A Feeling

[Needytoo]

I wasn't going to post this but again I find myself at a point in my life where I need to discuss my problems with people who might know how I feel.

It has been two years since my husband?s passing.  First year was horrible, second year was still horrible but I started to learn what I need to keep my sanity.  I need to keep busy. I need to plan out things in advanced, maybe because I just need to look forward to things.  By doing this I keep away that feeling.  I can?t even put into words what that feeling is.  Maybe it is a combination of many feelings all at once.  I really hate that feeling.  Not sure if it is still widow fog stopping me being able to recognize the feeling I am trying to describe so I thought I would share some examples of situations that trigger the feeling.  I really want the feeling to go away. 

I have been doing some volunteer work with my widow support group first by calling senior widows to make sure they are ok.  I have ten people I call once a week. Only five of them answer their phone.  I can visualize the other five just sitting there and ignoring the phone.  I find it odd that I understand that, just ignore it and it will go all away.  Last week I went with another member for a home visit to a new widow?s home.  The new widow was upset because she felt her family wasn't giving her enough support.  The other member told her my story about how I had no support at all.  The look of the new widow?s face was of total pity towards me.  That triggered the mystery feeling as well as feeling of embarrassment.

I take art lessons by myself and I love it.  I love it so much if I could I would go do that every night.

  I try to plan out social events with friends but for some reason there has been a lot more last minute cancellations lately.  Especially with one friend, she is also a widow.  She is coming up to the year mark and I know how hard that can be but then it leaves me with that feeling. 

Can anyone relate to my feeling and if so, what is it?

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[Wheelerswife]

It's the "Is this really my life" feeling.  Its the "I'm alone and I hate being alone" feeling.  Its the "Is there really any purpose in my life?" feeling.  It's the "What am I doing that seems to push people away?" feeling.  Its the "I don't want to be sad for the rest of my life" feeling. 

 

Maybe that is some of it?

 

Maureen

[Trying]

For me it's going through the motions, doing what I'm supposed to be doing yet feeling completely disconnected.  If the slightest thing deviates from my plan I no longer know how to adapt or react because I have learned that the worst case scenario really does happen sometimes.  It's the feeling of panic threatening to bubble up to the surface if I don't find a distraction quickly enough. 

[Guest TooSoon]

Not sure if my feeling and your feeling are the same feeling but I've been living a very tightly controlled existence and have been actively trying to break that down for some time.  And I am so over it.  Not one to make big changes, opening myself up to the idea of change and The Future but more importantly opening myself up to being more present in the world and in the moment has been hard and topsy turvy.  I try to take in stride the ups and downs of again being open to living but there are definitely moments when I feel either a sort of panic (about what I never seem to know) or find myself saying, "Just go away already!" to the feeling of confusion that is certainly still a part of my grief.  I am not sure this is helpful but from just about the same time frame as you are I get the weird moments of which you speak.  I have them too and just try to breathe deeply and let them pass.  Hugs.

[Needytoo]

All of you managed to describe exactly how I am feeling.  I have done what "experts" say, I have punched through the grief and gone and discovered new things and found some things I really like.  But sometimes I too still feel so disconnected and if my plans fall through my brain goes off to a distant place. 

 

Just like you TooSoon I am trying to loosen up on the tightly controlled existence but I don't think it is working well for me.  I need to plan things out before hand.  But then there are times I have no clue how to act.  I feel like the huge nerd with giant cooties.  More and more people are asking me if I am dating. How do you answer that question?  No I am not dating or do say no I am not dating but do you know of anyone?.  No clue how to answer that question.  Then that wonderful feeling of being judged jumps right back in the brain. 

 

Seriously when does it end?