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Today makes 12 years since B died from suicide. It's my middle son's 15th Birthday. It's the usual...party this weekend for him..Out Of Darkness Walk in the morning...Endless sports activities so I am too tired to think much about it. Volleyball last night away..tonight traveling to golf match. It still hits me, cried last night for the first time in a year over it.


NG and middle son and oldest son's girlfriend traveling with me to golf match for oldest son. He has some sadness now over his Dad's death the older he is. It's a lifetime ago, but having kids so young when their Dad died..it's something that always creeps up. Doesn't debilitate us or anything..My kids are well adjusted/well rounded great kids. But that hidden void is always there.


Today I have an extra level of exhaustion with work and juggling everything..The hidden "void" is just creeped around my neck. My middle son still doesn't know he Dad killed himself on his birthday. He thinks its the 27th, the day I found his body.


I will take that to my grave. And the exhaustion that will always come with "that day". 



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Hugs, SB. I totally get this. As my kids get older, DH's absence is acute at certain times, and always present.


I was at a friend's 50th birthday party the other day. Photos of his father who died when he was 6 were up. The void was there.


Wishing you peace,



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  • 3 weeks later...

Thank you all. For some reason, this year is more evident with my sons. They were babies..only 3 and 4 years old when DH passed.


They are now 15 and 16..both over 6'4..They resemble their Dad in so many ways. They have almost become men. It's been just me. All the experiences, memories, pictures over the past 12 years its been just Mom and kids. It's become the norm for them. But some years, during a certain time of year..It all flashes back. It especially does for my oldest, who has a few faint memories.


It's hard to explain. It will always be there and I have learned to accept it. I hate though when my children hurt. It's usually my oldest too. It might be because he has a few memories, it might be his personality. It might be because this little boy pretty much became a man overnight after his Dad's suicide ( not pressure from me, or anyone..but he changed..we all saw it)


My kids are my inspiration, yet I can't help but worry. For the first time in YEARS, I felt angry at DH for dying. Seeing my son cry privately really tore me up this year.


Things are much better now. It's October..September passed again and it's back to normal. 


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On 9/24/2019 at 2:32 PM, Sugarbell said:

The hidden "void" is just creeped around my neck.



yes ^^^   That void, I get it.  It's always there, but especially for those particular dates.  My daughter's 21st birthday was yesterday,  she didn't mention it but I know that she thinks of him especially during those milestones.  Hugs, sugarbell.  Glad that October brings back some normalcy for you.    

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