He wants to quit everything

[Strongerthanb4]

DS lost his dad 6 months ago and had a severe injury 2 months ago. First it was his sport, now scouts. Do I let him take time off and hope he wants to come back, or do I force him to do what he doesn't want to do? He is 12. I feel like I should let him walk away but so many people are telling me that I shouldn't. Any of you have kids that went through something similar?

[Sugarbell]

I have a 12 yr old now (but it's been over 7 years)....

 

I don't let my kids quit anything-unless (and it's only happened once with one kid)..I feel like there safety/mental well being (meaning dealing with an abusive coach in my case) is at stake.

 

It's easy for me to say "No..don't let him quit" But I have never dealt with raw grief with a 12 year old boy (he was 4..)

 

But I just think it's important to keep routine and life as normal/predictable as we can for them. If it was me...no I wouldn't let him quit. But I am not in your shoes and I don't know the issues he's dealing with.

 

My daughter goes back and force wanting to quit dance (like lives it one day then hates it)...She knows the rule-finish out the year and she doesn't have to come back next year if she doesn't want to. They sign up for something-they need to finish it through.

 

((((hugs to you and your son))))) Only you know what's best for him

[Lisa]

Im no expert but i would allow him a break. Kids have so much on them. And my experience is they act on their grief later than us. Add serious injury? I say a break is reasonable.

[Max2507]

I know for myself there were a lot of things I quit doing because it used to be something my husband and I did. I couldn't even watch the same tv shows. My son was 15 when DH died and it was towards the end of the school year so that worked out good, a lot of things were naturally ending and then he had new things to get into at the start of the school year. Still earlier this year (at about 22 months) we had to do some things in a town about an hour away and I suggested we go to a big car show that happened to be the same weekend there. Once we did our other errands and were headed to the show I think he nearly had a panic attack and said he didn't feel like going, lets just go home, purposefully drove past the entrance. I was kind of shocked and just suggested a different lunch place and changed gears. Once we changed plans he was back to normal. I didn't push it and we talked about it on another day. I think letting him decide would be good. It is empowering to make decisions, so much has happened that is out of his control. See what he would like to explore, maybe there is something new he would like to try. I got my son into guitar and that worked great. Maybe scouts and his old sport are too much of a reminder of his old life and he needs to find something new.

[widowat33]

My boys lost their dad last summer, they were 9 and 11. We didn't do much all summer, but it was kind of nice to have no schedule and just let this new life sink in. So far they are still involved in all the activities that they used be involved in.

It could be that he associates his extracurriculars with his dad and finds it too painful to continue doing them.

Maybe he will find other things he can do that he will enjoy.

You mention that you feel like you should let him walk away, but others tell you not to. He is your son, you know him best. If you think it's for the best than to hell with what other people think!

In other circumstances I would say once you start something you have to finish it, but these aren't normal circumstances...

 

[Guest TooSoon]

During the winter I have my daughter in swim lessons and then in the summer she's on this ludicrously hilarious "Bad News Bears" swim team.  She loves swimming but this winter she couldn't stand the instructor.  Even my Mom (queen of the never quit anything philosophy) said the instructor was really harsh and mean to the kids.  So, instead of quitting we struck a bargain that if she finished out the lessons in that session, she could take a break until swim team kicks in this summer.  That way she wasn't quitting entirely but also knew she had an out if she just soldiered through those last few lessons. 

 

Maybe you could make a deal with him? 

[Trying]

A lot of really good responses to a

Very difficult situation. Is it possible to talk to coach or scout leader about allowing him to take a little step back for a few months without quitting to give him some time?  It's still so early and he may need some time to figure out what he really wants. 12 is a hard age, they don't want to stand out or feel different than their peers but avoiding situations is not a long term solution.

 

I hope you and your son can come to some compromise that doesn't leave him isolated and without the benefits of activities but also gives him the breathing room heat need.

[Mr C]

12 is a tough age even before you throw grief on top of it. At the age of 12, my son had a difficult year of soccer. The new team started shortly after his mother's open heart surgery, an event that left him very traumatized. He was on an all city team, but some of his friends moved up to the higher team and others dropped down to play on a localized team. He didn't connect with the other kids on his team. Also, the travel schedule was quite a burden on all of us. He just didn't have fun that year and wanted to quit. We were too far along by that point in time and near the end of the cycle. I do regret not trying to move him down when life got hard for us and also failing to make the move when the opportunity presented itself again later in the year.

 

Fortunately, he has stuck with soccer and is enjoying it again. He has played the last three years with the neighborhood team where he gets to play with his friends. It has been a good outlet for him this past year and his game has improved. He turns 16 tomorrow and has actually handled the grief better than his older sister (19) and myself.

 

From my experience, widows get way too much parenting advise from family and friends. They seem to forget that we have been parenting for a long time now. Being vulnerable as we are, the comments of others leave us even second-guessing ourselves. Do what you feel is best for your son.