the "What ifs".. but I knew I would regret it if we didn't move when we did. I don't miss that old life at all...except my neighborhood but I still keep in touch with them. (And btw Playboy neighbor is moving too this summer back to his hometown lol).

 

If your gut and intuition is telling you to go...it's time to go. The universe will make it happen. I believe though that timing is everything.

[Wheelerswife]

TooSoon,

 

I read your post a few days ago and I have been thinking of you and your family.  I've been in a funk myself, and much of it is the discomfort of still being here in this house and the elusive hunt for a job somewhere far from here.  This place is just all sadness now.  I finished my degree and I'm just waiting.  I want to be here for graduation in a few weeks to close the book on this chapter of my life, but then, I am just so ready to go.  I need that fresh start, the stimulation of a move and a new job, and in many ways, a whole new life. 

 

I know that you have been sitting in the discomfort of your own worlds for awhile and I have some sense of your frustration.  I know yours is much more complicated than mine, but there are similarities. 

 

It breaks my heart that John isn't here to see how far I have come.  I've completed something that I would never have done if I hadn't met him, fallen in love with him, taken chances, and trusted in the universe.  Yet - it is that same universe that I somehow have to trust again in order to have a life of fulfillment.  But there is no choice, really - is there?

 

I hope you and Andy can find work that suits you in the next year and perhaps we will cross paths in the world of higher education.  In the mean time, I hope the discomfort isn't too awful and the next year brings you experiences that strengthen your vitae so that you can find that elusive place where the stars in your universe align perfectly.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[imissdow]

I moved almost a year ago. Only 6 miles away, I still have the same job, go to the same church. My daily life however looks different. I've thought about changing jobs but really for the most part my dh was never part of my work life, we have changed locations so it looks different also. My girls have asked to go back to my LHs favorite vacation spot. So far I have avoided it.

Moving was hard but oh so freeing. This place doesn't haunt me like my old house did, it was the right choice as hard as it was.

[iloveyoualways]

TooSoon, your post resonated with me. I've been widowed for over six years but every change that I have made without him was another step away from him and our life together. Every single one was painful. Change of childcare, residence, going back to school, etc. Were all choices and chances that I had to make alone.

 

Before I gave birth to our son, we came to settle in the city where I grew up. We created a life together. We were married for less than five years but we were where I wanted to be. Then you all know how that ended. His death made national news. I lost everything one by one. I tried to keep some stability in my son's life. But it wasn't good for me. The trauma of revisiting "our home" was difficult. My life in that alternate universe was not to be. The family of four was only two and I could not ever change it.

 

So at different times I wanted to pack everything up and move far away. Different city or province. Or country. Start fresh. Nobody would know our story. Almost like it did not happen. I had suffered through too much trauma, grief, and pain. If only I released everything that held me close to him I could be free. All those threads holding us together were wearing away by every decision and risk made without him here.

 

I am happy to say that we moved and my son will be starting the school year at another school. It is stressful for both of us but I think that it is for the best. I could not be there without him and pretend that our lives had continued when, in fact, the train went off the tracks and had no chance of getting to its destination.

 

Change is difficult but therapeutic in so many ways. I was holding on to the memories of him and pain of broken dreams in that place. It was not healthy for me. I think that I am happier now. It has been a long road.