Another Year Older

[Euf]

My husband has been dead for almost 11 years.  Since he has died I’ve made a new friend or two.  I still hang out with my old friends.  Some new grandkids have been born.  Our dog died and I got another one.  Our cat died and someday I’ll get another.

 

I’ve painted every room in our house.  I’ve ripped up carpets and uncovered wood floors.  I have a garden and grow asparagus, strawberries, blueberries, tomatoes, peppers and a lot of different herbs.

 

Jim’s dad died and his mom is getting Alzheimer’s.  My dad died and my mom has Alzheimer’s.

 

Time passes and the ordinary joys and sorrows of life happen.

 

Jim and I would have been married 34 years this summer.  I remember we used to say we hoped we were still around to celebrate our 50’Th anniversary but we never even made it to 25.

 

I’ve been without him 11 years this summer, almost half as long as we were married.  It is all just so disorienting.  Time makes no sense to me.  It seems as if he was just here.

 

Writing is how I have always worked my way through life. This is what I wrote on my birthday this year.

 

I will soon be 67.  My dead husband is still 48.  He will always be 48 and I will just keep getting older.

I look at his picture and see a young man.  I look in the mirror and see an old woman.

This was a part of grief that I didn’t understand at first. Not only are they dead, but they stay dead.  Not only do they stay dead, but you have to keep getting older without them.  Not only do you keep getting older but you have to suck it up and pretend that your life is something you are still living.

Mostly I am not such a pathetic, useless, sorrowful piece of human flotsam, drifting through the currents of my life.

But my dead husband is 48 and I am almost 67.

 

Yes, I agree that I sounded pretty depressed. Perhaps overly dramatic but the key phrase is Mostly I am not such a pathetic, useless, sorrowful piece of human flotsam, drifting through the currents of my life.

 

I turned 67 and a few days passed and I’m fine.  (Is that right??? Am I really 67?  How did THAT happen?)  I will probably be fine until August when he will have been dead 11 years. So I will write something and I will feel broken and destroyed until a few days pass and I will be OK

That has sort of been the pattern for me as a widow.  Good days , bad days.  In the beginning so many more bad than good.  Now so many more good than bad.

 

I expect that no matter how long I live, I will have days that it still seems nearly unbearable that Jim is no longer in my life.  That probably makes more sense to me than anything else.  I will keep living and changing and growing and making a life for myself.  But every now and then I get to feel sorry for myself. Every now and then I get to stop making an effort.  I get to be that pathetic, useless, sorrowful piece of human flotsam, drifting through the currents of my life.

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Hugs to you and thank you for your post!

[Mrs Reader]

Euf, I figured you don't have a new man in your life?

I read this with great interest, as here at 11 months I am starting to think that I had the perfect love once, and that was that. There is no point accepting even slightly lesser guy in my life.

My husband will be 49 forever.

So I am preparing myself for a life that might be a lot like what you have. And in spite of the sad days, it doesn't sound too bad after all.

[Euf]

 

Euf, I figured you don't have a new man in your life?

 

No I don’t.  I never had any interest in dating after Jim died.  I tried to stay open to the possibility that someday I might meet someone that I was interested in, but it seemed unlikely.  I think Jim was that once in a lifetime kind of guy.

 

I’m also the type of person that doesn’t mind being alone and I can easily entertain myself. I wasn’t even looking for any type of long term relationship before I met Jim. I had been married before and it wasn’t a good marriage (a bit of an understatement) so had no interest in trying again.  Meeting Jim changed my mind.

 

So I am preparing myself for a life that might be a lot like what you have. And in spite of the sad days, it doesn't sound too bad after all.

 

It’s not the life I would have chosen, just the one I ended up with but it is actually a good life.  It took me a long time to be able to honestly say that but it's true. 

 

 

[jgib]

My husband will forever be 46.  Just over 3 years now.

Thank you very much for your post.  I am struggling with the whole aging thing a bit.  I would like to do it gracefully!

I have not dated either, not sure I will.  We were such a good fit, not sure if my quirkiness will find another fit.  I am starting to be comfortable in the life I have now.  On the bad days I miss him terribly, on the good days I remember him fondly.

[Lmsmdm]

So get this post. In December, I officially became older than Big Guy. It hit me like a ton of bricks. He too will be forever 48.

[BrokenHeart2]

On Tuesday it will be 4 yr sadiversary.  I have not dated, don't even know if I will or want to.  I am now 3 yrs older than DH was and it is so weird to me, he will always be 53.  That first one freaked me out. Like I've said before this widowhood is a head trip that only we get it.  To others I have found they say big deal that's why I rarely talk about my grief or thoughts of all of this except y'all.  You get me

[Jennica]

I read your post at the perfect time. It helps not to feel all alone. It will be 9 months tomorrow. Next month my husband would have turned 44. Our anniversary is also in June and it would be 15 years. I too think I will be alone. I met my husband at 15.  We were together for 25 years. I can't believe I'm here without him. We were to grow old together.

I hope to have more good days than bad... I pray to have more good days and to enjoy life versus just getting through the day or week.

 

[ladybug]

Thank you for posting.  I understand every word you said.

 

This will be my 9TH summer with out my husband.  It doesn't seem possible that so much time has passed.  I still get days that I miss him so very much.

 

I don't tell any one in the real world, but I still cry sometimes when I am alone, because I miss him so much.

 

Thank you everyone for sharing.