Dating someone who is separated

[Needytoo]

I am really falling for NG, but what people go through in a separation is horrible.

 

For some reason, NG and his ex never got a legal separation. They have been separated for two years and he pays what I think is a pretty high support/child support every month.  He gets to see his kids every two weeks for the weekend.  He is finally going to a lawyer to straighten all of this out and proceed with the divorce.

 

Now for my question.  On the weekend he had the kids and they were acting up (like siblings do). The kids weren't listening to him so he raised his voice and hit the wall with his hand to get their attention.  Not sure about you but I have done this, I think many parents have.  His oldest son who has autism is having a hard time at school.  My sons at 13 years old also had a hard time, I think it was puberty kicking in.  His son got in trouble and he said to the teacher that it was because he Dad was upset at him.  The school called the EX which texted him, that she is denying any contact with the kids unless he is supervised.  He is so upset, the only advice I could give was to call his lawyer.  He has and he is still waiting for her to call him back. 

Does anyone have any experience with this? 

[arneal]

So sorry, Needy. My LH's ex would do things that remind me of that. Yes, directing him to his attorney is all you can do, other than being supportive for him and the children (yours and his). Reminding him to share with the attorney the bit about his son's special needs as well as the whole puberty bit. My son who is on the spectrum is 22 and I still have to remember how he is affected by chemical/physical changes.

[Trying]

My current DH is going through some ugly custody stuff with his ex right now and it totally sucks!  The court seems to be the only solution but it is a costly and long process.

 

I am a strong believer in more time than every other weekend for any willing and able parent.  It's difficult to set routines and form a solid relationship with such limited time.  I am no expert but I would imagine this infrequent time together would be more disruptive to a child on the spectrum than a 50-50 shared custody.

[arneal]

Hey there, Trying. I would say it depends on how 50/50 influences schooling (transport, activities, districting and so on) and extracurriculars. My LH only lived 12 miles from his ex so was able to have his daughter quite a bit. She often took the public bus from her school to come and spend the night with him and he would get her back on public transit to get back in time for school in the morning. This was before he had a car of course; where we lived, everything was within walking distance and a car was often more of a hassle than a convenience. As she got older, she was not able to come to his house as much because of cheerleading an other things she was involved in. She also went to a magnet school so she had special bussing from home to this other district. It got complicated.

[Needytoo]

Even though I would love to have more alone time with NG I agree he needs to see his kids more.  My kids are older and really don't want to spend any time with NG and I, hey I get it.  I encourage that they find their own way (and secretly hoping they move out of my house but that is another matter), but Andy's kids do want to spend time with us and I really enjoying younger kids. NG said because of this he knows his EX is extremely jealous.  She can move in with a guy six weeks into the separation but she wants him to suffer for life. 

 

NG's Mom has told me how his ex is, she has been one evil bitch for a long time and I don't anticipate she is going to be changing anytime soon.  So what is best for the kids, that is the question?  The oldest has autism the younger one also has development issues.  He has tried calling and texting his sons and so far no reply. I am guessing she has blocked his number.  I hope his lawyer contacts him today.

 

Thanks, everyone, this is all new territory for me.

[arneal]

Amazing the double standard, isn't it? LH's ex got pregnant by another man while they were separated early on but when he and I started seeing each other, she tried all sorts of things to get between us. Nightmare.

[Captains wife]

Been down this path so I can empathize. It's worse with bad divorces, unreasonable exes and small children. It's great you recognize that he needs more time with his kids- my NG didn't get much time at beginning and it weighed on him. Now he's 50/50 and I can see he's happier, even though we are both a little sad we can't see each other as much. I am keeping as far away from NGs ex as I can - she's very nosy and needs to try and control every situation. It's best (and much better for the kids) if the parents can amicably coparent but unf (as I'm realizing) this is the exception rather than the norm. I dated a guy last summer who did coparent well and it made my relationship with him much easier! (Too bad he turned out to be a jerk though : )

[arneal]

Aw rats, Captains -- good coparenter but jerk NG? Who'da thunk  :-[ Oh, the books we could all write together ...