The anti-supporters

[Needytoo]

Just like many of us I sure had my share of the anti-supporters and boy the anger and hatred I had was through the roof.  I did get to a point where I just moved beyond it but still some anger towards two people.  One being my SIL and one being my father.  I think I have developed my "new" relationship with my father (which isn't much) and I am ok with it.  Now for my SIL.

 

My SIL is the only local relative I have, she was the first one I called when my husband died.  She did help during the funeral and kind of took over everything.  There are a few things she did during the funeral that really caused me some anger issues but guess it is water under the bridge now.  I do remember during one of my very low moments pleading for help and I got nothing. 

 

Anyway to make an long story short my SIL is an odd duck. Actually her whole family is odd.  For example when we go over the whole family disappears and leaves my kids and I sitting in a living room alone.She will go months and we don't hear a word from her.  She says things and does that pity look at you when she talks. The kids and I honestly found being around them a little too hard to take.  I think maybe in her weird odd way she did try to support us but she just didn't know how to and I was too blind to see it. 

 

The kids and I got to a point that we just didn't want anything to do with them but now I am wondering if we are doing the correct thing. 

 

[SoVerySad]

I think these types of issues are hard to settle into a perspective on. I believe it is often essential that we let go of anger and hurt towards those whom we expected more support-wise from, mainly because the grief itself is so consuming that adding hurt onto it is too much. I had (and I guess still have) no energy to deal with negative feelings in relation to others, so I've tried to just neutralize those feelings for now. I'm nice to them on the rare occasions I see them, but overall I've put up an internal shield to prevent unnecessary harm.

 

I don't know what my future relationships may end up being with those people. I'm fairly certain they won't ever be the same as they were, which is sad - another loss. I've always been able to easily forgive, but regaining trust in others can be challenging for me personally. I think we just need to see how we feel as time passes.

 

If you feel up to trying to establish a relationship again with your SIL, I don't think there's anything to be lost in trying. If it doesn't work out, you'll know you gave it a shot just to be sure grief alone wasn't driving your decisions/feelings.

 

 

[Captains wife]

Thats a tough one - I understand wanting to keep extended family in your life, your kids life but I truly believe that it depends on what makes you happy. Trying to maintain a relationship with her seems to be the "right" thing to do but if you and your kids are trying and it isnt being reciprocated, isnt giving you guys what you need in terms of support and happiness you may want to eventually walk away from it. I am keeping a good relationship with my MIL and BIL but there is another member of my LH's family that I cannot stand for a few reasons and I have decided I dont want ANY toxic, volatile people in my life now, even if they are family. Same with friends on my LH's side...I have just walked away.

[anniegirl]

LH's family was more work or trouble or toxicity (or combos of all) than was worth my time or energy. I avoided them after the funeral (which was all about them and not me or dd), which was easy because they pretty much moved on with their lives without a thought to us.

 

I quite literally was able to move out of the country without their noticing. In fact, had my husband not prevailed upon me to finally contact one of LH's uncles to let him know we'd left (and I had remarried), they probably still would have no idea that dd and I were gone.

 

The only thing I am sorry about was contacting them to let them know where we were. If I had to do it over, I wouldn't have.

 

I agree that it's nice that you are trying to maintain ties with people who are drags on your life but at some point, you might want to tally up the benefits versus the downside to you and make a decision about whether this is good for you and your kids going forward.

[Needytoo]

You guys are so wonderful.  Thank you for all your responses.  Isn't it wonderful how many of us feel the same way on putting the anger to rest.  Anyway I think I might have jumped a little too ahead of myself.  During my recovery I have found my thinking on so many things have changed and I know sometimes you just have to take your losses and stop wasting time on things.  Mental well being is very important to me and I am so open to trying new things to get it.  My SIL and I work at the same college and I was attending a positive psychology work shop and during my break I went to visit my SIL to talk to her about my BIL coming for a visit.    She has a son with mental health issues and was complaining about it. I have no problem about hearing her problems but  I made the mistake of mentioning she should take  the positive psychology course and she flipped out on me.  Ok, someone who is in denial,not my problem.  Then she proceeded to talk about my BIL.  His wife died 7 months ago.  He is going to be staying at an old girlfriends house on the weekend.  She has so many opinions on this.  She said he still cries over his wife he isn't ready to date.  I didn't dare say too much but I did get out, that you never get over a lost. 

So on the weekend we will get together for some family time but I will be treading lightly around her.

 

Thanks everyone for all your responses.  I think we are all are fantastic.