Reminiscing

[OSAAT]

Hi Everyone! It has been a very long time since I have posted. So much has changed and so much is different. I spent the last hour or more reading different posts on the board. It brought me back to many milestones I have experienced along the way. I remember how difficult J's passing was for me the first 2+ years, I was inconsolable. I felt no relief and was in constant emotional and physical pain for 2 years. J's death hit me hard, it hit me harder than I could have ever imagined. All I wanted was relief. I looked forward to being "beyond active grieving", although my idea of what that is and what it actually is are 2 very different things. I had the strangest and very random dream last night. J came back from the dead ( I know this is very weird, but in all of my dreams, he has come back from the dead and I am aware that he came back from the dead. We actually usually have a conversation about how he came back.) and he and I worked at the same restaurant. In my dream, I was in this terrible slump because he was dead. When I saw him, I asked him where something was in the restaurant and he brought me to it. He was very nonchalant and alive. i said to him " I am so glad you're back. I am feeling so much better". He said " I will only be here for another year and a half because that's how I am". I then felt the relief and joy slipping out of me. I don't know what it meant, but I have been thinking about it all day. His 7 year anniversary is coming up in August. I started thinking back to the beginning when I saw no end in sight. Then I slowly became alive again. It was pretty slow for me. 2 years ago, I met an absolutely wonderful guy. He is incredibly different from J in many ways. I always thought that once i was in a relationship that i would think of J less, but that's not true at all. I think of him so often still. I've struggled with different things the last 2 years, partially because I quit smoking. I made a choice to get out of that slump and start living again. things have not been like they were after J died, but I have struggled. I remember in 2015 (I believe) when I attended my first and only bago in AZ. I met Jess, justin and Laura. That was a pretty cool experience for me. Life is interesting. I have learned and grown so much from all these experiences the last 7 years. I am radically different than I was before J died. I think that's a good thing. I have mellowed out a lot. So I found myself reminiscing tonight and decided to post. Thanks for reading. Please share any changes you have experienced since your loss. I love reading all your posts and comments.

[jeudi]

what a wonderful post. I can relate to everything you said. I've had dreams where my DH was back and in the dreams I've talked with him about this. It is all so matter of fact. Congratulations on quitting smoking...that could not have been easy.

 

xoxo

 

Judy