Getting in touch with the old me

[gracelet]

There's a Kelly Clarkson song, 'Since U Been Gone', which says 'I can breathe for the first time'. I constantly have it going through my head. The thing is, despite the fact I miss Elle to pieces, in some ways, I feel liberated. Does that sound warped? I was so under her thumb and until the end, I was more than happy to be. Now, I realise I'm a party animal, a flirt, a diva, the attention seeker that my wife always was. People who know me now but never knew my wife find it hard to believe that I was ever the submissive.

 

I feel guilty in a way for finding my mojo. Does that make any sense? Obviously I wish she wasn't dead, but t has unleashed a life in me that's actually pretty damn fun. Granted some of it is reckless.

 

One thing I've started again that I never did when I was in a relationship is sing. I did a big gig last week and my new crew of friends who have become friends were there, including he widow besties. I really felt ALIVE! For those of you who haven't seen on faceyb, I'm going to gloat just a tad and post the link to our recording of Eye of the Bootylicious Tiger. I'm the one with the bob singing Eye of the Tiger. I had so much FUN. I just wish I had Elle in the crowd cheering me on and kissing me with pride. Dammit. Why did she go and fucking die??

 

[Virgo]

Looks like you had a great time. Both of you sounded great and were very entertaining. Good for you! Elle would be happy that you're finding yourself again.

[MissingSquish]

Rock on grace!  You rule . I know it's so hard to be reborn as a new person, but you're doing it.

[Guest TooSoon]

Just poking around and saw this.  It resonates.  A few months ago I was stricken briefly with guilt when I realized that I'm more comfortable in my own skin, more true to myself, less insecure or likely to sweat the small stuff and living much more in alignment with my core values and priorities than I ever was before.  I am more introspective, less critical of myself and others, and I got off the treadmill of needing to "have it all" (whatever that really means).

 

But then I was comforted in the notion that if that is the gift given, the reward as it were, for the trauma of caregiving, putting my own needs and well-being on hold for several years, for essentially "losing" three years at the peak of my professional productivity, for walking the man I loved and built a family with to his death on his terms without ever questioning, then I need to embrace and enjoy that.    I also realized the degree to which I grew and grew up throughout this ordeal. 

 

We have earned it and yes, it is liberating!  And that's ok.  xoxox