A weird anniversary today

[Wheelerswife]

Facebook has a way of reminding me of dates and experiences...some of them good, some of them not-so-good.

 

4 years ago today and just under 6 weeks after my second husband died unexpectedly, I had surgery to address the cause of rapidly progressing numbness and paresthesias - abnormal sensations, typically tingling or pricking (“pins and needles”), caused chiefly by pressure on or damage to peripheral nerves - in my legs.  The suspected problem was growing fibroids.  They were present, but in addition, I had a quickly growing malignant tumor called leiomyosarcoma.  It a is rare and aggressive cancer.  I didn't find out until 2 weeks after surgery that I had this cancer, as the pathologists asked for multiple opinions including sending things off to Johns Hopkins before they confirmed the diagnosis.

 

So...now I am reliving the angst of that day and the weeks that followed.  My first reaction to the diagnosis was that I hoped it would just take me out of my misery.  It didn't.  I declined chemotherapy, as the cancer was still Stage 1 and known to be chemo-resistant.  Now, four years later, I am one of a rare minority of people with this cancer who have not had a recurrence (although I remain at risk for life and will remain on surveillance).

 

I wish I didn't still have visceral reactions to memories like this one.  I no longer wish for something to take me out of my misery.  I might not yet have reached a point where I am truly happy, but I am also not miserable (most of the time).

 

I have learned through others like us that the pain will not always be intense like it was in the early days and weeks and months.  I know from prior experience that it is possible to be truly happy again.  I'm working toward that now - another interview today - some hope on the horizon that life will find a new normal that feels good again. 

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Maureen

[trying2breathe]

I get it, I too have an anniversary surgery date that happens to coincide with my birthday.  Every birthday, I remember my life saving surgery  :  and with it comes a twinge of sadness and guilt that this helped contribute to my DH's demise.  It's angst, good and bad - combination of celebrating life while remembering the difficulty of living.

 

Continued good health to you, Maureen and hope that your new normal that feels good appears very soon.