Christopher

I need companionship and community even today. My only friend is a computer and my son knows only solitude. I cannot seem to connect with anyone anymore and most of them look at me like I am a terrorist for trying to initiate a dialogue face to face without meeting them through electronics first. I hate this world so much now. If only there was some way, some means to connect with others without drugs, alcohol or wanton sexual immorality involved... some place that isn't a bar, rave, country club or whatever else I keep getting told to go to to find companionship and possibly that intimate relationship I need so badly... if only there was some way... some means...

I think my beloved was the ideal woman. She strove to be the amazing wife and oh my goodness... but we constantly had problems with her lethargy. I didn't mind it, I just had to do the full time work and most of the chores and over half of the cooking is all. I loved her to pieces and she went out doing what she loved most... before the surgery that couldn't save her of course. I have repeatedly reached out to tens of thousands of women, usually meeting the barrier of "I like to imprison dogs in my home despite their design to roam free outdoors and just have a safe place to eat and sleep so I can love on them the way they were made to be loved" because I have a slow-acting long-term-anaphylactic-response severe dog-DNA allergy (The whole dog. The entire thing). The other issue I run into a lot is "Let me show you why I am divorced!!! NOW DIE!!" problem that a lot of "single" moms out there are going through. Then there's the "I have everything but you don't so I refuse to even speak to you because you don't also have everything" problem. Women are so difficult these days. Even having a pleasant conversation about ice cream or a pixar movie causes them to create an awkward silence then behave unpredictably, sometimes with inexplicable hostility. I've studied the behavior of many couples and sought the lessons of many relationship advisors (youtube, blogs, a few books and whatever I could Torrent) and I am doing nothing at all wrong. I don't know what it is. Then there's the matter of constantly being told "Just get one drunk"/"slip her an aphrodisiac" or "just hire a prostitute." I am not that kind of man. I lost my virginity to my best friend (I got hers too) in one of those cuddles-gone-wrong and we just kept at it afterward, saying we were married. It was totally Biblical too, like Isaac and Rebekah. No ceremony, no fanfare, just marriage the right way. It doesn't have to be made public (see: re-public, publican, roman citizen aka "pagan" and other potentially related etymology) to be valid. Still, we were tricked into getting a marriage license for the corporations (British LEGAL PERSONS) that we were handed certificates for before we could consent (Berth/Birth Certificate Performance Bond). Add to that the fact that I have discovered huge problems in the legal stuff we're taught while growing up and the fact that for over 200 years the wrong political status has been forced down our necks by everyone everywhere and you have yourself the recipe for confusion that runs a lot of women off, whether they are redeemable (fixable, for the vast majority are broke somehow these days and most just need intensive TLC) or not. Top that off with the fact that I had no parents growing up and the fact that I have no fear at all (a healthy respect for danger and fear are distinctly different) and you have a fella that just has no luck when it comes to honoring his wife's wish when she said "If I die first, I want you to marry again. I don't want you to be alone. Even if you have to get a girlfriend right away, just go. Love someone new. You're amazing at it, I want someone else to experience this." I sure would like some pointers (or even a woman brave enough to step up and get to know me) because all I get is bad advice (some of it without license, as you must be licensed to tell folks how to fill out forms and what forms to fill out and what names to use, etc). It may be helpful to know that I am in Land jurisdiction, outside of all Federal, Territorial (State of State Franchise per 28 usc 3002 (15)) and MUNICIPAL jurisdiction and am trying to learn what being a Sovereign does for my ability to help folks. I want to bless people but even churches have a problem with me because I call them out on serving Babylon via the LEGAL NAME fraud and instruct them on how to fix it (to date no church yet has fixed it and they stand condemned), so I can't do "volunteer work" due to my non-citizen (non-slave) status. I'm here to help on a large scale, but I am not ok alone. I need a woman to love on who will do right by me. I have a son who is nearly 14 years old who has not known what a good woman looks and acts like because he was 5 when his mom died. He'll be a young man soon and with that total void of knowledge I am certain that his future with ladies might become a living hell. My desire burns as hot as a fresh Habanero pepper (just eat the thing raw, seeds and all, and there you go... that's what I have to fight through to remain celibate so I don't get the wrong one) so every day is just another day of pushing through the misery that life becomes sometimes. I cope by teaching myself things and on the worst days I just escape into a video game so I can ignore everything, including my need to eat (which I don't even notice most bad-burn days). Maybe society is just falling apart due to technology replacing our general walk-up-and-say-hi-to-someone social norm. 70 years ago folks would walk up to a stranger and start a conversation. That was normal. That needs to stay normal. People who don't do that are weird. Electronics are not a healthy barrier.

