Never the plan (Christian content)

[Helen]

At almost 3 years out now I feel pretty apologetic for posting because I only seem to these days on the very low days. For much of the last year I have tried hard to not allow this widow crap to define me, but the harder I fight it the larger it seems to get and it is frustrating me so much. I need my widow friends so much.

 

As a Christian I am often told by others that God will not give me more to cope with than I can manage, but I think many of us know this is not true. There have been so many days in the last 7 years when I have had more than I can manage, but since becoming a widow this is more apparent as I shoulder so much alone. God has been so distant since Graham died, I try to seek him because I know 'If I seek him I will find him' but it feels like trying to catch soap.

 

Last Autumn I felt that God spoke to me for the 1st time in ages and said that from now on I would have more 'green lights' and as a sign that evening as I drove around the city I would only come to green lights, which happened and was ridiculous. This gave me much needed hope that things were going to begin to change, but since then life has just been one major struggle after another, surgery and 3 months of no driving and being stuck at home, the surgery has left me with some long term stuff that is going to impact life lots. No luck finding a new job yet, last one I was 2nd out of 120 applicants. Some of the kids have been horrible to me and one has accused me of things that are the opposite of the truth which has hurt me deeply and there is no one to mediate here with no Graham.

 

This is a bit of a side issue really but I told my lodger (she is 25, and I consider her a good friend) on Wednesday how low I was feeling and tried to explain that this was not about anything she had done (I knew she felt she had upset me). I said I had got the closest to suicide last weekend that I had even been, but would not follow through and was really pleased when she and child #5 got home. She lost it, screamed, 'how dare you tell me this', and shouted, bawled and wailed, slammed doors and scared me to the extent that I had to leave the house. When I returned I ignored her, I really don't do drama and have always ignored bad behaviour as much as possible, she packed and left about 11pm and has not been back since.  A side issue, like I said, but just one more thing to deal with. She wants to come back and talk this over but I am concerned that making drama so she can have time with me where I appease her is her goal here, its a little bit of a pattern.

 

There is no where else in life that I feel as lonely as I do in church, a church that my husband and I started with others 15 years ago. Most people ignore me and so often I stand alone, I have tried so damn hard to remain in this church that I love, but now I wonder if it is time to move on. I am the only widow in church and as we all know, no one else really understands and goodness I should be over this by now. I feel like a 'non-person' with no value.

 

A lovely Christian friend whom I really trust told me recently that I need to accept that in this next phase of my life that God will be my 'husband'. He is however distant and silent, appears to ignore my prayers and if He was real it would be time for a divorce. I so want to be married again, this is hard to accept. I pray about all of these things all the time, it feels like a very long time since any of my prayers were answered and it is making be embittered in a way that I dislike.

 

There are so many more things than this to deal with, but I am bored even typing all this crap. Please if you have read this tirade do not consider responding with any of these:

 

'It will all work out in the end Helen, don't forget Job'.

'Everything has purpose and is all about working out a greater plan'.

'When God is distant just push through harder' (I am trying)

 

I heard all this before and it really is not helping. I was happily married with 5 kids, I had purpose and a plan. This is not how this was supposed to work out, it's a shit story and I know we could between us fill a room with shit stories. Something has to change and I am trying to change thing, trying to get my 'green lights' but nothing.

 

It is good to be able to record this somewhere I know others understand, thanks for allowing that. Widow Island suggestions are welcome.

 

 

 

 

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Hugs Chemie. Nothing to add, I don't want to adult today either. Just hugs.

[Captains wife]

Chemie,

 

I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I can tell from your prior posts how hard you have been working to get your life back on track. With 5 children, health issues etc. you have a lot on your plate and I feel disappointed for you that you aren't being fully included in your church. I don't think we as widows/widowers are imagining it - people treat us differently post widow as they don't want to deal with death or our grief. I think many of us on the board have experienced this and its so isolating.

 

I have never been that religious so cant fully identify with the religious aspect of your post. But what I will say is that certain people in my community have encouraged me to turn to the church for comfort and, honestly, I cant. I don't believe in a greater plan, that I am being challenged by God etc. I just feel like I (like so many others) have been unlucky and committing myself to a greater power isn't going to help me. I can understand how others find comfort in their religious beliefs but I just don't. If anything, when my husband suddenly died and I was left in a community where I didn't know anyone alone with a 9 month old - I felt I was being punished (for what I didnt know), not "challenged".

 

I am almost 3 years out too and for some reason have also recently struggled with my grief and just handling everything life is throwing at me. I have been working hard to be happy but its hard to get there on certain days. In terms of your reference to suicide, I think many of us have fleeting moments of feeling like this as sometimes it seems too much to cope with, alone. (But we wouldn't act on it).

 

I just wanted to send support and express that I understand how you are feeling. I don't know if you want advice here but the way I am dealing with it is that I am just trying to push forward day by day. I asked my grief therapist the other day - "I am doing all the right things, why don't I feel better ? I just want to feel better". And she told me it was just about coping with the grief and working through it. 

