Feeling overwhelmed, and maybe acting out of guilt and fear

[Guest sphoc]

So, the last few weeks have been insane and now that I have a few minutes to think, I realize just how overwhelmed I am.

 

 

• In March, I started the crazy process of buying a house. I am also working full-time and going to school part-time.
  
• On 4/9, my 64 y/o uncle died suddenly, leaving behind his 81 y/o wife. Because my uncle and I were the only two oddballs in the family to move to the South, I have the unenviable task of helping out his wife because the rest of the family is all in New England. I arrived in Alabama on the 11th and determined that my uncle was apparently in denial about my aunt's health because she is suffering from some moderate form of dementia. I am now scrambling to arrange care for her because she has no benefits, no SS, and can't live by herself. Oh, and while she does have children, they're all overseas and since she effectively abandoned them as children, they have decided there isn't anything they can do and left the decisions regarding her care up to me. I end up spending most of the week in Alabama and not at home packing.
  
• In the midst of all this, I completely forgot my birthday. On the day of, I got two phone calls very early in the morning from my brother and stepmother. The first thought that springs to mind? "Who died now?" I called my brother back and he informed me that I should listen to my messages and not assume the worst. However, given the way things go in my life, I can't help but assume the worst, especially as it pertains to April.
  
• 4/18 was two years since DH completed suicide. It was also the day I started moving into the new house, which meant multiple trips past the spot where he died. Somehow, I managed to get through the day with minimal crying, but probably because there was simply too much to do and no time to do it. Also, I realize how horribly unprepared I am for the move and just manage to get the furniture and larger items out of the house because I haven't properly packed.
  
• Today, I finally close on the house. I am hopeful that I can get my remaining belongings out of my apartment by Thursday night so that I can turn in my keys, drive back to Alabama, and hope that the landlord can rent out my unit for June so I'm not out another month's rent.
  

I know nothing about being a caregiver for someone, especially not someone suffering from dementia. My brother thinks I'm nuts for helping at all because we didn't know my aunt very well anyway (and she's always been kind of mean - the dementia just seems to make it worse). But given everything that's happened to me, I can't leave her alone to become a ward of the state. My uncle died trying to give her 24/7 care without any outside help. I can't imagine he'd want her dumped someplace. I know that I'm doing the best I can, but I am feeling bad because I have decided to sell her home and move her to a memory care facility near me (she's a five-hour drive from me, and I can't keep doing that in the long-term). She doesn't want to leave her home, but she can't stay by herself and there just isn't enough money to pay for in-home care for any length of time. How ridiculous is it that I feel guilty for doing this, even when I know that I'm doing more than a lot of other people would do?

 

 

And maybe, I think in the back of my head that I'm scared that I will end up the same way, and I'd hope that someone would care enough about me to help me out if I ever got that bad. So I'm trying to earn karma points for future use. I'm either going to be a candidate for sainthood, or else I must have been some truly atrocious person in a past life that I'm now having to atone for.

 

 

Ugh. Anyway. Vent over.

[WifeLess]

sphoc,

 

You may indeed be overwhelmed by all that is going on. If so, it is certainly understandable. But your actions with regard to your aunt do not appear to be out of guilt and fear. I think instead they are the result of care and compassion. You are to be commended for becoming involved as you have.

 

A belated Happy Birthday.

 

--- WifeLess

[linda5]

Sphoc,

 

You are an amazing woman!  Your kindness and compassion is remarkable.  Even though you Aunt doesn't want to move, I feel you are doing what is best for her.  This earth needs more people like you!

[BrokenHeart2]

Ditto you are a caring amazing niece. I pray my nieces are as kind and generous as you are.  Blessings to you!

[Guest sphoc]

Thank you everyone. There is just so much going on. To top off everything else, I got a call from her credit card company. It seems as though a "helpful neighbor" must have helped themselves to her credit card and gone on a shopping spree two days after my uncle died. I took the cards with me when I went, but whoever it was must have gotten the information before I arrived. It seems like too much of a coincidence for the charges to start so soon after my uncle's passing, and she wouldn't have noticed someone rummaging through her wallet. On the plus side, I found a memory care facility that is really close to me, reasonably priced, decent reviews, and will allow her to keep her cat with her. She loves animals, and they have some community pets, so I think that might help a bit with the transition.

 

 

One of the hardest things is trying is dealing with her dementia and her grief. She understands that my uncle is dead, but she doesn't remember the funeral home coming over or making arrangements, so she keeps asking where his body is. I know she's lonely. How do you help someone with dementia with their grief, and have to tell them that they can't stay in their home? If anyone has gone through anything like this, I'd appreciate advice. I'm great at the administrative stuff but I am at a loss as to how to best help my aunt. I know how I coped with my grief, but our situations are so different.

[widowat33]

No advice, just wanted to say you are amazing for all that you are doing!

My grandma in law had dementia, it was hard to see her like that.

You are doing the right thing, putting her in a facility where she will have the care she needs, my best guess at how to tell her is just as gently as possible. I'm not sure about your aunt but sometimes dementia will change peoples temperament, my husbands grandma became cranky and I'm sure she was frustrated at being aware of not being able to remember things. We just had to remember that she was not well and we had to be patient with her and let her know that we loved her when she would get cranky with us or ask questions over and over again.

Sending you hugs!

[canadiangirl]

That sickens me about the "helpful neighbour".  That is such a ghastly thing to do- I hope s/he is caught.  Definitely a police matter, like you have the time and energy.

 

You have my full admiration.  You are doing what is best for her, never doubt it.  She will have a social life. It is important.  ((sphoc))