See, that's hitting on, and there's nothing wrong with it - good men (and women) *do* do it, all the time. I also completely disagree that widowers can't be in happy, healthy, successful relationships with non-widows (and vice versa). Many here have found just that. Simple point, though, that's really important for this community remaining what it is: this isn't a dating site, and widow get-togethers arranged here are not for the purpose of finding new mates or establishing new romantic relationships. The world is full of actual and on-line forums for that. What the world is NOT full of is safe places for young widows and widowers to find comfort and solidarity, to say whatever they need to say without worrying about the normal pressures and concerns of the outside world, including romantic complexities. My experiences and yours seem to be quite different. Hitting on others happens to be actively seeking the attention for the explicit purpose of gaining an intimate relationship. There is entirely too much of this going on as the culture in America today has absolutely no inhibitions. I detest the fact that most today would rather have a quick lay than a lifetime relationship. I never specifically said that it is impossible to mix the two. I lamented my frustration that due to my experiences I perceive that a widow(er) cannot seem to have any real success with a non-widowed eligible (not divorced) marriage partner. As for simply talking to others in a common discourse - If that is hitting on people then I suppose I'd best just stop every form of communication. It sounds absurd but if you aren't spouting conjecture and have a point then I may just isolate completely. This is a site where folks act like they want to reach out but really don't do much more than try to get through grief. This is not a dating site (duh) and saying that I am treating it like one is like me saying that you are some sort of law enforcement trying to honeypot me with this website. It simply is not true and has no bearing whatsoever on reality. I have not found a real community here. I have found a terrible mistake when looking for what I needed: Companionship and community.

I did this as well because to me it is second nature. I was orphaned at a young age and widowed young too. It just happens. We keep moving forward. I took this for granted so didn't mention it. I appreciate that you did. Thank you.

I felt heavily judged for expressing myself. I felt alienated and like I did something wrong by following the thread's context, content and purpose. I had hope for this site. I was incorrect.

A good man does not hit on a woman. He simply enjoys the company of others and if someone wants to ask, they ask. The purpose of being around others is to accompany them, no matter the cause. I find that this intensely carnal society that I feel alien to is confusing so many as to cause prejudice and opinion where none belong. I am so tired of having to overcome their preconceived notions. It is no different than assuming that a widow(er) can immediately return to a normal life the very next day after losing a spouse. Assumptions are absolutely rotten.

I just hit this mark a month ago. I'm still so upset that my hurt is showing now more than ever. I had to edit this post to get the hurt out of it.

I had to do the same. I used to live around only toxic people. Had to sever all ties. It was pretty brutal. I picked up the pieces on my own. It took me 4 years. I'm starting to come out of that funk now 7 years after the event. 3 years after active grieving finished tells you how rough the patch was.

It seems like so many of us are terribly sexually frustrated. There's only one sure way to fix that with the assurance that we won't have that need again (unless we are widowed once more). I personally am deeply interested in finding someone new to love on. At this rate I may just have to go outside of the norm and cradle rob due to the lack of interested parties my own age. Life just happens. Deal with it or don't, it will keep on happening. If you don't deal with it, it makes an unholy mess that you won't like cleaning up. If you do deal with it, great job! Keep moving forward. Some days it seems like you can't, but you find that even though you are numb with ... well, numb with everything, that you indeed can move forward. Make sure that "forward" isn't dangerous first. You can make this judgment call quite effortlessly. Stop doubting yourself. I find that fear is typically the largest barrier to your own living of life. Take your time.

Typically in the Message box but you could start a thread about it too. Widowbagos don't happen often enough. Widowbagos have never been about hookups. They are about friendships and supporting each other. Intimacy begins with friendship. One cannot exist without the other. I do not have any form of support. This has been true since I was 5 and lost my parents. I suppose I'll have to go back into personal psychotherapy mode again... (My late wife was also an unwanted child and her family doesn't talk to me) To the other post: Get a room? Nothing ever happens on the internet. It only happens in real life. So long as technology is a barrier, nothing is truly serious.

Oklahoma here. Need a wife badly. 35 now, it's been 7 hard years. I am now absolutely certain that a widower and single woman (not widowed) will never mix.

