Did you want to talk about it?

[Neverthesame]

When my wife died I really didn?t want to talk about it with people in real life. For some reason it felt like something private and personal to me. I guess I knew that there was no way that they could understand how I felt, even if I could figure out how to explain it. When people did try to talk to me about DW, their looks of pity and sadness just made me feel worse so I made it a point to change the subject.

 

I found YWBB a few months after DW died. It was my therapy. I liked it because I was free to read as much as I wanted and post occasionally if I felt like it. I also met a good friend on YWBB whose husband died on the same day as my wife. Our friendship grew to the point that we talked via PM or email almost every day for probably two years. We were both widowed, both parents and both in the same time frame. We talked about everything under the sun in relation to grief and solo parenting.

 

Now, my reason for asking. My sister?s adult daughter died a couple of months ago and she does want to talk about it. She wants to talk about how she misses her and all the other things that go along with grief. I guess I feel bad for not being more supportive, but it?s just hard for me to understand because it?s not the way I dealt with my grief. I know, I sound like a jerk, but there is more to the story than I want or need to provide here.

 

I?m just wondering how many of you wanted and needed to talk to face to face about your grief. I?m also wondering how you handle things now when friends or family have a loss. Are you more supportive after what you?ve been through?

 

[keeptrying]

After my husband died about 5 months ago I wanted someone to talk to. When I did try a little I realized that no one could possibly understand and that people really didn't care or want to hear it or made matters much harder for me. They were more interested in money and insurance policies. Talking didn't make it feel better. It made me feel weak, people judging me and giving people something to use against me. I sucked it up and realized that no one really cares.

My uncles wife died. I felt awful for him, only because I knew what it felt like. I know what he is going through in a way. I called him every day and talked about subjects he was interested in. Not so much the loss of our spouses, although that did come up briefly every now and then.

The issue I have is that when people now tell me their issues, or people that they know died or are sick, I just have a huge lack of empathy. I lost a lot of empathy towards people. Their problems seem trivial. I realized how many relationships I lost through this because of the stupid hurtful things people would say to me.  I just began not to care.. I guess I became one of them, I fake it. - Oh I am SO sorry to hear you are sick, is there anything I can do to help -  Which EVERYONE that is a widow I would assume means, I will throw that line out because I don't want to help and I know you won't ask. I guess it is a matter of who really DESERVES sympathy and empathy. I get everyone has their problems and the range of everyone's problems are different. But when you ask if I am married and then I say I am a widow and you hear a long story about a cat or an uncle and I am supposed to feel bad for you and give you a hug and a pat on the back. NO. - I have a hard time caring or supporting people anymore. I try to play the game, but realistically I have gotten to the point where I don't want to be around people. I have nothing to say to them. Nothing that they want to hear. I used to be full of sunshine and energy. Now I just fake it, and it takes A LOT of work to deal with others and their trivial issues. Unfortunately I feel this way.. but, I still do it.. I still take time to pretend and jump on the pity party train of others to make them feel better. It stinks.

 

[Mizpah]

It was the only thing I wanted to talk about and there was no one I wanted to talk about it with.  Not in real life.  Widows on YWBB, yes.  At length.  There was a big block for me in talking to others about it, and I'm not sure, looking back, what it was.  There were only a couple people I could talk to in real life only - one had been my closest friend from babyhood, and the other had been going through fertility issues before DH died and I'd been her confidante.  But mostly, it was YWBB.  Hours of reading and writing, and I became extremely close friends with some people on my timeline, who I am still in daily contact with four years out. 

 

As for empathy and compassion.  I find I am judgmental.  How bad is that?  It feels terrible to admit - terrible that it's true.  When people come here and post constantly, I think it's awesome.  When someone newly widowed gets on FB and posts constantly, I think it's awful.  Why is this?  There's this widow (not from here/YWBB) who always posts on FB and tries to share her life lessons from it - appreciate what you have, etc., etc.  People can't learn other people's lessons, they learn their own.  It annoys me.  I lost more and more compassion for her with each preachy post.  If she finds comfort that way, I should think, "Go for it."  But I feel like there's no point in speaking to the general public about it.  They don't get it, even the most compassionate empathetic (empathic? having a mind blank) people.  They know our words and they know it's horrible, but they don't feel the depth and enormity of the devastation, they can't.  We feel it in our guts and our souls.  Maybe this is why we bristle at the pitying looks - they are looking in from the outside, while we are looking *across* at each other, next to each other, in the same place, even when we're further out. 

[Neverthesame]

Thank you both for your reply. At least I don't feel totally heartless now. I really do feel for people who have to go through what I went through (what we all went through). But at the same time my own experience tells me that there is nothing I can do or say that will make it better or easier for them. I did look for, and found, a couple of message boards similar to this one that deals with the loss of a child. One even had a forum dedicated to parents who have lost adult children. I gave those to her in hopes that it might give her some comfort.

 

Thanks again for the replies.

 

Bill

 

Edit to add:

 

Not to derail my original post, but I just noticed something. The day before yesterday, in the relationship/remarriage section, I posted about how I resented the fact that people avoided me after I was widowed. Here I posted that I really didn?t want to talk to people after I was widowed. That really seems like a contradiction. I guess what I really wanted was just to be normal again?..which we all know doesn?t happen for a very long time.

 

Widowhood is so confusing.

 

[Needytoo]

After my husband's passing I unfortunately didn't have any support from family/friends. I tried therapist and the first one I saw actually caused more bad than good.  It took me over a year to find two local support groups and they helped as well as YWBB.  I do believe that it does help to talk about grieving but it only helps if the other person will listen and give support.  I now volunteer and call elderly widows and also support a good friend and a my brother in law who spouses died.  Sometimes it isn't easy to hear their pain but I am not giving up. We also just talk about good memories and other things going on in our lives.  I feel it is the correct thing to do. 

Neverthesame I do understand about not wanted to share our pain with other people.  I still tend not to want to share it as well.  Still very protective of my heart. 

[keeptrying]

I resented the fact that people avoided me after I was widowed. Here I posted that I really didn?t want to talk to people after I was widowed. That really seems like a contradiction. I guess what I really wanted was just to be normal again?..which we all know doesn?t happen for a very long time.

 

I completely understand how you feel about you didn't want to talk to people, but resented that people avoided you. I didn't really want to talk to someone at first, but it seemed like I needed to talk to people I was close to. I felt pressure to explain. Something I regret so much that I ever even talked to anyone. I realized that no one could understand or they just sat like a deer in head lights. Then I realized people don't really care. They like the details, gossip, but that is all they were out for. People started to drop like flies. I thought about therapy, then realized, I am going to pay someone that could care less just to hear me talk. It won't change the situation, they don't care and what kind of advice can they give that I can't find out on my own. Or just dope me up on medication and not fix the problem or deal with it. I became resentful toward people. I started to think about the people I knew and thought, when this happens to you, or something happens to you, how am I going to react? Am I going to be able to 'fake" it enough? Am I really going to feel sad for you? Am I going to think, wow, now YOU Know what it is like, I will try to say some cheap words so I can get outta there. It is this need for someone to care and understand and share and hold me and tell me everything is going to be better, (Like the comfort my husband always gave me) but also the - don't open yourself up for more pain.It makes me feel weak, reminds me how I am wasting my time. I realized I just need to deal with it the best I can. Maybe emotionally you want it, but logically you know you shouldn't.