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France's past relationships


PaulZ
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I had a bit of a tough night last night with my fiancé. We've been dating almost 2 years and she proposed to me a few weeks ago.  It has been a wonderful relationship and she is fantastic with my daughter.  I have been widowed about 4.5 years and am almost 47 years old.  I had to ask her a while ago not to talk to me so much about her past sexual history, as she would sometimes go into detail as to how far things went in the bedroom with past boyfriends.  She was never married, and her only longterm relationship was a common law one with a guy for two separate time frames of 2 years each.  

When she would talk about being with several other guys over the years (not a scary number, probably pretty normal number for someone her age who was never in long-term relationships), I would find myself visualizing her with other guys and feel upset about this.  I asked her not to talk about this with me anymore. I was married since I was 27 and was faithfully with my wife for almost twenty years.  I know she has been with more partners than I have, and understand our histories and situations were different.

We left supper last night and were going to go to a trivia night at a local pub, when she says " Just so you know in advance, I slept with the guy who does the trivia night a couple of times."  I got that same feeling of being upset and picturing her with someone else.  I got very quiet and we didn't go to trivia.  We had a shitty night after that, with her accusing me of making her feel guilty for being with other guys when she was single even though she has to look at pictures in my house that are still up of my wife and I.  I tried to explain it is my issue and I don't want to feel this way and I understand she did nothing wrong or immoral. I told her that I totally trust her (we still live apart), which I do, and while I appreciate her being upfront with me about the trivia dude, I'd really rather not know anymore about other people she's been with, as it has no impact on our relationship and is in the past. I also let her know I'm fine with talking about past relationship issues with her ex-common law partner.  Any suggestions on better ways to deal with this for me?  Thanks, Paul

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This was hard for me with my former boyfriend. We talked marriage but then didn't get there.  He married at 30.  He was an officer in the military, played rugby and was stationed in Europe. He had an active singles life. I married the guy I started dating at age 14 and 28 years we had together. He would make comments sometimes about a former girlfriend or something, and if I asked a question, he would ask me if I really wanted to know. I found I did not.  It bothered me.  I wondered if he could ever really commit to one woman long term. His marriage was 10 years, which is short in my book. I have 3 cousins that married their high school sweethearts. My parents were married 56 years. My brother just celebrated his 43rd wedding anniversary and he has his PhD in marriage and family therapy.  We marry and stick it out.  So, my ex and I were from completely different backgrounds. His parents were divorced and he has half brothers from his dad's 2 other marriages.

I had to work on letting that go if I was to be with him and accept I was not the norm.  I had to accept that if I date and marry again, the likelihood is my experience is way different than others. 

I also had to deal with the pictures in my home of my late husband. I took them down. But we had a big fight when I found out accidently he was still communicating with an ex gf, and it went all over me that my son's father's pictures were bothersome to him, but he could still talk to his ex.  He did not understand my feelings, and he could not understand mine. He never had a long term relationship.  I was his longest besides his marriage. And I could not understand an attachment to a woman he dated less than 2 years.  

So, don't ask, don't tell worked for me.  I just don't want to know. And so he abided by that. 

I trusted him until he was found communicating with his ex. But that was because he said he wasn't .  

If you want it to work, you have to let go of worrying about their past.  Easier said than done.  I am sure there are folks here that can give better insight.  I wish you and your fiance the best. 

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Thanks for sharing your experience Tybec.  My fiancé agreed to not tell me anymore about past relationships, and I am happy to forget about it, as I do trust her.  We are going to work together on taking down most of my wife's pictures, but not all. I want to make my home hers as well.

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When I met my husband way back when I was 22 , i had already had some experiences...he had not. He did not appreciate any knowledge of my past  encounters and became very upset when it would come up . It was  like he was jealous and felt betrayed even though it was before his time. i tried to defend it as it wasn't anything extreme, i was pretty normal but it was just how he felt.  I also feel he totally trusted me, it was just this misaligned jealousy that would flare .Anyway we learned to avoid it and everything went smoothly from then on.  Hopefully you guys will reach a balance as well

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Thanks klim, I know we can, and am glad to know it is not just me who has encountered this situation.  I know it isn't fair to her, but can't really control my reaction, even though I am the furthest thing from a controlling person and totally trust her.

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