I cannot reconnect to the shallow, instant-gratification driven world. I've found that I am so set apart that I just want to live off grid with my own cabin in the woods for a while (with the amenities of the civilized world). I don't have that option so I am learning how to be useful in the event that option ever arrives. This means I am learning how to build a lot of stuff, including self-powering electric generators and electric water pumps and such. I do this through the tears and relentless burning of the deep and endless need for someone to love on and cherish. I can find none worthy, and the ones that might be worthy are too scared to reach out.

Typically in the Message box but you could start a thread about it too. Widowbagos don't happen often enough.

Back when I was nearly working myself to death we talked about it, agreed that if one of us died that the other should go find another spouse and be happy, then that was it. I found out after she died that she had taken out life insurance on me in the event I did actually work myself to death. She did not have plans to move on though. Neither did I. I wanted a lifetime and all I got was 7 years, which ended 7 years ago. I cannot honor her wishes if I cannot find someone that will genuinely commit.

Same here. It's why I am dying every day to suppress the monogamous hypersexuality my DW left me with. I have a desperate need for affection outside of sex too and to express that affection for someone else who will gladly receive it. I cannot find anyone who wants that near my age who isn't married or divorced. I have probably been looking in the wrong places. Bear raised an eyebrow on a topic I am expert at. From time to time I've instructed lesbians on cunnilingus. They have always reported a substantial improvement. I took notes before marriage so I would be good at what I did when I lost my virginity. The study paid off. If you need some how-to, hit me up and I'll share

Same here. 7 years for me. Women keep telling me that "they are no good for me" and such. What? I just need someone to love on! They just won't stick around though.

A: Get technology out of the way ASAP. 1-3 days at most, 30 minutes at least. B: Any time after that first 30 minutes I seldom find anyone that fits into that window. It's either "Let's meet right now!" or it's "I want to chat for 6 months and ask you for money through Western Union every day or two"

I used to like food and I loved cooking those big dishes for my beloved and sitting down to dinner at the table. Now I just eat whatever. Peanut butter toast sounds good, I haven't had it in over 7 years. I suppose I'll have to get a toaster... I used to make big batches of spaghetti and meat balls, lasagna, chili, mexican buffet style and similar cooking adventures. Now my son cooks most of his own food (he's 12 and his creativity is gradually increasing) and I just grab whatever. During the first year of being widowed, my fridge was in varying states of "too much leftovers" and "not enough food." It was tough to adjust since after my beloved passed my brother stopped crashing at my place on the regular and moved out of state for college. I had to learn to "cook for one." That was difficult as I have been cooking for a family since I was 6 and had to use a chair to reach the stove top. It took a paradigm shift to come out of the "let's make a big batch of <whatever>!" behavior.

I got to page 5 and couldn't take it anymore. Yikes! Wow! I'd like to gather up all those nasty people and put them on an island together with SAM sites all around ready to shoot down any outbound air traffic and depth charge mines ready to take out anyone trying to leave. They can enjoy the island together. I bet it would have to be pretty big. I'd give them a bunch of seeds of all varieties and some manuals on how to farm so they could eat well and be healthy while they were being cruel heartless wretches. Things I have been told: "You should move on. I know a couple college girls interested in a threesome who need an extra man around..." - Former co-worker "I think the best medicine for your emotions right now is to go back to work." - office lady at the apartment complex "Why would you complain that this is the last load of her clothing that you will wash and fold? That's just insane!" - Former neighbor at the old apartments "The only important person in your life is your son. You can go to hell for all I care." - dad's second wife (both divorced) "I don't understand what your problem is. Why do you even still care about that woman? She's dead!" - grandma on my dad's side "I know a couple girls that could give you some head and you'll feel fine in a minute. You'll forget that old broad just as quick as you can spit!" - uncle "Why do you even need a wife anyway? Just hang at my place, get high and we'll get you laid." - former coworker's drug dealer "Grief is quick and painless. You're just being a big wuss about it." - drug addict at a grocery store I kind of ... stopped talking to people about it. Then when I felt ok to talk about it again because I had largely conquered the pain, I got these gems: "She's hideous. I can't believe you'd even want that." - gal I nearly dated "So what did you need her for? You can find all that at the dollar store. Just pick up a chick there and you'll be fine." - some idiot (I forget where I was) "I think you belong on 'people of wal-mart'" - ex's daughter (during that first 2 years when I couldn't even any of it and didn't brain at all because of the dumb caused by grief) "Yeah my dad was widowed. He dealt with it by killing himself. Best choice he ever made." - jackass at the gas station "Maybe if you play the lottery you'll win that too." - woman at a grocery store "I can't possibly fathom why such an intelligent person would be so obsessed with prattling on about some relationship he had with a woman who was kind to his genitals." - a college professor I talked to only once "I care more about dogs than people and right now you're on my nerves." - a woman at petsmart whom overheard my conversation with a friend about being widowed "I go for married men, not for widows." - a woman I hit on. She was scowling as she said this. "I think the best thing you can do is take out some life insurance and make it look like an accident. Since you have a kid too you can get a double whammy. It just has to look like an accident. Your life is already over, you just haven't joined your wife yet." - car sales manager advising me on getting my family's debt settled instead of working to pay it off "Your grandma stole your car, you lost your job because you couldn't remember anything, the apartment management wanted you to die too so they could rent to someone else, your kid would have died without you there... why does any of this matter? Why should anyone care? You're just another hopeless bum living on the lam with your SSI and your sob story." It's really sad that being widowed is a "don't ask, don't tell" matter for most folks. Lovely people, no? Kind of makes me want to bathe the world in nuclear fire. That would be nice. I'm not angry or anything, I just want them to end like that time when you can't wait until that movie your parents are watching is over so you can play video games on the TV. The deep burning rage has finally turned to cinders and ash, though there are still a few embers of raw fury left in the pile.

