Solar eclipse and the loss of the person I was...

[Wheelerswife]

So yesterday was the great solar eclipse (for those of us in the continental US).  John would have been like a kid in a candy store.  He loved his astronomy so much that we had built a post in the center of a compass rose in the center of our backyard patio...all so he could bolt his big telescope to the post and get great astral photographs.  Our home was fairly close to the band of the total eclipse.  He may have chosen to drive a couple hours north to view the totality...or perhaps stayed home to be able to get photos from our own back yard.  No matter what, he would have read every little bit he could about the eclipse and the history of eclipses and ancient stories about them and...well, you get it.  He would have taught the community about the eclipse and maybe taken his telescope to the local natural history museum to share it with kids young and old.  I would have been right by his side, captured by his enthusiasm, probably repeating what I had gleaned from him to kids who were all enthralled in watching as well.

 

I miss that enthusiasm!  I miss the energy he brought to all things great and small.  I miss the challenge of being with my charismatic husband.  He made me such a stronger person - someone unafraid to try new adventures and to find fascination in things such as the natural world.

 

I miss my old self.  The eclipse is just one more event that reminds me that life is just so different now.  I'm trying to find new direction, but it isn't happening.  Everything I have worked for in the last few years...it isn't paying off.  At least not yet.  I have to change my way of thinking, I suppose.  I just want to feel confident and as if I am moving toward something that will benefit me physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

 

It all seems so elusive.

 

Enough rambling for now...

 

Maureen

[Trying]

From all of the stories you have shared about John I have no doubt he would have made the eclipse an exciting and education event.  So many reminders big and small that our lives have changed.  You are in such a state of transition right now, all that you have worked toward will begin to pay off soon, keep the faith, and if you can't find it, I will keep the faith for you!

[Adley]

Yes, it seems like it's that way all the time. All the things I should really be enjoying make me think of her because I know she'd be enjoying them, too. I miss her enthusiasm for an event, and as a result my enthusiasm wanes. Sometimes it seems like a perpetual cycle. The only thing that seems to help is taking pleasure in the tiny things. I know I don't joke at work like I used too. That's just the tip of the iceberg of the symptoms. I guess it's the little things that help us through, or at least me. Keep going! Adley

[maddalena]

Hey Maureen,

I am grieving the same thing. New guy is sweet and a keeper, but he doesn't have that energy. So i'm the one that has to be the terrier dog (my way of describing it). It's much harder for me to be the energy for two (How did DH do it?)

I have stepped up a little, for example, i decided we had to go to the totality line for that eclipse. It was great, i'm so glad I did.

hugs to you. I'm sorry you are suffering.