10 months

[widowat33]

So today marked ten months. I guess it's progress that I no longer know how many weeks, or dread Thursdays, but the tenth of every month will be the one day that I will remember for the rest of my life. It's strange because I am impatient to be further out, like it's some race to get to the finish line, except there is no finish line in this journey. I also miss those earlier days when the shock still numbed the pain.

I feel no better and I feel no worse. I'm just here. Stuck in this place, where from moment to moment my mood changes, from laughter and smiles to sadness and tears.

It's the knowing that my life will never be normal again, I will never wake up in his arms, I will not get to watch him play with the boys and teach them how to do things. The void is felt everyday. It's a huge one. Yet there are still rays of sunshine that shine through those dark clouds...the fact that despite all that happened I was loved by him and loved him so much, my boys who remind me every day that life is not over and we just have to keep fighting, get back up when we fall down.

Conflicting emotions..sadness and happiness..how is it possible to feel both at the same time? I think that is what is getting to me, at least when it was mostly sadness I knew what to expect, now it fluctuates so frequently I never know how I'm going to feel from moment to moment.

Even as I write this my mood is ever changing...

I'm just not used to feeling so conflicted. Another thing to adapt to and accept I suppose...

[lcoxwell]

I am another person, who thought that I would always, ALWAYS remember the 10th as THE DAY I lost my Kenneth. For thirteen months, that was true. For thirteen months, I counted down his final week, thinking about those last few days, and mourning his loss all over again.

 

Then, something changed. This month marked the fourteenth month, since he died. For the very first time, I did not spend each and every day, counting down and obsessing over his final week. Yesterday came and went, and I don't remember consciously thinking about it at all. In fact, it wasn't until I read your post, that I realized yesterday came and went, without me really noticing and without my life coming to a halt.

 

Honestly, I think that leaves me with some conflicting emotions of my own. A part of me is glad, that I am reaching a point, where his death is not so prevalent in my thoughts. Another part of me is sad, that I am moving forward and leaving him behind.

[Justin]

I marked my ten months on the 8th. Like you, I no longer count the weeks or get upset because it's Tuesday. DD and I both know that the 8th of each month means one more month further away from her, but my thinking has actually shifted the last two or three monthly anniversaries of her death - I can also acknowledge: "Hey! We made it another month! It may have sucked, but we did it." It's starting to become a way that I mark that I chart our perseverance.

 

I can also again see that there is a lot of goodness and light still in the world, and am learning to laugh and love again.

[widowat33]

 

Honestly, I think that leaves me with some conflicting emotions of my own. A part of me is glad, that I am reaching a point, where his death is not so prevalent in my thoughts. Another part of me is sad, that I am moving forward and leaving him behind.

 

Exactly! I feel guilty almost..like shouldn't I be sadder? I know that seems strange, I will always love him and miss him, but through this I have found many things to be grateful for and I don't worry about the little things any more. I am definitely a different person than I was ten months ago, not better, not worse, just different!

 

"Hey! We made it another month! It may have sucked, but we did it." It's starting to become a way that I mark that I chart our perseverance.

 

I can also again see that there is a lot of goodness and light still in the world, and am learning to laugh and love again.

 

Yes, it almost seems like an accomplishment, and honestly it is. At the beginning I wasn't sure I would make it one more day without him, but here I am.

[Amor]

yes we can be happy and sad at the same time.  This is hard to imagine but it happens often.  I miss my Love but I have found some happiness as well.  I really have a hard time with the uncontrollable roller coaster of emotions from moment to moment.  Having to hang on for dear life even to get through then be happy then sad, angry, ect, ect all in the same moment is way more then overwhelming.  I guess I am learning to roll with it instead of against it.