I started playing an MMORPG and watching movies and listening to music without words. Wordy music messes with an already broken heart so a strict "no words" policy worked great. I enjoy Ori Uplift's Uplifting Only though sometimes I venture out to listen to A State of Trance these days. Nobody to talk to... yup. It's a lonely road. Nobody gets it. They all run away when you start opening up about it. They can't handle you at full blast so give them little drops. You are not alone in the world, you are just alone in your former world. That death killed the old you too. You aren't that person anymore. This is the new normal. You will be doing your own therapy in most cases, even if you hire a therapist. In most cases, all they know is from books so they are clueless. This is why you will be doing it mostly by yourself, at your own speed. Do not stay indoors. Get out in nature as much as possible. Indoors is a death trap (emotionally, mentally). Just find something to keep your hands busy while your heart and mind work out the kinks. If you have kiddos, be a blessing to them (without being a door mat; they need to learn life skills). This is your road to walk. Only those that have walked through their own private, personal hell of grief will truly understand what you are going through.

The loneliness goes away for some who find friends to be a good enough substitute. For others it never goes away. We still have that need in our life. See if friends and companionship will do it for you and don't forget to take care of yourself. I would have starved to death during the first months and been completely unaware it was happening if I didn't have a 5 year old boy asking for food regularly.

What do you say... "He died suddenly. I have no idea how, he just died." Then to make it plausible, do your best to forget how he died. It should be crazy hard at first but the pain will fade and so will the memory. They have absolutely no business knowing your business. Do you go around showing your lady parts to everyone who speaks to you? Heck no! Why would you go around telling them how your husband died if it's private!? Use that kind of attitude and folks will stop prying for your deeply personal information. It's your secret to keep, they do not need to know. Now that the constructive bit is out of the way: I know that feel. Your life was wrecked by stupidness. It just happened, like a car hydroplaning into a light pole during a very light rain. It was just stupidness. I feel for you and wish I could provide hugs, good company, laughter and home cooked meals that your kiddos helped with (because they ought to learn sometime, no?). It's just that general sense of wanting to be a blessing that carries us all through this horrific mess.

I sleep on the couch. I can't do beds. Too empty. She's not there and her head isn't on my shoulder. I can't hold a conversation with her until we pass out. I can't randomly molest her in the middle of the night (or vice versa). I can't do beds anymore, not even small ones. It just has to not be a bed. I don't sleep well. It's been 7 years. Things are not changing. I want them to but the world is being stubborn.

You did the best you could at the time with what you had to work with. Life happens, so does death. Just mentally file it in the category where that broken vase or that clogged drain (because you couldn't find all the chunks of food in the water before you drained it) live. It's something beyond your immediate power to change. Back then, it was too. You did the best you could with what you had to work with. It's not your fault and nobody will ever say that it is. Those that try to blame you aren't human at that moment and need to go away.

Awesome list. Thanks for sharing. Grief is your own, private walk through a personal hell that nobody should ever go through. There's nothing else like it on Earth and most people are clueless until they too have walked that road and lived through that relentless gauntlet of suffering. It changes you profoundly. I wish I could just give everyone hugs and a shoulder to cry on. I think they all need it.