What should I tell people?

[CandiceS]

We recently had it confirmed that my boyfriend died of an overdose from laced heroin. We had NO idea he was on it, no one did as far as we know. Everyone has been asking, and I was honest with his friends. I told my mom and sister because everyone until then was supportive and they keep talking badly about him like he was a horrible abusive junkie or something. He wasn't. I've started telling people I don't know and don't want to know because, frankly, it's none of their f****** business how he died, but that won't hold forever and I'm going to hit the next person that tells me he was a bad person because he hung out with the wrong crowd. I don't even think it was a longtime thing because he made some new friends and started going out more for like two weeks before he died that he was really secretive about.

[Monique]

I'm sorry you have to deal with people critcizing his mistakes when you're already grieving. I don't have a good answer for what to tell people, other than you don't have to share anything you're not comfortable with. My fiancé died by suicide, specifically poison, so I'm in the same situation of not really wanting to explain to everyone who asks. I usually just tell people I'd rather not talk about it.

[MR]

I am so sorry for your loss. I think the best thing would be to tell people that you are not ready to talk about him or his death and once you are ready you will talk. This will give you time to go thru your grief and most people will forget about it.

 

Hugs

Manoj

[Portside]

My late wife whored herself around to support her addiction of the day/week for many years. She then blew herself apart in my youngest son's bedroom (9 yrs old)  to ensure he would find her shattered body.

 

I can't very well tell most folks that can I?

 

When asked, I usually said something like - "She suffered for years and was no longer able to hang on to her sanity". Or some such words.

 

You can't stop people from asking about it. The folks that cared about you and your husband will get it and quit asking. The others, well . . . . 

 

Good luck - Mike

 

 

[Forgottenwife]

I told my mom and sister because everyone until then was supportive and they keep talking badly about him like he was a horrible abusive junkie or something. He wasn't. I've started telling people I don't know and don't want to know because, frankly, it's none of their f****** business how he died, but that won't hold forever and I'm going to hit the next person that tells me he was a bad person because he hung out with the wrong crowd.

 

My deepest condolences on the loss of your boyfriend, I am so sorry.

 

My spouse was also an addict and passed in a rather unpleasant way from suicide, I completely understand that you don't want to say it. I just say, 'he struggled with a long term illness and eventually took his own life,' and that's it. I'm sorry people are saying your boyfriend was a 'junkie,' that is awful. I found unfortunately people got their little thrill of sensationalism and most faded away back to their own lives. A few people, my real friends and supporters, stuck it out and we are still friends today. I hope you have some of those with you.

 

Losing someone to addiction is painful enough. Please take care of yourself.

[beth_krkswidow]

I am so sorry for your loss and for what you are going through.

 

I'd rather not talk about it seems like the best answer.

 

Just so sorry.  Hugs

[Christopher]

What do you say...

 

"He died suddenly. I have no idea how, he just died." Then to make it plausible, do your best to forget how he died. It should be crazy hard at first but the pain will fade and so will the memory.

 

They have absolutely no business knowing your business. Do you go around showing your lady parts to everyone who speaks to you? Heck no! Why would you go around telling them how your husband died if it's private!?

 

Use that kind of attitude and folks will stop prying for your deeply personal information. It's your secret to keep, they do not need to know.

 

Now that the constructive bit is out of the way:

I know that feel. Your life was wrecked by stupidness. It just happened, like a car hydroplaning into a light pole during a very light rain. It was just stupidness.

 

I feel for you and wish I could provide hugs, good company, laughter and home cooked meals that your kiddos helped with (because they ought to learn sometime, no?). It's just that general sense of wanting to be a blessing that carries us all through this horrific mess.

 

[piecesofapart]

So sorry for your loss and that the situation just makes your grief all that more complicated.

 

My husband completed suicide- I believe it was his 8th attempt. (no one but his mother knew of most of them.)

 

I struggled with what to say... only my close friends and family know- not all of it -just that is was suicide- because sometimes a mental illness can be fatal.

 

What I now say is- It's complicated- but really why does anyone ever die? Their heart stops beating- because it's God's will/ time to take them back....

 

When it was less than a year out- I came up with this response.

It's hard to talk about death and grief right now- I'm really confused about it..so I'd rather tell you how he lived...he was a genius with all things mechanical and the best husband where it mattered most...  I am honored to have him in my life.

 

Wishing you peace...

[Wife of Tomasz]

Hi CandiceS, I am so sorry for your loss. This particular topic I could write a novel about. It has been just over 2 years for me and I still don't really know the right answer for this question. Tom also died by accidental overdose. At the beginning his family wanted to keep the reason private, because of worry that he would be judged, and that the tragedy of his loss would be dismissed because of the way it happened. I also felt that way, but I am an open kind of person who is not good at lying. I did tell the people closest to me. A lot of them think that I should be angry at him for it. I have never been angry at him for the way he passed. It was a miscalculation on his part, a mistake that coast him the ultimate price. Why would I further that by being angry at him, he is a victim of this whole thing too. Also what good would it do me to be angry at a dead person, from whom I will never get my answers. But I feel like the people that say that I should be angry at him just need something to blame. They do not have to be me, so they never really analyze the situation, because they are not as invested in it as I am. At first it was easy not to tell people because we did not get the autopsy report until 9 month later, so we really did not know. After that, I would tell anyone who asked, that it was a hard topic for me. Or that I have PTSD from the event and that I have not read the report as it brings on anxiety attacks (which is all true). After that most people will apologize and not ask again for a while. But here is the thing. I find that the longer this subject hangs in the air, the more curious people become. The more vague I am about it the more they think its some big secret and therefor want to know even more. For them its just something to put a label and stamp on, something to gossip about and judge, a loose end to a sad story. For me its a ripping, gut-wrenching pain that never goes away, the end of my world, the lose of my soulmate. Recently I have even had some people bully the answer out of me. The other thing is that by not tell people it looks like I am ashamed of it, which I AM NOT. It was an accident, like any other accident. True he put himself in harms way and therefor increased his chances, but so do many other people in many ways who never get the worse case scenario. I hope one day I can be just matter of fact about it, without worry of judgment, but I am not there yet. Sorry that my reply does not have any answers. Its just how it has been for me so far. Pls try and not give the opinionated people any thought. It is your lose and the way it happened does not make it anything less then awful. Feel free to PM me if you like. hugs

[KrypticKat]

My husband's death was also accidental but it was a car accident. I found after he died people had a lot of really insensitive questions. Like had he been drinking or was he a bad driver. People just want an explanation to justify why somebody would die that way. That they must have been irresponsible or a bad person and that's why they're dead. Because the idea that random awful things happen sometimes to decent people just can't possibly be true. My husband was literally a Boy Scout I was just coming home from work. But again people just seem to me that justification for why something so awful could have happened. This is just my perspective but honestly I would keep your answers as generic as possible. Really only share the honest truth with people you know love you and support you and care about you. Everyone else is going to put their own shade on it and honestly it's just going to hurt more than anything. Nobody can understand what you're going through. No one truly understands the man you were with more than you do. They can think what they want but I would say if you're feeling vulnerable don't give them any fuel.

[beth_krkswidow]

I am so sorry for your loss.

"Thanks so much for your concern, but

"I'd really rather not talk about it."

 

Hugs...

 

And the wanting to hit people asking stupid questions or offering meaningless platitudes is universal among the widowed I believe.