Daddy Is In X-Box !

[Captains wife]

My son was 9 months old when my husband died suddenly and he is almost 4 years old now. He is a happy, well adjusted child and I feel blessed he is healthy and has my late husband's bubbly personality.

 

So far, the issue of his Daddy not being around hasnt been too bad. He knows who is Daddy is from pics and video, he isnt grieving much yet and it doesnt seem he is fully aware how his home life differs from other young kids in his pre-school.

 

Lately, though, the issue of where is Daddy has come up more - and that my son wants to see him. My husband loved video games so we still have his X-Box set up in the TV room, and use it as a DVD player. I explained to my son that this was Daddy's X Box.  The thing is the X-Box automatically logs in as my husband when we turn it on and he had created a cartoon-like character on there that looks like him and waves at you when you log in (I am not an X Box expert so not sure how this is done or what it is called). So now my son seems to think this is Daddy - and says whenever we log in "Oh there's Daddy! Hi Daddy...Please dont go...."

 

Sweet but utterly depressing at the same time. I have asked this question before but based on experience at what age do small children really understand that Daddy is completely gone and never coming back ? I want to explain to him what happened but he seems so young to even absorb this. The only thing is that he know his Daddy is in heaven with the angels watching over him (my nanny told him this and honestly I dont know what else to say...plus it sounds soothing even though I am not religious). I plan to get him some therapy to help him process his grief as he gets older but I imagine that is a few years away.

 

Any insight, potential reading material would be helpful ! Maybe he is grieving more than I understand....I just dont know how a child this age processes all of this.

[SoVerySad]

I don't have experience with grief in kids this little as mine are teens. I think you will know when he is grieving. What you describe with the x-box doesn't really sound like grieving to me. I think it is him connecting to his father in the ways he has available to him. Maybe you can say something like, "yes, Daddy drew that picture of himself, isn't it nice we have it" or something along those lines if you feel you want to reinforce that your husband isn't actually in the x-box. Or perhaps use the opportunity to talk about how his Daddy enjoyed playing the x-box, etc. to help him know the things his Daddy enjoyed doing.

 

You are such a good mom, CW. Trust your instincts. You know your son well. I'm sorry you both are in this position and the pain it brings you. I really do think you will be able to recognize true grieving and have every confidence you'll support him well. I think looking at some resources for signs you might expect to see if he's grieving might help you feel more prepared should they arise.

 

Sending you hugs...

[robunknown]

Sweet but heartbreaking, I know that feeling well.

 

The information I read says that children 4 and under don't really understand death, and it being permanent. My son was almost 6, when DW passed. He understood death, but had a hard time with it being permanent. He kept trying to figure out how to bring her back (recruiting help days before wake to help him wake her up, birthday wishes, wishing on a star, wishbone wishes, and magic potions).

 

He sees a child?s grief counselor every week now for an hour. It is play therapy, where they just play with toys. That is how kids work things out. Afterwards the therapist tells me the ideas he interjects into the play scenarios. He is doing better and realizes this is permanent.

 

[Captains wife]

Thank you....I don't know why recently but he continues to say he misses his Daddy, where is he ?...I want to see Daddy. So sad.....poor little fella. Thank goodness 4 year olds are easily distracted.