 

So my coping involves dealing with all the things that I need to do as an adult one thing at a time, trying not to worry about things I have no control over, keeping busy with things I like to do (spending time with my son, exercise, filling up my social calendar), pouring out my emotions on here and with my grief therapist, excluding people in my life who are toxic but making new friendships or renewing friendships with people I want in my life, keeping close to my family and my inlaws. But I also take "time out" when I feel like it - i.e. taking time off work and just having a down day (when my son is with my nanny). There is no instant fix and I hope you can find your green lights again.

 

Wishing you all the best and sending hugs from the U.S.

[Justin]

Helen,

 

I wish I could add something to help, other than to say I have some of the same feelings you do. I still believe in God as the Creator of the universe, but somehow now view Him as being "hands-off". I'm not really sure that He intervenes in the daily lives of us on a regular basis. I hope that I am wrong, but that I how I reconcile the fact that He allowed my wife to die.

 

I haven't been attending church on a regular basis since that day, last July. At first, it was emotionally sapping to be there and not have Marsha by my side. Now, I just can't "feel" it - the communion with God. I know the problem must be with me but I am not sure how to fix it. I think a temporary change to another church may allow me to put aside some of my own associations between my church and my wife, and help me to focus on worship. I recently spoke with another wid who recently left his church because he couldn't think of anyone or anything other than his wife while there.

 

These days, I am just taking a little bit of a break from God. But I miss Him, too - the God I thought I once knew.

[ATJ]

For much of the last year I have tried hard to not allow this widow crap to define me, but the harder I fight it the larger it seems to get and it is frustrating me so much.

 

(((Helen)))

 

I have heard widows often express that they don't want widowhood to define them. I can understand that to some degree because we are more than JUST widowed. BUT, we are also the sum total of our previous life experiences, both good and bad. The aggregate of that which we have lived through from our earliest moments has shaped us, like the sculptor who forms and chisels away. Some life experiences have a greater impact than others, and we can't easily erase them. We only can TRY to reshape the piece that Life, the master sculptor, has produced, but it often takes enormous effort, frustration and patience, and yes, tears!

 

 

 

 

"Man cannot remake himself without suffering,

for he is both the marble and the sculptor."

 

~~ Alexis Carrel

 

As a Christian I am often told by others that God will not give me more to cope with than I can manage, but I think many of us know this is not true.

 

That statement makes me want to throw a pie into someone's face!! - Even Mother Theresa said:

 

"I know that God doesn't give me more than I can handle,

but I wish he wouldn't trust me so much!"

 

Whether or not we believe in a higher power who determines our path or destiny, such flippant statements by others are highly objectionable to me, even if one substitutes the word 'Life' for 'God'. - I totally agree that these platitudes can hurt more than help and actually infuriate,  and they make us feel even more isolated. One has to walk in someone else's shoes first!

 

Something has to change and I am trying to change thing, trying to get my 'green lights' but nothing.

 

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful.

But Not Knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering!"

 

― Paulo Coelho

 

I just posted about the challenges and frustrations of my "Rebuilding Process" and am STILL seeking answers. So, I won't give you any advice and don't have any wisdom to offer. I only wish that:

 

"All shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well!"

~~ T.S. Eliot

 

 

 

 

May you find Strength, Courage and Peace, and may Light shine upon your path!

 

ATJ

 

[RobFTC]

Hi Helen,

 

Many hugs.  I know what that hurt is like.  No platitudes, but I hope things ease off for you.  You have survived 100% of your days so far, so I would just hope that can continue.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Grammy]

Hi Helen,  ((((((Hugs)))))))

 

I wish I could help, but I don't have the answers.  Just ((((Hugs)))) and understanding.

 

 

[Guest Munsen]

First off, I want to give you a BIG HUG. This does sound like a lot of things to be burdened with. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. 

 

In my response, I want  to say that the platitude that God won't give us more than we can handle is NOT biblical. In fact, Paul talks about being so overwhelmed by his life situations that he thought he was going to die! "We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself." (2 Corinthians 1:8 ) I find that people who have suffered a great deal are not the ones to express such comments to those of us who are hurting but those who haven't experienced a great deal, often think these things are helpful. They are not.

 

As for your church, I'm saddened for you but totally understand the feeling. I have experienced that whole 'if we don't take notice of her, perhaps she'll go away'. It is sad and inappropriate but it is a sign of the times, I think. So many people are too wrapped up in their own lives to exert much effort to others that need a helping hand. Plus, there is a subtle distancing from people in our situations. I've found that the people who are the most afraid of death are the first to jump ship in our lives. That's been my experience anyway.

 

There is a reason why 50% of widow(er)s find a new church in the aftermath of losing their spouse. I can only imagine how hard it would be to leave a church you and your hubby started but you need to be with people who, even if they don't understand, are willing to walk with you. I have gone elsewhere because I got tired of feeling like I had this sign on me that made my old church-mates treat me like some sort of freak. In the new one, people don't know my back-story so they treat me normally. Which I love.

