Fears About Moving Forward

[arneal]

Hi, all!

 

I am not sure if there is a post like this anywhere; if there is, please let me know and I'll try to delete this one

 

So I know we've got an area for extreme caregiving, but this didn't seem appropriate for that. Here goes ...

 

I dare say there are quite a few of us here who were caregivers for our spouses/partners/signif's before they died or at least were here to watch them go through some things. Now, for those on this thread, we are moving forward into new relationships or are at least seeking them. The question is, how do you navigate your own health, that of your parents or other relatives?

 

I live on the other side of the country from most of my family; my mother (been widowed from my dad for almost 23 years but has a companion) is on dialysis, my uncle just older than her (married to a woman who is not consistent about her feelings for him, I think because she is more about herself) has been dealing with prostate issues, my 22-year-old son who lives about 40 miles from me was in hospital for pneumonia and had to be placed in ICU and intubated for a while, and I have my own possible issues (asymmetry on the last mammogram, menopause, possible vision related issues ...). I just passed the first-year mark dating NG and am mortified that I'll be the dangling health participle in this relationship should it continue to grow and advance as I'd like.

 

I think part of my angst is related to the emotional roller-coaster of menopause, but there is a certain reality about changing health. I am 48, NG will be 53 on Monday. Not old by far, but still beginning to feel that half-century. It's a concern, even though I do my workouts, am active (somewhat) with outdoor activities, and have good bloodwork results for the most part.

 

Paranoia? Perhaps How about you?

[trying2breathe]

Good question, and one that I'm struggling a bit with these days.  I moved back to my childhood town, and now live close to my parents as well as my in-laws.  Their health issues take up a good amount of time, with doctor's visits, recent hospitalizations and follow up.  Realistically I think that one of the elders will go first but sadly know that this may just not be the case.  I'm lucky to have a brother that lives here too, and he helps manage some of the care.  With NG in my life, I don't have as much time for family as I once did and I feel guilty about this.

 

 

As for my health, I work out regularly, eat well and am in good shape.  I consider this essential as I went thru a significant health issue a few years ago.  I don't have the experience of being a caregiver, but worry about being a burden to somebody someday.  There are no guarantees in this life, any thing can happen to any of us at any time.  I take it as it comes and manage the best I can.

[arneal]

Thanks, trying2. I do a little something exercise-like each day as well; I think I am in generally good health but as you mentioned, you just never know. NG hasn't had a spouse/partner die so I think about this. I don't want to be a burden. I honestly wouldn't want anyone to have to be a caregiver for me and worry at the same time that no one would want to.

[trying2breathe]

I've thought about being a burden, and about the hardship that this can create.  Should any of us partner and live long enough, it's inevitable that we will all deal with health issues to one degree or another.  The alternative is to go it alone.  Getting old isn't for the faint of heart.

[arneal]

Very true! I've had it with going alone lately. There's no one around me who doesn't have someone ... spouse, kids, something. Right now, life is work for me. That gets old too. Oh, well. I guess we all have those varying seasons of life

[tybec]

I was reluctant to reply here.  But, here goes.  YES!

 

In Dec., I told NG he was getting the best human version of me (humbled by the loss, respect for time, etc.) , but the worst physical version.  I was working out regularly, 10 lbs from my goal weight when DH died in a car accident.  I worked, took care of my son, but getting back to working out never happened.  SO, NG has me, an overweight 48 yr. old.  MY DH would probably say, "WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO YOU?" 

 

So, I am slowly working on this, but had to change my life a lot, and I am not there and now I am 5 1/2 yrs. older!  Significant in your 40s.  And I have had 3 health issues, too. Nothing major but scared me to death.  One was a fall on ice, and now I deal with back issues. 

 

I have a problem now, and will go back in 3 months for a recheck.  Probably nothing, but could be something.  I chickened out this week telling him the details, just that I had to go back as a I got an abnormal result. 

 

So, yes, I worry about this.  In your 20s, it doesn't cross your mind at all. 10 feet tall and bullet proof, ya know.  I even had to NOT read things on this site of long term care giving.  It would distress me. 

 

NG is kind.  His ex was a larger female, and he claims to love "rubenesque" women, thankfully.  He was a  cross fitter/rugby player just 3 years ago, and an 1 1/2 hour commute has taken its toll.  So, we will have get healthy goals when we live in the same city and home, soon.

 

He has never dealt with health issues or caregiver issues.  My LH had treatable cancer, my father died of Alzheimer in my 30s and my mother is 88 and in a skilled care unit now.  So, he is not as exposed, yet, either.  Hope he can handle it.

[arneal]

I hear you, tybec! NGs dad died tragically when he was young and his mom was in her early 70s at most when she died, so he has not had to experience the sick parent thing. My dad died in a car accident when I was in my 20s and my mom is in her mid-70s, dealing with dialysis and so on. Longevity tends to run on both sides from what I can tell, but health? Not so much. I would dare say I am in the best shape I've ever been in; lost 60lb over the past couple of years (I was on that journey before LH died but afterward I realized I'd spent so much time caregiving for others but not caring for myself) but I too am 48 and my body knows it LOL! I can't do yoga because of past injuries I never cared for properly I now have limited mobility in one leg. I've never been flexible or graceful, so classes like Zumba will never see me and my uncoordinated self. NG also likes women with a bit of meat on their bones, but I doubt he would have been as interested when I was at my largest. Heck, I wasn't interested in me then either  Anyway, I pray for good health for the both of us because I don't want to be a caregiver again and don't want someone doing all that for me either. Maybe we could end up being that cranky old couple, living in the retirement place where they take care of us, driving the nurses crazy together LOL.