 

As for your friend telling you that Jesus will be your husband, that is also a platitude that is ridiculous. The bible does use a husband and bride analogy to paint a word picture of Christ and His church, however, that is an analogy not a literal substitute!  Jesus cannot hug us or hold us or kiss us good morning. I just read an apologetics article de-bunking that attitude. If I can find it again, I will send it to you.

 

In a nutshell, when God had just created Adam and he was in the Garden of Eden (which was perfect), God said, "It is not good for man to be alone." God Himself, acknowledged that humans need other humans. Even in the Garden of Eden, where Adam could talk directly to God! I call comments like that 'pseudo Christianity'. It sounds good but it really has an un-biblical thought at its core.  (Namely that we should be okay with being alone if we are Christians. I have seen that with being told I 'you should be happy, hubby is in heaven' like I was wrong to miss having here with me).

 

The Bible says that if we seek Him, He will give us the desires of our heart. I hope that you will find Him bringing someone appropriate into your life when His timing is right. Unfortunately, my experience is that our timing is on a much faster time loop than God seems to operate in! As frustrating as waiting can be, patience is a virtue when it comes to God's timing.

 

You mentioned just having surgery and I remember when I had my surgery for my broken leg and was unable to drive or do much of anything for 6 months, it took me a long time for that 'funk' to wear off. I learned then that the trauma from injury and anesthetic take longer to wear off than we think!

 

Feelings are often trouble. As hard as it is, read and memorize your bible. Highlight go-to passages for those dark moments. Tape them up on your fridge or bedroom mirror to see first thing. It is hard to push our negative emotions away but bible verses do help. Many is the time I cried out to God that I couldn't survive another minute. But then I did. And He would give me some burst of hope to dissipate some of the gloom. At the time, I didn't see any improvement but later, looking back, I could see how far I'd come. As a Christian, I do believe that some of the negative thoughts we think, are put into our heads by our enemy. Paul tells us to resist the devil and he will flee from us. How did Jesus deal with Satan in the desert? With bible verses.

 

Sending you hugs and encouragement from the other side of the ocean. If you wish, pm your number and I could call you. <3

 

PS. I loved the picture! 

 

[Helen]

 

Thanks all for your thoughtful responses.

 

As an update - I asked the lodger to move out, sad but necessary. Sorted one of the kid's issues but #4 is being awful. I am a bit of a mess at the moment, so much stuff, and swimming upstream is taking it's toll. I am so tired of being sad.

 

Tomorrow I will try church for the 1st time in weeks, it's going to be tough and to make it tougher I hear the sermon is about moving the church forward and where we came from and Graham's picture will be used a few times since we moved here to start the church.

 

*sigh*

 

One day soon I want to be posting about my chapter 2 and new exciting things. I so want my green lights.

 

 

[hikermom]

Helen,

 

I'm so sorry this is a time of struggle for you. Being on a similar timeframe, I've followed so much of your journey and it pains me that you are facing these challenges with your health, faith, children and lodger. It sounds as though you have made some critical decisions. I hope church proved helpful this week.

 

As CaptainsWife said, I'm not religious. Don't attend church and don't feel a connection to any organized God (or disorganized one, either!). I find peace in the outdoors, in music, in my dogs. Yet there are certainly times that peace is elusive. It never fails to surprise me that after a period of seeming growth and calm, I can be tossed back into the turmoil left after my husband's death. I also try to not let widowhood define me but instead try to define widowhood. Some days I'm more successful than others. Just yesterday I was all kinds of crazy - completely irritable, cranky with my daughter, angry and frustrated, and talking bitterly to my husband as I was working in my yard with the never-ending raking and clean up from our awful winter. Widowhood definitely defined me yesterday but at the same time, in the midst of my crazy rantings, I caught a glimpse of myself and who I am trying to be. I'm damn strong and capable and amazing. Can't for the life of my figure out why some guy hasn't snatched me up yet!    Widowhood has played a powerful hand in making me who I am today - the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. It has forged me into a stronger and, usually, more resilient person. Yet there are certainly times that resiliency is tested.

 

Although we haven't yet met IRL, I know that you, too, are strong and capable and amazing. You've had a rough winter but hopefully will emerge again this spring. I think we all deserve those green lights - certainly you do!

[Guest fleur]

I really want to make a well composed and thought out reply, and yet, I don't find myself able.  My tough dates were this week.

 

- Good on you for taking control of your home. 

- For the most part, a kid being a hurtful brat will pass.  I am happy to read that a far more life changing situation appears to be on the mend.

 

Not entirely pertinent, I so remember blaring this song and will likely do so on future occasion - maybe even tonight.

 

 

[PhotoJunkie]

Helen all I can do is hug you from here and hope you feel it.  you and I have talked before about being on similar timelines and similar feelings so Im right there with you.  But I am hugging you!!!!!!!  (wishing I had better advice to give)

 

 

[Guest look2thesky]

A Tout, that is the most accurate analogy I've ever read.

I often cringe when someone says don't be defined.

I say She is what made me a man.

And I will honor Her memory, until I am unable to dream, or remember, any longer.